[celtic.starlite]

This Monday will be 7 weeks since I last cut. Tonight, I don't care. My urges are strong and I don't know if I have the strength tonight to stop myself. I need a release. I'm not sure I can fight the urges any more.

[ArtsieLady]

You can do it....I know you can........I'm trying hard to fight the urges too......try to distract yourself with anything else. Hang in there

[celtic.starlite]

Thank you. I'm trying but they are so strong tonight.

[notz]

Please don't. Things to do instead of hurting yourself, one of the Stickys at the top of the start page.

[Frankbtl]

Hi Celtic, really sorry I missed you. Just let us know how it's gone/going when you get back, hey?? We/I care!!!

Alison

[celtic.starlite]

I didn't give in yet. Urges are still there. Had a few memories come forward with the triggers from last night (not repressed just ones I haven't been thinking about).
Thanks for the support.

[Frankbtl]

Hi Celtic, WELL DONE!!! That's 10 hours, 10 whole hours (!!!) since you made this thread, and you haven't given into the urges!!! You have strength!!!
Just the fact alone, that you've made it through 7 weeks says so much!!!!!!
And you do deserve more than you're feeling!!
So can we help?? Do you want to talk about the triggers......or the urges.......or anything at all?? Either which way we're here for you, regardless.

Alison

I gave into my urges last night, previous to that you were a day ahead of me. I found it useful knowing that, seeing your count because I am just too forgetful to remember myself!

I hope you can continue to stay strong. You seem like a fighter to me and I'm pretty sure you can do this!!

[celtic.starlite]

I'm sorry secretwhisper. Thank you. Hugs

Alison, just too much right now. I might put it on my other thread in the Survivors of Abuse forum later. Hugs

[ArtsieLady]

I gave in this morning but, celtic.starlite, your strength is inspiring to me and I wish you even more strength

[celtic.starlite]

So, if I'm going to be honest here .... the first thought in my head for Artsie and Secrete .... Why me? How come I'm an inspiration for you? I'm one of the worst people you could use for inspiration, I'm sorry.

I'm glad I can inspire you guys, don't get me wrong, I just don't see why you chose to be inspired by me.

Celtic

[TheTurtleLives]

NO! Celtic, you talk to me you hear me!! Talk to me I tell you everything you can talk to me, Please Don't cut!!!!!!
I love you too much!!
xx

Originally Posted by celtic.starlite

So, if I'm going to be honest here .... the first thought in my head for Artsie and Secrete .... Why me? How come I'm an inspiration for you? I'm one of the worst people you could use for inspiration, I'm sorry.

I'm glad I can inspire you guys, don't get me wrong, I just don't see why you chose to be inspired by me.

Celtic

I think for me it just helped because your last time was the day before mine. And in my head that was important to me, even though I don't think we have even spoken before. Seeing that you could hold out told me it was possible and that I can do it too.

I'm not sure why you would see yourself as one of the worst people for inspiration, I guess you see yourself pretty harshly? You're better than you think you are

[Frankbtl]

Originally Posted by secretwhisper

........................................I guess you see yourself pretty harshly? You're better than you think you are

Definitely seconded Celtic!!!!!!!!!
Alison

[celtic.starlite]

I do. I hate myself. I try to do the fake it until you make it crap and right now it just isn't working. I have all kinds of crap going on in real life, in my head, and even with online people. I'm told to put me first but when I do, everyone gets mad at me because I'm not putting them first. I am told to talk about my crap but when I do I get told my crap isn't as bad as their crap so I shouldn't feel how I do. I screw everything up. I don't even want to use my shaver like I always do to keep from cutting too deep. I want to go buy a box cutter so I can get deeper. Everyone keeps telling me I don't understand, but maybe they don't understand. I hate me. I want to die. I can't get the crap out of my head. I can't say things so people do understand. I don't think anyone would notice if I disappeared, and any of you who say you would, you'd get over it, probably in a few days. **** life. I'm tired. I am so tired of fighting every day. I hate that you guys see me as an inspiration, because sooner or later I'm going to let you down. Right now you are the only reason I haven't given in since reading your comments. I don't want to let you all down. I just don't know how much longer I can fight. I hate this! I have too much built up inside. I need a release. how do I release it without cutting?

[Frankbtl]

Originally Posted by celtic.starlite

I do. I hate myself. I try to do the fake it until you make it crap and right now it just isn't working. I have all kinds of crap going on in real life, in my head, and even with online people. I'm told to put me first but when I do, everyone gets mad at me because I'm not putting them first. I am told to talk about my crap but when I do I get told my crap isn't as bad as their crap so I shouldn't feel how I do. I screw everything up. I don't even want to use my shaver like I always do to keep from cutting too deep. I want to go buy a box cutter so I can get deeper. Everyone keeps telling me I don't understand, but maybe they don't understand. I hate me. I want to die. I can't get the crap out of my head. I can't say things so people do understand. I don't think anyone would notice if I disappeared, and any of you who say you would, you'd get over it, probably in a few days. **** life. I'm tired. I am so tired of fighting every day. I hate that you guys see me as an inspiration, because sooner or later I'm going to let you down. Right now you are the only reason I haven't given in since reading your comments. I don't want to let you all down. I just don't know how much longer I can fight. I hate this! I have too much built up inside. I need a release. how do I release it without cutting?

Hi Celtic, You don't have to be anyone different than the person you are to be an inspiration. You don't have to be flawless, you don't have to be perfect, and it's OK to cry, to feel like you're falling apart, to scream out, to want help, to not be what you think other people want you to be.............because that's the person that we admire, that's the person we respect. You don't have to fake, pretend, try to be someone you're not ALL you need to do is be you.
And you know that we're here to try to help you as much as we can in all of that, you don't have to be strong for anyone, when you're not feeling so strong just let us try to help you. Nothing at all wrong with not being "strong" at times!!!
As for the people who get mad with you for not putting them first, and dismissing what's going on for you, not listening to you.........then those people you don't want need in your life. Don't accept it, you should be able to expect more from the people in your life.
As for the "faking it till you make it" thing, well I can't dismiss it based on some people saying it's really worked for them. But I can see how that may just have you trying to bury/bottle up very real feelings, feelings you need to express, feelings you actually need help/support/understanding with. And the more you try to bury/bottle up those feelings..............
Well I'll just say that I'm glad you're telling us on here how you're feeling. So keep on talking, hey? We do care!!! Perhaps we're seeing the bits in you that you're finding it hard to see after your past experiences. But those experiences don't have to define you/permanently shape you into..........real support/help can make a difference in time.

Alison