I've been cutting for about 4 years now but I got some help with a therapist for a while and had calmed down and stopped, got into quite a complicated but happy relationship, told my parents that I'm bi and even though everything is going pretty well. I broke again I cut only about 15 times (which isn't much for me) and ever since I'm been grabbing pencils and drawing pictures on my leg.. Digging the pencil into my skin over and over not piercing the skin but raising and bruising it badly into whatever shape I want. It's just a massive urge and it hurts like hell but I love it. My girlfriend saw me doing it without my even realisation of me doing it and asked me to stop but my body wouldn't let me put that pencil down.. I don't know how to stop these urges of pain

[anna_goth27]

I have come to realize with my own SI that can be an addictive behaviour. At the peak of my SI I wasnt even doing it for the reasons that made me start in the first place. It was this odd enjoyment I would get of seeing the cuts and the "raised skin".

What made me stop for over three years was that I made up in my mind that this was an addiction I didnt need and that I should stop and so I was able to stop cold turkey by sheer willingness. Ive heard thats what happens with people overcoming other addictions to like people on drugs or alcoholics. The therapy and rehab helps, but it wont do anything until you as a person decide enough is enough.

Wish I could say its a lasting thing, but its a work in progress and you just need to remind yourself that you are better than that.

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I had just stopped all together the first time and was convicned I'd stopped for good but too much pressure and I broke. I'm done this time.
Cutting = no more
This "scratching" I still have to work on and honestly worries me that I don't even realise when I do it its just become a habit... a habit I want gone!@

[anna_goth27]

Yeah it is hard. Ive tried to break it for good, but like you say sometimes the pressure is too much :/

I hope you can figure out how to break it for good though. ::

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[eblam81]

JaySmiley, I hear you. I've read your posts. I'm sorry for your pain. I hope you can reach as deep down inside for that strength as you do for the pain! It's there... go for the good, not the bad. It's all a fight.

Originally Posted by anna_goth27

Yeah it is hard. Ive tried to break it for good, but like you say sometimes the pressure is too much :/

I hope you can figure out how to break it for good though. ::

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Thankyou so much. I hope I can get through this..

Originally Posted by eblam81

JaySmiley, I hear you. I've read your posts. I'm sorry for your pain. I hope you can reach as deep down inside for that strength as you do for the pain! It's there... go for the good, not the bad. It's all a fight.

Thankyou. I appreciate your support. I hope I can find this strength you speak about haha