A whole new world...

Just a few hours ago, I left a meeting with my chief mental health practitioner in tears. Actually, I bolted. The man is one of the rare - gah; practically extinct - kind of people I am able to respect.

The session was good and I was able to open up about a number of things I wanted to get off my chest, wanted him to know about. I know I came across as centered, strong, determined, goal-oriented, etc. I usually do in social situations. It was all well. Really, really well. Until he introduced the fact that I am practically being handed over to the woman I am going to see for psychotherapy.

I crashed. Unbelievably quick and hard. No, there is no inappropriate attachment going on, not even the shadow of it. He was just someone I really liked and respected. He is not a "people-pleaser" and as such a real rarity and it made me trust him. The minute he suggested that his team works only for so long with people, I crashed, completely.

I left the venue majorly upset. The place is located in a fairly quite street and I spent a good 15 minutes just sobbing, leaning against a rough stone wall. That's how it happened. I found some loose, sharp bits of stone and I scraped a shard out. I just rolled up my sleeve and practically ravaged my wrist. I found it awfully satisfying. Much better than any blade. I painted the stones of the wall with a bit of blood.

I think I found a whole new world. I know it is sick beyond belief but I loved how the sharp limestone cut into my flesh leaving grains in the wound. I guess, cutting with a sharp stone might actually be safer. I had this awful feeling that it is actually artistic.

OMG... just forgive me, guys. I know I am sick. I know I am sick...

I feel these urges sometimes when I walk my dog. Sharp stones or pieces of glass. But I never did it, because I'm afraid of dirt getting in my wound. I hope you cleaned it properly when you got home.

Thank you.
I am somewhat guessing that I owe those stones their expression.

I so want to die.

I fail at every turn; the man I loved, an intermittent and loose attachment to my sort of T and a man who appears to be respecting me.

I wish to die.

I really do....

Would you call me "silly" after the opening post of this thread?

I am genuinely devastated...

:/

I'm not finding anything you write silly ... more like, extremely difficult to go through

you've talked in other posts about SI being a friend
here it sounds almost like it was a necessity where you had no choice once you crashed like that...

I wondered if you are finding the urges are escalating, and more rapidly, more recently

have you been able to talk to the chief mental health practitioner or your T since then?

Thank you both.

I find that the whole system is faceless.

My therapist said that my reaction was natural and in line with my diagnosis.

SO???

The issue is still the same! That I am practically paralyzed when it comes to even the minimal level of trust and once - following months of hard work - I start to loosen up just a little bit - people move on.

I am entering a weird phase.
Every time when the emotional pain becomes unbearable I think about death as something comforting and something near.

I feel it is impossible to pull my life back.

I have been discarded by the one I loved beyond imagination and it truly feels that I have peaked with him; my life from now own is just a fading echo.

A sudden heart attack is what I pray for.

It is sick how I keep disfiguring myself.

This is a very intense read. I'm not sure how to respond other than to say that I'm here for you.

I used to cut myself and film it, I can relate to finding it artistic.

What is your diagnosis? If you don't mind sharing.

I walk on the borderlands

You're very abstract and it's very worrisome, but also you write beautifully. I really hope you can find your way out of this.

Again, I'm here for you and I'll listen

And also, I hope you don't mind me saying this, that is a freaking hardcore sounding diagnosis!

I don't find any of what you write here silly.

I'm so sick of my own self-pitying... yet I must adhere to what life is telling me about loss...

for it is loss all the way...

I'm so very sorry

You're not silly. everyone has had that moments of discovering how SI liberated them... (in all the wrong ways of course)

but I do hope you cleaned that cut and disinfected it.

I hope you are ok over there Edda