I need to.......(possibly very triggering)

I wont do this i just need to write how i am feeling at the moment!!!! This is not a suicidal thing...just overwhelming

I need to cut. I need to cut. I need to cut. It has to come out...now...it has to...it will kill me ....it will rip me apart...I need to cut all over...so bad....i want to cut my legs, arms, neck, face, hands, back, feet...i want to bleed like i never bled before...i want to lie down and feel it drip off my body. I want to so bad...
I want to cut so deep i can see inside...i did that once...it didnt bleed horribly...but if you cut the same cut over and over again then pull the skin apart...it happens...i wish there was more blood....I dont know why...writing this right now is saving me...Otherwise i would be in the bathroom mutiliating myself right now...i want to rip my hair out..i want to bang my head against the wall, I am screaming inside with such power and hatred...yet i know all i look like right now is involved typing on the computer...i want to take my head and smash it through glass, i want to tear through my skin i want to rip the flesh of my bones. I hate my family...i hate alot of people....JIMMY HOW COULD YOU TOUCH ME LIKE THAT!!! I JUST WANTED TO PLAY NIGHT TAG WITH A FEW OF OUR FRIENDS...YOU HAD TO HAVE MY FLESH THOUGH DIDNT YOU!!!!!!PAP HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO ME....YOU THOUGHT IT WAS OK TO RUN YOUR HANDS DOWN MY BODY? TO BREATHE YOUR NASTY ROTTEN BREATH ON MY NECK...WHEN YOUR REAL GRANDCHILD WAS IN THE OTHER ROOM ....WHEN YOUR WIFE WAS IN THE OTHER ROOM!!! MOM HOW COULD YOU TELL ME ITS OK TO BE MOLESTED...THAT IT JUST HAPPENS...HOW COULD YOU TELL ME IM SO FAT...WHEN IM ONLY 120 POUNDS..HOW I DESERVED STEPDADS HITS...MY HEAD BEING PUNCHED ON THE GROUND WITH HIS KNEES AND HANDS...ITS OK TO BE SORE....ITS OK TO BE SCARED AND SCREAMED AT...ITS OK THAT MY REAL DAD TOUCHED MY BREAST AND MAKE ME FEND FOR MYSELF...BARELY EATING AND SURVIVING. I HATE YOU....I HATE MYSELF....i just want to be ok again...i just need to be ok...please let me be ok...i want to curl up and never face the world again...

Good job writing that and keeping yourself safe. I am sorry that those things happened to you.

Rap

thank you
it was very hard to write that...and at the same time...the hatred made it so easy....if that makes sense...
i feel like that all the time...
the SI is getting worse...im starting to give in to my urge and put a cut on my arm..just one so its not suspicious...since i work as a laborer at night...people dont question it...i like it that way...
i wish i wasnt so vain about my arms and all my exposed body parts...i had a bad run in with someone who recognized my arms as SI and in front of the whole congregation at church told my mother that i was cutting myself....people have never looked at me the same since....
your one of the very few people who respond to me...your very nice....am i scaring people...or making them feel weird? Is that why they dont post...maybe im too self involved....i try to pm people and give those quick replys....i do care about others...i really do...i wish i could help them all...they are all so wonderful
thank you so much my friend (((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))

Maybe they just need more time to get to know you, or they might not know what to say. Keep posting, and you will get replies. It is also easier to keep replying if you are working on your issues and trying to reduce your SI. Otherwise it gets frustrating to keep trying to help someone who doesn't seem to be accepting help. It is a lot more encouraging if you share your efforts and progress.

Rap