sick of it

I am getting so sick of this now. The constant urge, the need to keep on cutting. And if I haven't cut for a couple of days then I'm just picking at the ones that are trying to heal.

But it is all too much. Overwhelming. My days are getting more and more filled with the thoughts and the urges. And my nights are getting worse.

This blackness seems to consume me and I don't know how to break out of it.

Life has got hard. Too hard.

I keep on drinking. But I know it makes it worse. And I know that, and that is why I drink. To make myself feel worse. I push myself to the limits on purpose. I want to hurt myself so I make myself feel terrible. I want to die so I do my best to destroy myself.

And I don't ****ing care anymore.

Hi secretwhisper, why is life hard for you right now?

The best you can do is distract yourself. Even though it seems counterintuitive, be nice to yourself when you have urges and do things that you like to do. There isn't really much else I can say right now... except for take care and hang in there. Is there anyone you can talk to?

- AJ

Life isn't hard per se. More my perception of it. It hurts just to breathe. It's an effort I wish I didn't have to make.

No one is listening to me. No one is taking me seriously. I keep trying to talk but no one cares.