didn't even try to fight it

I saw my T today. My case worker usually drives me, but she is on vaca this week, so her office mate volunteered to bring me in, which was really nice of her.
So I had to sit on the bench in front of my building waiting for her.... I was so nervous, and anxiety was so high being out there on display.
I started banging my arm on the seat of the bench... each time to the count of eight. I have made quite a mess out of my lower right arm.
oh, well.... tomorrow another day to try to go without doing any si'ing....
had to get this out. thanks for reading

got even worse.... cut 16 times on my leg wtf....
I was so dissociated that nothing felt real... so I got up off this chair, got dressed, grabbed headphones, cigs, camera... headed outside.. dusk was just starting and I played with different settings on my camera taking pics of anything.. flowers the sky.. cars going by... took appox 170 pics...
It brought me back to me ... now all I have to do is take my meds BEFORE I fall asleep.... I am still jamming.. but not in a self harm place

Is it possible you were angry at your case worker and punished yourself instead? I know I used to do that. If someone let me down or did something that made me mad and hurt, I'd take it out on myself.

You don't have to answer that if you don't want to. I know SI can be intensely personal and suggestions can be really annoying.

Sam2