[jacq10]

on ways to kill myself.

I don't think I'm particularly depressed (more than usual I mean)... I just can't stop obsessing about it. I've found these sites where it tells you the minimal lethal dose of certain drugs, and I find myself fantasizing about what it would be like to take that amount.

It's kind of scary because I'm thinking about this in a seemingly rational way, just as I would decide what to buy at the grocery store.

Should I be concerned about this? Or do you think this is just a "phase" and I will move out of it eventually?

[catastrophic]

You should be concerned and take these thoughts to your doctor. Xo

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[ifst5]

Many conditions feature obsessive patterns of thought surrounding death and existentialism. Depending on the sorts of difficulties you have, thinking about suicide can also be a way of comforting yourself during more distressing moments. I don't know whether you already seek professional help but obviously i would encourage you to do so - especially if the depression worsens and your functioning is affected markedly.

For now maybe it's best to try and stay mindful of the fact that there's rather a big difference between reading up how many pills you need to take and actually performing such an act. That is not to undermine you, more of an encouragement to take responsibility where you can and resist being excessively worried for the moment. All the best.

[jacq10]

Originally Posted by ifst5

... and resist being excessively worried for the moment.

Excessive worry is one of my hallmarks. In a way, I think that these obsessive thoughts are a way to make me feel in control of my life. As in, I have an option if things get so hard I feel like I have none.

You're right that researching things is substantially different than the act... I guess I was just uncertain how big of a deal I should be making out of the thoughts. I have an appt with my pdoc on Thursday so I will bring them up with her.

Thanks!

[SheHulk07]

Originally Posted by jacq10

Excessive worry is one of my hallmarks. In a way, I think that these obsessive thoughts are a way to make me feel in control of my life. As in, I have an option if things get so hard I feel like I have none.

You're right that researching things is substantially different than the act... I guess I was just uncertain how big of a deal I should be making out of the thoughts. I have an appt with my pdoc on Thursday so I will bring them up with her.

Thanks!

I have had the same thoughts, and have shared them with my T. I think it's something that's worth discussing with someone, and maybe you can pinpoint what's causing these obsessive thoughts.

[Idiot17]

If you can bring it up with your pdoc, go for it. Rational thoughts can lead to action. Though I know the feeling of having the knowledge of possibilities so you can have the control over your life.
Good luck.

[smmath]

I have been through that and in the end it was that action that landed me in the hospital. Having that kind of knowledge can be very dangerous. I am glad that you are going to share these thoughts with people. I have been there.

Let me know if you ever want to talk about this....or maybe it is me who wants to talk. Sorry, just want you to know that you are not alone.

[jacq10]

Originally Posted by smmath

Let me know if you ever want to talk about this....or maybe it is me who wants to talk. Sorry, just want you to know that you are not alone.

Thanks for this. I will extend the same invitation to you if you would ever like to talk

I know my shrink freaks out when she hears I have been "researching".

so I suppose the answer is yes..... but part of me fully understands you too.... and says f*** the "normals" of this world.

[Victoria'smom]

I do the most damage when I irrationally think rationally about things. So I would tell your therapists.

[Abby]

As irritating as this may be - I think you're probably better at judging how concerned you should be. Certainly I would imagine that being aware of what you are doing is, in the very least, a positive, and opens the potential to self-reflect on the reasons for why you have started this behaviour.

In a way how dangerous it is likely depends on how you can act when you are less rational - e.g. are you impulsive?....do you retain information and could you foresee yourself using the information gained to hurt yourself in a dangerous way in the future? etc. Are you able to notice when you slip into an 'at risk' time? Do you have a crisis plan or at least key people to talk to at these times?

For me, sometimes doing things like this are indicative of me needing an outlet. It can indicate my depression is worse - or at least my stress levels/ability to cope is being stretched. My suicidal thought often skyrocket when stressed out and I feel unable to problem solve my way through a situation. Realising I'm doing things like research therefore makes me realise I've perhaps need some extra support....so in many senses I don't consider it a particularly negative coping strategy, although I get how scary it can be when it seems so rationally performed! But, caveat is that this is only how it works personally for me...you may be different and it might indicate other things....

Do you have a therapist? There will be no harm in telling your pdr - I'd imagine it's best to say than to not...but a therapist may help you dissect why this is happening and that may offer you a greater sense of understanding and control over the situation in the long term.

I hope if you ever have the urge to act on your newly researched information, you also give yourself the chance to get help beforehand!

[jacq10]

Thank you all so much for your thoughtful responses!!!

[jacq10]

Originally Posted by Abby

do you retain information and could you foresee yourself using the information gained to hurt yourself in a dangerous way in the future?

Yes I most definitely can see myself using the information to hurt myself in the future. It was probably bad that I found out what I did because now I know how many pills (of various kinds) that I would need to take in order to do harm. That knowledge I can't take back. I'm actually surprised I didn't find this out sooner... the fact that I haven't is what is bothering me. Why now?

I do have a T yes. We aren't really making much progress though, and are kind of in a slump if you will. I have a new pdoc who I am very hopeful about, and so I really hope that she can help me make some progress. Unfortunately she is only a "short-time" pdoc in that she stabilizes medication and then refers you back to your family GP. It's good because it will help with the one piece, but I really feel like I could benefit from seeing her for therapy too. Oh well ...

Thanks so much for your thoughtful response Abby. I went back and re-read it again.


jacq

Jacq...... not to crap on your parade.... but speaking from experience - it is nearly IMPOSSIBLE to end yourself with pills (legal pills that is). I did all that research too. I followed all that they said. once, twice, three times.... doubled what they said - once, twice, three times.

It don't work. I just messes you up real bad.

PREFERABLY - I hope you stick around.