[DLR7885]

My therapist told me tonight in very direct terms that I need to stop cutting and I have to get rid of my knife. My first reaction was that I can't because it's my security blanket that assures me that when things get too triggered to handle I have a way to get instant relief and at the same time not express the anger to others, and so far it has been unmatched. He also told me I have to stop the self-hitting. That one doesn't seem as hard to give up, although hard when I am in temper nonetheless.

As far as alternatives or substitutes, I have tried the rubber band on the wrist as well as ice. He suggested exercising in the moment when the agitation is starting to build. We also discussed listening to music or watching it on YouTube.

All in all, I haven't found anything that provides the same myriad of "benefits" - relief, release, parasuicide, punishment, rebellion, etc. But I am going to make the effort and get rid of my knife because I want therapy to succeed. He explained that as long as I continue with SI, it will impede progress. And since the SI has only been intensifying along with suicidality (in thought and action), it is now time to set boundaries that cut them out. This would allow me to express what I am feeling in therapy where it belongs instead of literally cutting out the emotional pain.

I would be interested in hearing from anyone who went cold turkey like this or more gradually, as it is an addiction. At this point, I am not quite sure how I will get by without it but I want therapy to work and I want to actually recover someday.

[123muacanho]

Good infomation guy. Thanks

[EloquentlyBuilt]

Hey, I'm kind of in the same boat.
I've cut for the last 8 years of my life; everyday (minus a few days here and there). And I know it's tough to quit- I'm still trying- but it's gotta be possible.
Music I'm sure would help, if you're not listening to emotional music. Even though sad songs might make you feel less alone, if the songs leave you thinking in a not-so-positive way don't listen to them.
Art; whether it's playing music, writing, dancing, drawing, sculpting, etc. Chose something precise, like drawing a person and taking your time, or use paint and just splatter a wall. For me, the precise doesn't work, it just makes me angry, but the concentration needed might be the opposite for you.
I second your T on the exercise part. If your emotions are starting to get the better of you- go into auto drive. Slip shoes on, don't allow your mind to wander or think of anything; just act, and go outside. Run if you have to, just keep moving. (I used to do this till I sprained both my ankles and then sprained my other ankle again.)
Routine would probably help too. Every time you want to cut/hurt yourself do the same thing (write, draw, paint, run, etc.)
Cold turkey might not be the best for you, but even if you relapse you're still golden. Just as soon as you get your mind back, take control and stop, just remember that you don't WANT to cut anymore (even if you actually do at the moment).
The mantra: I CAN (cut/insert word), but I don't WANT to; helps a lot. Just because we tend to rebel, even against ourselves, and when we're under the impression we CAN'T do something, we want to do it even more.
If you feel your mind starting to spiral and your emotions starting to get the better of you, just close your eyes and imagine you're pushing the walls in your brain all the way to the edges; just to get them away and give you some room to breathe.
This may not help, there might still be a tinge/wanting, but just stick to your ultimate goal; to move on, leave this habit in the past.

[Mike_J]

Quitting is hard, it's something I feel you should try to stop "cold turkey" but still be kind to yourself if you slip up now and again.

[DLR7885]

Amongst other benefits, I am looking forward to not having to wear long-sleeve shirts all summer like last year.

Thank you for the support.

[DLR7885]

The knife has been thrown away and I am cutting-free for two days, which compared to the frequency just prior to this point is an accomplishment.

However, I very much feel the lack of an outlet for the paralyzing anger. So I withheld and withheld until I couldn't. I hit again and it did help.

So I will keep trying but it's very hard.

Congrats to you on the successes you have had.