Searching for my friend

TheOriginalMe · Mar 15, 2014, 08:30 PM

I've just self-injured, I resisted the urge for 48 hours, but this morning I realised that I was going to give in when I started searching for my friend. I thought I knew where to find him (for although my friend is inanimate and only has a name that identifies his composition, my friend is indeed male) but when I looked he wasn't there.

I started thinking about other episodes of self-injury down the years and wondered why I had formed attachments to two particular objects. My University friend was a tiny shard of broken glass, I kept her very close to me for more than three years, but she was taken from me when I was hospitalised for depression. The friend I have now has been with me for two and a half years, he is a piece of wood about a foot in length, one inch wide and half an inch thick. Although I hadn't visited him for a while, I was surprised at not being able to find him.

Undeterred by my friend's absence, I decided on an acceptable substitute and continued the rest of the day with all the usual saturday activities. I've never been so sangfroid about hurting myself as I was today. In the past there has been a loss of temper that preceded the loss of control, but this was a different kind of anger, much colder and less impetuous. I knew how many times and where I would hit myself, I imagined the pain, visualised the reddening and slow bruising of the skin. I made no attempt to distract myself from the seductive urgency of my craving as I already knew that I would succumb.

Now that it is done, I don't have any sense of relief or release; I can see, touch and feel the damaged skin and tissue, but there is no satisfaction just an impersonal emotional numbness, and I have no answer to the question of "How soon will I search for my friend again?"

Menu

Searching for my friend

My Support Forums