[MandiLT]

Hey guys. I recently posted in the new member section, so if you wanna know anything about me take a look there

So, there's a lot to say here I suppose. I guess I will start from the top.

I started cutting in May of this year. The reason I started was because my fiance of eight years cheated on me, in our apartment, on our couch. This was the most devastating thing I've ever had to go through. My world came down around me, and the only thing that could make me forget about the internal pain was through creating external pain upon myself.

After finding out he cheated on me, I moved in with my sister and her girlfriend (my sister is a lesbian). I wasn't very close to her, but we weren't total strangers either. So giving up my independence and privacy was one of the hardest things to deal with on top of this breakup. Since moving in, I've developed an amazing relationship with my sis and her girlfriend. I do, however, still miss my privacy and freedom of living on my own.

So, the next three to four months following my breakup, I desperately searched for a man to fill the void. Being single is not something I was used to by any means, especially being with one person for eight years of my life. So I sought out attention from guys whether it be from sex, friendship, or desperate attempts to be in another relationship. As each one rejected me (and for good reason, I was in no shape to start dating again) I felt more and more unloved, unwanted, and ultimately alone.

I returned to beauty school (I took a leave to deal with the breakup) and ended up landing an amazing assistant stylist job at local salon. This salon is one of the best in my County, and I honestly loved it there. However, I was limited to assisting since I was not graduated and properly licensed yet.

I graduated school about a month and a half or so ago. In my exit interview, I was told that I had a balanced owed of over 5,300 dollars and that I could not receive paperwork or my temp liscense until it was paid off.

Well, getting paid eight dollars as an assistant at the salon was not going to help me there. I couldn't get a loan because my credit it awful from my past relationship. I do not have a single rich relative to help, and no one in my family has decent enough credit to get me a loan.

Needless to say, I was let go from my job due to the fact that I am unlicensed, and I don't know when that situation will be rectified.

Picking up a lower paying job where I worked previously, I can hardly afford my car payment and cell phone payment let alone putting money on this huge chunk I owe my school.

With financial stresses weighing me down, things start to hit you one at a time. My battery went in my car, it started to leak gasoline, Christmas is coming up, I need to provide food and gas for myself, I have to go to the doctor to refill my meds (50 dollar copay), Walmart shorted me 100 dollars on my paycheck and wouldn't refund it, and I'm trying to fix all of the damage my cat has unfortunately created in my sisters home due to his disability. Bills are piling up, and I'm feeling overwhelmed more and more.

So, although those are just few of the issues I am facing, I decided to have some wine to drink last night. Having one too many, I became intoxicated and started to cut... Viciously. I was bleeding all over and called my mom and sisters in a drunken cry out for help. I was soon surrounded by police officers and emts who insisted that I go to the hospital for medical care. I didn't have much of a choice.

I feel like I hit an ultimate low last night. I can't continue to live my life this way, and I want to fix myself. I feel lost, as if I don't know who I am. I have a bad relationship with my mother, and I feel as though my self worth is entirely too low. I need to reach out, and that's what I am doing.

Having said all of that... What do you guys think? What can I do to help myself?

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[reesecups]

Wow! You've got a lot on your plate. No wonder you are feeling so bad. I can really empathize with you on this. I don't know a lot of answers for you, but as I'm being told, focus on only one thing at a time. Also don't ruminate about it. Keep yourself distracted - TV, book. I know - easier said then done.
Maybe write down the things you can do and the steps you need to do to achieve that goal. Take breaks, don't push yourself too hard. Be kind to yourself -- you deserve it.

Good luck.

[MandiLT]

Thanks I do journal and I've actually gone a few months without cutting. The other night was my first episode in a little while. But I'm confident I will deal with things in other ways, seeing that the experience of being taken by ambulance was no fun at all.

But I've been reading a lot and trying to establish healthy relationships with people who are worth having in my life. It doesn't make the financial stresses go away, but it helps knowing I have a great support system.

Thank you for your advice

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[reesecups]

Good for you. You are having a lot of stressors, and I think you are doing as well as can be expected. Having people who you can talk to is so important.
Good luck. Remember, just take it one day at a time, one step at a time.
Take care!

[SheHulk07]

I'm in a very similar situation as you with financial problems and everything hitting you at once. I understand how you may feel. I hope your trip to the ER is your lowest point and things get better for you. Unfortunately for me, I was in the ER about a month ago for overdosing a little, got scared and called a crisis line. But I have still been doing that and cutting when I feel too overwhelmed, which is a lot lately. I think reaching out is a great start.