[bassrunnin]

Am I bipolar or going crazy? CA trigger warning
PLEASE BEWARE THIS COULD BE TRIGGERING FOR ANY CHILD ABUSE SURVIVORS

So my mom has bipolar and so does my brother. I have PTSD from military due to combat related and MST on top of that...nothing like being gang raped by the people you work and fight with and then have to wake up and encountering fire fights day after...(good times) and and was diagnosed with ADD at that time as well. So been going to therapy for 6 months now and a little over a month ago a flood of memories came about being sexually abused as a child repeatedly from about Pre-K to 6th grade...I know there is a huge debate revolving around repressed memories, but there is no doubt and it has been confirmed...I have been having nightmares and flashbacks...so things have been very stressful at work as well. On Tues I was put on a Final Written Notice for performance. It put me over the edge...at first I wanted to kill myself, then I started to get really angry and hating myself with disgust which turned into revulsion to the point that it made me sick to my stomach and I detested my body and wanted to suffer like I did as a child being raped and be enraged by it...after all it was all the past that is causing me to likely lose my job, which puts my family at risk and we would lose everything I have worked for despite everything.
So I got on craigslist found an "opportunity" and took it. I was expecting a forceful interaction and it was not...so didn't help, but even though married I also didn't care. Fast forward to yday...still seeking to be "punished" so again answered ad this time being blindfolded and handcuffed...still nothing...no pain then I realized the pain I was wanting was how I felt when I was raped as a child...well when I was a kid I was alot smaller. So I tried again last night and almost had all the pieces but not quite enough and way to nice a person...
So now I am looking to do a Rape Scenario and I feel like it would release all this rage and anger so I can move on...Like once I'm punished and get what I deserve then I can heal. I guess in part because this remembering feels like it was yday and not years ago...I hope I am making sense.
So my biggest fear with family history is being labeled bipolar and am wondering if I am since the past week's actions? So I wanted to reach out in the forums to try and make sense of this all since I feel that I can't talk to my therapist because I don't want my husband to find out and ruin my family and i don't know if she would be obligated to tell him since it would be considered "risky/dangerous behavior".

Thanks for any responses...I'm really confused about all this...I will say I have been feeling like everything is surreal and I am dealing with two people on a daily basis but not at the same time...OK enough said...thanks again for any advice, insights or ideas...

PS I did try with my husband first, but it was to triggering with him (I think since I love him and the person who molested/raped me was someone I loved as well) So I thought a stranger would work. Also, all this is making me feel like I am going crazy...I have always dissosciated and have been numb. it's only thru therapy that I have begun to feel but it's all feelings at once. Now with these memories I feel the emotions individually and it's a roller coaster throughout the day in my head that I almost can't take it with the flashbacks as well

[bassrunnin]

But what about talking to my therapist about it...I'm afraid she won't understand, condemn me, instantly label me and tell my husband. What do u think?

[kororain]

Anything done to "punish" yourself sounds like self harm to me.

Why do you think T would disclose things to your husband? That seems outside the limits of therapy. What happens in the room stays in the room and all that. Wouldn't it be illegal for her to tell him?

[TheWell]

Revisiting your rape by recreating it is not going to make it better. Working through it in therapy is the only way. You need to tell your therapist. You are not a danger to yourself or others (danger of loss of life) and he has no right to tell your husband. Mention HIPPA then tell your story to your therapist. Your therapist can only help you if you let them.

[bassrunnin]

Thanks to everyone who responded. I wanted to let everyone know what ended up happening...figure it may help someone down the line. Well, I followed the advice of most responses and let my therapist know what I had done. She then had me committed and asked if I wanted to go to the VA or private hospital. I opted for the VA and that was the worst mistake I could have ever made. After 10 days and no end in sight or help, my husband finally convinced them to discharge me so I could be admitted to a private hospital. Was at the new hospital for 9 days....So basically I have been hospitilized from the 6/3 - 6/22...funtimes to say the least. Know I can't get my head around the fact that I was hospital. It seems like such a fog and like it was someone else and not me...everytime I think about being committed, well I can't think about....I won't let myself think about it...it's just to much for me to handle or to admit. Especially since for the last 40 years through hell and back never needed help....so that's where I've been. Last week I was in a Partial Hospital Program...and this week I am back with my therapsist and an Intensive Outpatient Program 3x week.

I can tell anyone who ever contemplates what I had done, well read this first...when I gave into temption here's what happened...I didn't feel anything...during the acts or after....probably because it's not real enough...so was pretty much a waste of time, but in doing those acts I was committed, almost lost my entire family as the VA said that I was manic and had bipolar and because of my very abusive past it was better for my husband to leave me and that I should never be allowed to be unsupervised around my children, so I almost lost everything and quite honestly the only thing that I felt during the last month, is that I've been running so long, that my past not only caught up to me, but overtook me and just about destroyed me. It was like 40 years of trying to do the right thing in the midst of some of the most horrendous acts that anyone could imagine and here it is I lost everything in a matter of a week. I hope know one ever has to go thru what I did...honestly in the end it was like being victimized all over again...Hope this helps some....

[tealBumblebee]

I'm sorry to hear about what happened to you now. Where are you now emotionally?

[bassrunnin]

Numb...distant