I just keep on wanting to cut. Trying to ignore it. Postpone it as long as possible. If I make it until Tuesday it will be three months without. I'm just not sure that I will make it.

Things have taken a turn for the worse lately. Haven't seen my T for four weeks because it was all going so well and I guess now it's catching up with me.

Along with the SI urges the sui thoughts are coming in thick and fast too. Too often I'm left thinking **** it. End it tonight. There is no hope for you anyway. Nothing will ever change. It won't ever be better.

I don't know what I want out of this thread. I just needed to get it off my chest. And maybe a hug. A hug would be nice.

[Frankbtl]

Hi secretwhisper, just focus on one day at a time, hey? Each and every day counts, each and every hour counts!! You have done so well so far!! So you clearly have a lot of strength, so maybe just try to fall back on that just as much as you can?
Certainly don't "beat yourself up" about having fallen back in how well you're doing, it often isn't easy to "let go" of SI and feelings like you've had. and while they may still come up from time to time, the more "right" help you get the easier it can become.
So for now just throw everything you've got into resisting, and that can be things that have helped in the past or different things if the older coping skills are wearing thin (sometimes they do).
As for your T, is there an emergency number for them? Although if not then there is still help out there e.g. helplines. Just keep telling yourself you deserve all the help you can get with this, it's not something you have to go through alone. Plus we're here for you too!!
And sending hugs your way as well..........!!
Alison

[x_BabyG_x]

Big for you, we've all been through it on here I'm sure you're stronger than you think and you can get through this xxx

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Just don't know if I can keep doing this. Just got out of the shower and am amazed I didn't hurt myself. But all the while I just kept thinking, tonight could be the night. It could be the night when it is all over. I really am tired of trying. I'm tired of fighting. And knowing the means is in the next room makes it so much easier....

[Frankbtl]

Hi, I know it might take massive resolve, but just remember that you are worth far more than this so anything to keep yourself safe!!
Whether that's throwing away the means, whether that's focusing on closing/and keeping closed the door to........whether that's phoning someone close/closeish and talking, focusing on tomorrow..........And you could focus on/tell yourself tonight could be the night you show the urges you're stronger, you start the ball rolling in moving forward/getting the help you need e.g. using a crisis line............
And you know that there's hope out there, you know that things can get better because you've been there.
I'm sure it wasn't easy but you've been there. It did get better!!! And you do have those skills to get there!!! It doesn't always have to be like this.......now with more support..........and it is there, you deserve it, so just........reach out!! Put yourself first!! You matter!!
Alison

[Victoria'smom]

Can you get a sooner appointment?

[Idiot17]

(((((secretwhisper))))). Hang in there, you did it until now, you can continue doing so.
Hugs.

I have an appointment on Wednesday. It's just a case of making it until then. The last couple of weeks have been hard with the majority of nights ending up with me in the same state. I really do hate this.

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((( secretwhisper ))))))))

I just want to cut and cut. I want to see the blood. If I start I might not stop. I think I might just lose it.

I have my fingers crossed for you............ I hope you make it.... and beyond

[Frankbtl]

Hi secretwhisper, you've "hit the nail on the head" there. One cut can lead to another, to another.....to a deeper.......to a deeper cut. So it's so worth doing everything you can in moving away from that, and so important to get whatever help you need.
Perhaps you could consider phoning a crisis line, unless there's anyone you can think to contact to help you with/through this??
Alison

Thanks but I don't want to call anyone. If I tell my bf he will likely make me stay with my parents. People worry and interfere and thats not what I need. You're so right, one cut leads to another to deeper. And thats kind of exactly what I want right now. I feel like it will help put me back in control. Because I'm spiralling.

[Frankbtl]

Hi, you know I can't say that it probably wouldn't help, it probably wouldn't make you feel in control because you know that temporarily........but it's just that- temporary-and the more often.....the harder it is to get back to even "just getting by", the less relief it's going to give you, the shorter the relief is going to last........
And you know that you don't want that to be the answer to........it's just maybe the only answer you feel you have right now.
But as that's not going to last anyway, maybe now is the best time to try and find something else that is gradually going to replace those urges/help you move away from the feelings causing the urges and last a lot longer than "temporary".
I know it must be so hard to think that way, but every journey needs to start with a first step. So maybe it could start with calling your therapist/talking or making an appointment or if you feel the need phoning a helpline. Basically pushing in whatever direction for some more help/support to start to move past these feelings.
Alison

Well I'm in bed now. Safest place for me! Maybe I will call my T tomorrow...he did say when I saw him yesterday that if things stayed the same I should call on Friday and he can arrange an earlier appointment for me...I just hate having to.

[Frankbtl]

Hi, good idea about phoning your therapist, and you really shouldn't feel bad about feeling you need to do that. Just because things haven't gone "right" for you before or since your last appointment doesn't have to be a reflection on you at all.
It more says that the help you've had so far doesn't quite "fit your needs". And that doesn't even need to say that you need "lots more help" it's maybe about finding the help that's right for you however that comes.
That can sometimes take time as depression can be really unpredictable. But if you're open and talk about exactly where you're at it can help in finding a way forward. And whatever help you're needing now doesn't mean to say that you're going to be needing that forever. It's more about getting to the goal at the end of the day in you feeling better, whatever that takes.
Anyway, glad you're safe right now, good on you!!
Alison

Well I at least tried to phone my T. I'm sure he said call on Friday....but he's not in until Monday! I give up!

[Frankbtl]

Hi secretwhisper, well done on reaching out to your T. And while it must be really disappointing that......Monday........and seem like such a long time away, you know you've already made it so much further than you were thinking you could manage, right? There is so much more in you than you probably realize!!
Now you've reached out, that's amazing, but there will be other people you can reach out to between now and Monday if you need to.
You've made that first step in trying to get some help, don't let it stop there if you need help (!!) e.g. crisis lines. You so deserve all the help that it's going to take to help you feel better. You deserve to feel better, so whatever help it takes!!
Alison

Thank you...I will try. I feel so defeated though. Don't know if I can make it much further. I've lost the number for the local crisis team...maybe I can find it online. I hate them though.

[Frankbtl]

Hi, well it's good you had the number!! It's good you used the number!!
And yes, if you put crisis team and your area in a search engine you should find it.
If they don't seem that helpful when you talk to them though, just try to keep as calm as you can at the time and emphasis how you're feeling inc. the things going on for you, and that you need help with it. Don't be thrown, just help them to fully understand where you're coming from. And if things don't get better after the first time you call, just call them back. That's what they are there for, to help!!
And...........just one day at a time...........if you're struggling, you're not on your own, you don't have to do it on your own!! We're right here for you of course, and there are people whose job it is to help. Don't hesitate to reach out!!
Alison

I will try to remember that, thanks