[dalila]

I've been gone from here for a long time, but the depression came back this winter and with the craving to SI. I really need somewhere to talk about it so here I am again.

It has literally been years since I did it. I even went nearly a year without craving it! As the depression crept back into my life the cravings and imagining SI came back. I really don't want to slip but the struggle seems harder all the time. I even dream about it.

I was doing so well I told my family about it. I really wanted to have as many barriers to slipping again as possible. Now it feels like all the more pressure I am carrying. I want to. . . I don't want to . . . I can feel myself doing it. . . I feel I am making myself nuts.

[jacq10]

((((((((Dalila))))))))))

First of all, welcome back. Secondly, that is GREAT that you went so long without SI. Seriously, that is a huge accomplishment!

The annoying thing with SI is that it's a pattern of behaviour that becomes almost instinctive when you are feeling low. You feel depressed or anxious or whatever the case may be, and your brain automatically searches for the relief that SI brings. It's instinctive, like a smoker craving a cigarette. To me, it makes sense that if you are currently struggling with depression again, that your urges to SI would come back with those thoughts.

The good news? You went so long without SI, that that is evidence that you CAN fight it. It may seem like you have no control over it (e.g., thoughts of SI coming back in your dreams, etc.) but you need to try and convince yourself that YOU are the one in control. When those thoughts come, acknowledge that they are there, maybe even acknowledge that they were a way of coping in the past, but that they will not become a part of your future. Just because the thoughts are there again does not necessarily mean that you will act on them.

I think your quote in your name is perhaps the answer you were looking for. Trust that you have the courage to get through this rough time, and fight the habit of SI, or the fear of SI, and don't let it dictate your actions.

You can do this!!!!
Jacq

[dalila]

Been sitting here for a while reading this forum, especially the reasons not to SI. Those were helpful as well as knowing that I am not the only one.

Because of my depression I had to go back on medication and to do that I have to go back to a psychiatrist. To do this I had to do an interview to explain why I need to see one. Explaining parts of the past made it too real again. I think I am cursed in that I have strong body memories. . . so I have been feeling things I don't want to remember much less feel again and one way I used to escape those feelings - SI.

Nothing like a nice jolt of pain, rush of endorphins and sitting there watching the blood flow to do that for me at least. I think I have already slipped a bit in that I have been pulling out hairs on my arms and ah well other places but not cutting or sticking pins or needles into me.

Stupid perhaps but I can't seem to recall what I used to do to derail those nasty memories. Why are some men such pigs?