[Angelornot]

I have not self harmed in a couple months. I have a job and it's too hot out to wear clothes that cover everything and I want to be able to wear a bikini so I can't. But I still dream about it. A lot of times when I'm stresses I dream I'm back in treatment. I dream about cutting myself and I daydream about it frequently. At night memories come back of being raped and I get so mad and anxious and helpless and I just feel it all so strongly I'm not quite sure what to do with myself. Without even thinking about it I'll start hitting myself or biting myself, not even thinking of it as self harm. I don't know how else to just get it out. At work the other day the guy who raped me was talking to me (I work with him which is extra stressful cause I can't avoid him) and he said something about that night and I just felt so anxious I went to do the dishes so I could be away from everyone but I kept thinking about the knives we had there and I almost cried multiple times and I tried to hide it but even the owner came and asked me if I was okay. I need something I can do at work that people won't ask me about because one guy there already makes fun of my scars. It can't be markers or rubberbands because I work with food and I can't have stuff on my hands or wrists, no sanitary.
And also how do you forgive somebody for something like that I get so mad when I think about him...

[ShiningLight]

That's a horrible situation to be in!! I can't imagine what that must be like, having to see him at work! Do you have the opportunity to talk about this to a therapist? They might be able to help you sort out possible ways to cope/address the situation.

For what it's worth, I had intrusive memories that were distracting me at work. So I taped a nickel to the inside of my elbow. Every time I bent my arm, it hurt. The pain pushed back the memories. After day 2 of this, I had to stop because arms were experiencing spasms, so all-day-long might be too long for this sort of thing.

I'm sorry your are experiencing such distress. It's a distressing situation. You are an amazingly strong person for showing up to work every day! You have my utmost admiration!

[Angelornot]

Originally Posted by ShiningLight

That's a horrible situation to be in!! I can't imagine what that must be like, having to see him at work! Do you have the opportunity to talk about this to a therapist? They might be able to help you sort out possible ways to cope/address the situation.

For what it's worth, I had intrusive memories that were distracting me at work. So I taped a nickel to the inside of my elbow. Every time I bent my arm, it hurt. The pain pushed back the memories. After day 2 of this, I had to stop because arms were experiencing spasms, so all-day-long might be too long for this sort of thing.

I'm sorry your are experiencing such distress. It's a distressing situation. You are an amazingly strong person for showing up to work every day! You have my utmost admiration!

my parents wont get me a therapist and I cant afford one. the nickel thing is a good idea, I'll try that. thanks