I really want to break my hand?

On Tuesday this week I have to play piano for the two piano professors at my university and they score me. It's called juries and it's kind of like mid-terms for music performance. I'm so scared and I've had several little panic attacks in the past week whenever I think about being on stage and they're out in the audience with their pencils poised to critique every single note.

For a little background, at the beginning of the semester, I played for them as a try-out for upper division piano. I was sure I was going to make it because I'm the best pianist where I come from but at the university I have more competition. In short, they didn't even let me finish the audition before they told me I wasn't good enough for upper division and that was it. I felt horrible and rejected and I never want to play for them again.
I've been taking lessons with one of them each week and I dread going. She offers very little praise and is extremely strict and judgmental. I used to love to play piano but now every note is agonizing.

Anyway, I've been so upset and scared at the prospect of having to do this and piano doesn't comfort me any more and I feel like a fraud compared to those other pianists from Asian background who are years ahead of me. I've spent today coming up with ways I can break my hand. The best one seems to be to punch a wall. I'm going to do it if I can't get rid of this feeling. Please help.

Please try not to break your hands. If you need to walk away your dreading something that use to be a healthy outlet for you. Do not take that away from yourself.

hope you're safe at the moment

how are you feeling?

I'm not doing much better. I play my jury in 26 hours and 15 minutes. I'm not ready to face this. Being judged, especially by these people, is my deepest fear. I don't know what I'll do, but I've got to do something. I feel sick.

TRIGGERING




Don't do it. It's not worth it. That much I can tell you because I've done it. I was in high school, and I was not doing well. I went from straight A's to all failing grades because of my depression and anxiety. I had this fascination with breaking my hand/wrist/arm. It haunted me in the form of intrusive thoughts for weeks.

I stayed out of school for two weeks. Finally my dad said enough is enough, he was scared I would get a truancy notice. So I got ready for school. And as I was waiting at the car, I decided to avoid the stress and pain of school that breaking my wrist was now a good idea. I slammed the car door as hard as I could and I broke my wrists in three place. Not fractured. Actually /broke/ bone.

I had marrow leaking into other joints. I had to go through physical therapy. I had to spend 5 days a week in therapy. And to this day, my wrist is screwed up. It may have even triggered my Adult Onset Still's Disease (a type of RA).

If you feel like you're going to do this, go to an ER. Get help. It really, really isn't worth it. I did that when I was 17. I am 23 now, and I still regret it to no end.

Well, I made it through okay. I did kind of half-heartedly whack a wall a few times last night and a couple knuckles are badly bruised, but I didn't really have the guts to hit hard enough to break anything. I guess part of me was afraid and another little part knew it was an overall stupid thing to do. I played my jury today and got an A-minus, so that's not too bad. Sigh. I'm just glad it's over.

Everyone who posted, thanks for your help and concern. I really appreciate the support on this site.

TRIGGER!

Trust me, It's not worth it. Recently I fractured my arm just so I can stay out of work longer! Yeah, major anxiety cause this to happen. It was such a mistake because now I am in constant pain and the stuff they have given me for the pain and swelling aren't working. I might have to have surgery!!!!

Please stay safe and don't do it!!! You can do this! You will get through it!

I've BEEN there and DONE that, and my hand has never been the same since, ... certainly no way I can be an accomplished pianist, now, ... luckily, I'm a guitarist, and although I'm a bit restricted, I'm still able. Seriously, though, ... not worth it, ... I regret it a lot.

You're not a fraud, even remotely. Music isn't always about how fancy you can play it.

A minus!!!! That's amazing!!!

I too have had the same thoughts for varying reasons. I'm so pleased you didn't hurt your hand badly. And you got through what you had to do