i told him...

Today I told my T about the recent si... and I regret it. I don't know what I was looking for from him with it. I just needed to tell someone in real life. He was a bit frustrated because I put him in the position of getting permission to keep up the si as needed. I back-tracked and told him that was not what I was asking for (but deep down it was what I was looking for, just knew I would never get from him). I told him I just needed to tell someone and be able to talk about it. I told him I was in a better place and likely not going to do it much in the near future (that part I felt was true at the time I said it... I have lost my cover story for the self-injury, so it will be much harder to hide at this point). I'm trying to wean off of it, but it's difficult. I hate feeling so manipulative. I want to be able to talk about the si with him, and the reasons for it, but I don't want to be told to stop. I know it's not fair. So I go back and stop out of guilt...
Earlier today I found out that they will be making my disability determination later this week... I hope (but highly doubt) that the answer will be "yes" so i can get into more helpful treatment... I just have to hold out for that before losing it completely... We talked about that anxiety a bit too, and how I plan for the worst case scenario so that any outcome better than that is seen as a plus. I just need to keep holding it together, because I really am terrified of ending up in the county facility. (and NO, it is NOT better than no hospital, even when safety is concerned...). I see him again Friday, and he assured me he would have space tomorrow if I needed to check in. He really is a good therapist. I'll miss him when he leaves

ok, take 2 on quitting si this week... I thought I was good to go yesterday, but this morning became unbearable and I gave in. But this time will have been the last... at least for now. I told him I would stop, I told him he had little reason to worry. I need to make good on that. We have a safety plan for the suicidal thinking, and I need to start following it rather than just engaging in si... I need to do this. I just have to...

I hope you are successful, don't beat yourself up over setbacks. You are brave to be battling this.