[JustAlison007]

Never have I been on these type things I just don't have anyone who has been through what I am going through around me. Don't really know where to begin...

Grew up with both parents mom was the dominate of the household she is educated and my father is not. He can barely read but is a hard labor worker. He has never been around much more than for dinner. Never has told me he loved me or given a hug. However mom told me she loved me but was very controlling and hardly around...Both of my parents worked a lot so I grew up being influenced by my grandmother and Aunt who were stay at home moms and wives...no male figure has ever been really present in my life. But my grandmother was pushed around and told what to do by her own daughter...from the time I can remember my Aunt has always been manipulative and would do anything to have an out come of a situation come out the way she saw fit. Even when it meant destroying lives ( not being dramatic) I spent the majority of my life watching her manipulate people referring to them as lesser beings than herself. She not only did these things to other people but to me....she would dangle things infront of me my mother did not want me to do and make me hate my mom for having rules when she did not...saying things like "now don't you just wish you could be my daughter I would let you do this" and my cousin would get things right in front of me and she would watch and smile loving every ounce of envy I had for him...and she would buy and buy and dote on him and then be like these are your things not hers and sit me back and make me watch him play....she would call me fat....ask "do you really need to be eating that piece of candy I mean look at yourself" as she gave my cousin whatever he wanted right in front of me ad give me a carrot and I would look at myself everyday and hate what I saw I wasn't even out of elementary school...I would feel pretty and twirl around in dresses and be happy she would undress me and put me in boy clothes. I would learn things and want to share it she would tell me to shut up and go outside. i would make crafts with her because she alway made little things i would feel proud and say I'm gonna give this to my mom she would laugh at it and make fun of it and I would change my mind....If I liked something she persuaded me to dislike it...if I loved it she destroyed it. All accidentally of course. Physically and mentally. She would wait to see me cry and it got to the point where I wouldn't and it pissed her off more than anything and she would tell me how ugly I was even more. She taught me by her actions to love something means that it will be destroyed. Also showed me that if someone know that you love something they will destroy it. She would have her moments when she wanted me to like her more than my own mother and would try to buy my affection with small things my parents couldn't afford. It worked for a second then she would go back to torture. I now think everyone is like her and doesn't really care about me and it ruins my life. I can't even tell someone I love them.

Now I expect everyone to be like her too no matter how hard I try not to I find her in everyone and avoid a lot of people entirely because I fear they will hate me and try to take what little gumption I have acquired.... I started cutting myself when I was in 7th grade I did it on my legs because I could hide it. I hurt so bad and felt so useless that I wanted to see the pain make it more real make me feel it like it was all over me. Made me less anxious made me think how can I hurt any more than I do now. It worked. I woke up one day and realized I needed to stop and did cold turkey but I ached in my chest I needed a outlet I had a relationship I buried myself in making sure that the other person thought the world of me at whatever expense because how could they just be my friend I had to give them some emotion. That relationship ended and when it did I was so broken I almost killed myself 3 times cried for weeks. But now... I have a relationship I care about I thought I cared for the other but that one was one sided now I have someone who says they truly care about me not because of what I can do for them but because they love me... And I love them...but this love I found can't be forever I noticed that a few months ago and it sent me spiraling again....I cut for 2 months and was caught by my mother who freaked out...then my friend found out...it made them furious they knew a little of what had happened in my life but didn't get why I had to cut to somewhat ease the ache I'm feeling....I know I will loose this relationship one day and it kills me...I promised them I would stop because they said that they were not going to stay around me if I did this....I couldn't bare to think of them not being apart of my life....now I have been there constant but I'm terrified that they are leaving forever paranoid because I want someone to love me unconditionally and I don't trust just anyone to do that and if I'm honest....I don't want friendship from them I want a life with them. But I am not what they want which hurts even more because I have never been good enough. I started cutting again last night and I'm paranoid they will find out and leave me. I don't have a therapist and I'm looking for some sort of way to get this never ending emotional problem to stop. I'm feeling pretty alone. I always feel embarrassed because I didn't have some one beat me to be like this they didn't touch me they just brain washed me and manipulated me and I can't break this. I hate living in my head always watching my back I want a break and I don't know how to get it.

hi ,I just wanted to drop by and send my love x

[Over and Again]

Hope you're doing better sweetheart ❤️

[JustAlison007]

Thank you guys I am doing better today haven't done anything since this last post it is difficult but its an everyday thing as you all know. Thank you for caring.