i keep bloody journals

for the past few weeks that i have been cutting i've been keeping these journals and there are three pages with writings and my blood on them to show my T because i don't believe she really now or believes to know how bad my cutting is.

i might take it in to show her so maybe then she'll be like ok i need to start helping more. if i continue to not see a difference in myself with her , i'm going to someone else.

Hang on there. I know right now you are probably feeling slighted that your T doesn't realize how badly your are hurting inside but what you are doing is not going to get you what you want.

There is a certain amount of fantasizing with cutting, mainly about how you expect someone to stop you, notice and help. It rarely goes the way you think it will. For one thing, therapists are not going to become personally involved with a patient ie, put them above all others, see them at a moments notice. (I've been there. I'm not talking out my ...). They are trained to be analytical, and if they do feel that they are becoming emotionally or personally involved with a patient, they are ethically bound to send you else where. Its not that they don't care. First off, if they did that, they would probably wind up killing themselves and that rate among therapists is high enough already. Secondly, it would make you dependant on your T, and as good as that sounds, its not. You can't stay in a dependant state permanently, and when it fell through, it would devestate you. I'm not talking about an intimate relationship. More of a caretaker deal.

I'm sorry if that felt like a slap, but there really isn't any easy way to say that. If you feel that this therapist is not taking you seriously, change therapists. There are no rules that say you can't be dead honest and even raise your voice if you feel you are being ignored or underestimated. The only person you will hurt by cutting and putting blood on your diary is you. Not only in the immediate future, but in the far future as well.

A diary in itself is a good idea. It helps you track your own behavior, feelings and either improvement or swirling the bowl. I cut for over three decades and though I never told anyone, they would find out when my car had a pool of blood or my shirt was covered. I was taken to the hospital once, where they put in sutures and sent me home regardless of my parent's pleas to keep me.
Prior to that, I tried to commit suicide. They sent me home the next day. I don't know what that says about the psychiatric community, but had I just said I was in trouble and needed help, I could have gotten some. Instead, no one took anything seriously. I wasn't cutting to get myself committed, but you would think that after seeing the same patient in the ER several times in a year for self inflicted damage that needed sutures, someone would get it. Use your voice, not your blade. You'll get further.

Sam2

thanks im trying really hard to use my small voice.

I was impressed with this post great advice , however i would say i have had cutting issues for many years too and definately do not want anyone to know i go to great lenghths to hide it no fantasizing here.

i feel weird and like people thing im seeking attention now

I do not think you are an attention seeker.......

I think you are like most of us - aware that we are not functionally well and seeking help from other people who know exactly how you are feeling.

thanks for saying that. that really does reassure me

No problem kiddo. Just speakin the truth..............

Hi again bazzinga, What's this "attention seeking"??!!
If you broke your leg would you keep quiet about it, not get any professional help with it, and try to pretend that it wasn't causing you any problems or it wasn't broken with people in your life??? Well facts are facts and what makes your pain/problems any the less worthy than if it were physical???
In fact I'd say (you know I'd say!! ) that your pain is a **** of a lot worse than having a broken leg!!!
As for your T though, it sounds like you feel she isn't really listening to you or understanding "where you're coming from". I've got to say it is brilliant that you're writing journals though, some people find it helps but it can be real hard too. So well done!!!
Just make sure that it isn't just a matter of your T reading them and potentially not "getting" them, adding their own interpretation. If you can talk about them with her that might help a lot in her seeing exactly what you're saying. And it'll be a good opportunity for you to express yourself more with her, with her needing to listen. Do not let her brush things off, you've come so far in letting things out, and that really matters so don't let anyone put you off. Aim for her to be a little more supportive but if you need to look for someone else while you're seeing her that's fine.
But again, I've got to really admire your drive in getting help!!!!! I know it seriously isn't an easy road to travel in working through the kind of things you're going through and it can take plenty of time but HEY you are definitely on track!!! Hang in there!!!
Alison

thanks again alison

Has s/he seen your fresh cuts?

No not yet

~Ashley~