[IchbinkeinTeufel]

I don't think the following will be triggering, but if you're really sensitive to this stuff, it might be, so read at your own peril.

First off, I've not **t in 4 or so years, and pretty happy for it. I still get urges, from time to time. A couple of nights ago, I was just fiddling with something, and gently brushed my nail clippers up on my right arm; I didn't realise much of what I was doing, as I was watching something, but then I had this moment, ... like back in the day, wherein I found myself missing it, and the adrenalin started going a bit. I felt that same desire, albeit only a bit. I didn't do anything; sod that for a game of darts. I just really don't like these weird urges or whatever they are. Anyone relate? Should I worry? Should I bother telling my psychologist? I didn't actually do anything bad; it wasn't even a scrape, just a gentle brushing of them over the arm, ... some sub-conscious comfort thing, I suppose.

I've had these random urges for ages, and just attribute it to a depressing addiction I once had, of which I will never be 100% rid, but can learn to deal with and accept. I look at my legs sometimes - the scars particularly - and think back to the stuff I did; I sometimes I want to "relapse", but other times I just feel like crap about them; guilty. The same thing happens when I see the scars on my left arm. I tend not to bother looking, and make an effort not to look, because I know they make me feel crappy to look at; this makes me think I'd sooner be in denial and pretend they aren't there.

Hey Zwang,

Well I think you're doing great if you've stopped completely for four years. That deserves a lot of commendation, IMO! I think that's amazing!

I think when we get a glimpse or a reminder of something we used to use as a coping mechanism our brains want to immediately go back to that place. For instance, I do it with alcohol (I'm a recovering alcoholic). Some song, or moment or smell will totally put my head into a place of "i want that again" even though I know: i) I can cope without it and ii) it's bad for me. But you've done this for four years now without it. That's quite the feat.

Also, guilt is a common feeling and can sometimes lead us back into an unhealthy cycle. Do you have a therapist to talk with about what you've been feeling lately? I know I sometimes feel immense guilt because of self-destructive things I've done in the past, but learning to forgive myself along with acceptance, however hard, is a tremendous release and solace. Best wishes.

[IchbinkeinTeufel]

Cheers.

Yeah, my psychologist is providing me with CBT, but it's for my OCD, so that's mostly all we talk about; there are only 1 hour sessions, and a limited number of them, so I need to choose that time wisely.

I used to talk about SH stuff, years back, but I kind-of just stopped, and locked it all away; it was linked to too many dodgy feelings and memories, of which I figured were best not to share or unravel. I'm some kind of stronger, now, so I guess I can talk about it a bit, but I can't say I like it.

[Sterella]

Wow! That is so wonderful you have been able to stay well for four years! You should be very proud to know you've come this far! I know urges can be difficult to deal with, but I think if you focus on the guilt of feeling urges that will only intensify the need. Instead focus on your amazing accomplishment!
And, if the old scars trigger sad feelings for you, I would recommend trying to "erase" them. I have been using mederma advanced scar gel for a couple of months now, and I can really see a difference. They aren't gone, they never will go away, but they are much more faint. This makes me feel less self-conscious about them.

I really hope you stay well, and (for whatever its worth) I am very proud of you, and you give me feelings of hope.

Lots of love!

[IchbinkeinTeufel]

Aww, thanks.

I've thought about trying to get them removed, but it's a double-edged sword - I don't want to get rid of them, because they are like a warning label, reminding me not to go down that road again, but on the other hand, they are sometimes freakin' depressing and not that attractive. ¬_¬ I don't go out with my arms on display, would never dream of wearing shorts, and I've just gotta used to that; it's normal, now.

I wouldn't say I've been "well" for 4 years, 'cause I've certainly not been well, but I've not been suicidal or self-harmed quite in that nature (just a couple of breakdowns involving me losing my temper, and one of which causing me to break my hand, but that's different, ... )

[Sterella]

Honestly, I consider going a week a major accomplishment for myself. Hearing that its even possible for years makes me feel warm inside. Yeah, I figured breakdowns would be normal (goodness knows I've experienced them too), but I think little quips here and there would be worth not constantly harming my body.

As for the scar erasing deal, I do understand what you mean. I have to say, a few scars I haven't even attempted to erase because (this may be weird) I feel attachment to them.

[IchbinkeinTeufel]

I forgot how much it can help, to say about the being free of it. Yeah, just to remind you: it is perfectly feasible to ditch it, it just takes effort, some self-realisations, support, bit of reality wake-ups, time, plus hiccups. I used to be quite into it, and self-harmed for at least 5 years, maybe 7 or so. I like to say: "If I can ditch it, then so can you." but I get that life isn't that black 'n white. Just remember, that it only makes things worse. In retrospect, every time I did it, I ended up making myself worse; it was a bit silly. Then there's the bloody clothes or sheets, hiding them, scars, the wounds, and more. Then there's the health risks. ¬_¬ Not even remotely worth it, but at the time, it seemed like a great idea. Most of the time, when I think about actually now doing it, I cringe. I don't have to think about the pain I'd give, or gave, myself, I just have to remember the pain someone else whom I loved very much, gave me when they did it and more. Do I wanna hurt the people that care about me? Nope. I just wish I had gotten help for it, before I had to figure out how to stop, myself. Nun ja. I guess I have that person to thank, for I doubt I'll ever manage to do that to myself ever again, no matter how much I may want to; hopefully this ends up being the case.

Oh, by the way, Sterella, it's not always how long you go without doing it, it's in-fact more about fighting the urge, habit, or feelings, in general; I realised this after lasting a while, failing, lasting a while, failing, and so on. I began to see that just because I screwed up, it didn't mean I accomplished nothing. I still vaguely remember when I was doing it a lot, then stopped for 90 days or something, and I was so angry because I almost made it to 100, but screwed up again - later on, I managed well over 100 days. Take every day as it comes, and try not to obsess about an end figure - I found it helped me to count the days, although when I got to a year or something, I just stopped and just got on with it. I have pretty nasty OCD, so maybe that helped me obsess over the numbers and beating my personal "record", but couldn't say for sure.