Messed up and controlling people (could trigger)

I spent a week under close watching eyes of my family. It was good, but it was do what the whole family wanted.. not do what you want.

I got back on Saturday, and still have one sister that is controlling..

I started to realize what was going on, and then I felt like I had some time to myself and ended up si'ing. It felt good, and I so want to do it again tonight. I just want to run, to get away from people. in my head I've had a lot of shame messages. And then this all adds up and it over takes me. It feels like there's no way out

To add to all of this, I will be going back to work after a TLC tendon tear. I'm scared that I'm returning to soon. (6 week in cast 6 weeks in brace, and now 4 weeks slowly adding activities.)

SO much emotion right now. Can I just run away tonight!!!! And then not come back.

I can empathize with the feeling of loss of control. Feeling trapped and no way to get out of a situation. Sometimes people who love us become over possessive and controlling when the see we are in trouble. They feel like they have no control and no way to end the pain that you are in. It doesn't always come out the right way, and often just adds to the problem.

If your family already knows that you SI, are you able to tell the to back off? That while their concern is noted and appreciated its smothering you? I can remember my parents constantly watching me, talking me out of getting a job or going anywhere because they were afraid that I would either not come back at all or come back a mess.

If you can get some control over your life, it may help. How you do it depends on your family dynamics. Its ok to ask for help or to tell people that right now they need to leave you alone. I know that is a very difficult thing to do.

This question doesn't need an answer, just give it some thought. How long does the relief last after you SI? Do you find yourself slowly increasing the number of times you have to SI in order to make yourself feel better?

SI is an addiction. Like most addictions the euphoria lasts for shorter and shorter periods and you wind up either having to go deeper or do it more often. Its a coping mechanism, but like drugs, although it promises relief in the begining, over time it starts to control you and what you do. Its a dangerous game to play. (I know it isn't really a game and I don't mean it isn't serious). Infection, loss of the use of a limb, permanent scars that someday will bother you more than they do now are all part of the price. There are other ways of coping and you need to find one.

Though I no longer SI (two years "clean" after almost four decades of SI), I still occassionally have a strong urge to go back to it, but I know that if I do, I won't be able to stop. For a reality check, I look up photos of what people have done to themselves. Seeing compound fractures inflicted with a hammer was shocking, and then I saw extremely deep lacerations, and realized that they looked almost exactly like what I had done the last four days of SI before I stopped. Looking at it from the outside was like a bucket of cold water poured over my head.

Looking at those sites while you are still having trouble is probably counter productive, but if I could stop after forty years, you can too. You have to really want it and be willing to go through some rough periods, but once you have stopped, you will feel much better about yourself. You deserve better than you are giving yourself.

Sam2

I usualluy SI due to anger, and or rage. I did it today in front of my
son. I lost it; wuz triggered. Fortunately, he is still young, so he dont
realize. Usually when I do it, yea, I feel a release has left my body,
and not so much on overload.

Twice in one day.... that's a first. Honestly talking about the whole family dynamics didn't help today. I thought I could talk about it.... and now I feel even worse.. I don't feel like going to any New Year's Eve party. I just want to be alone and get through the night...

There's just so much shame associated with si. I keep a lot of this from my family because of the judgements that would occur. I have no one to talk to about all of this. and that makes me feel so ALONE. I'm starting to hate all holidays, one by one.