Weird urge.

Brain: As I look at that scissors... I think maybe you should SI.
Me: But I don't have any reason for that.
Brain: We are talking about it, I think it's good enough reason.
Me: Ok.

30 seconds later...

Brain: I think you need to SI.
Me: Why? I just did!
Brain: That was not deep enough, there will be no scar from it. Do it again.
Me: But why do you need a scar, people will notice.
Brain: And isn't it what you want? That people would notice there's something wrong with you?
Me: I don't know, why would I need anyone?
Brain: Enough questions! Do it.
Me: Ok, but it will be the last time.
Brain: We will talk about it later. We'll see, we'll see...

Can anyone relate to this?

I can relate to this. ESP if i've already done it i'm like might as well do it again

I just posted a similar topic in regard to sh'ing when not needed - needless to say I completely agree. I always struggle wondering if I really am doing it for myself or for others to see, but I never let them see. Yep yep, feels like the devil and angel on your shoulder.

Yeah, except I have two devils (where I'm the second one) who start arguing every time I'm trying to focus on other things. My angel has been pushed away by BPD, just like everyone else who saw behind my mental barricade.

i have that conversation in my head too and i guess its like obsessional thoughts linking to poor impulse control but i try hard to fight it i keep thinking of some less damaging si each time i come up with an idea hopefully i can control my urges then...its real hard work emotionally