[Jane102]

Before passing judgement, hear me out.

OK so, Ive been SI free for about 2 months now, which Im proud of. But my suicidal thoughts are just going out of control and I liturally have no life anymore, I spend all day in the dark in bed. I get so frustrated and annoyed. SI helped me with this, it got my emotions under control enough so that I could actually be productive.
I know SI is bad but its not as bad as suicide.

Ive tried reaching out for help but twice Ive been rejected. I think that because of my diagnosis(bpd) they dont think Im serious(one of the symptoms is suicidal behaviors to manipulate others which I think is so messed up but I can understand at the same time). I really cant handle this anymore and I dont really see why I should.
So my suicidal thoughts are so strong right now and it feels like Ive no where to turn.
So I say it again SI is bad but not as bad as suicide.

What do you guys think?

[celtic.starlite]

I think you need to find healthier coping habits. I'm finding it harder to quit the SI now that I started it up again after two years free of it. I am much worse than I ever was and I have heard other say the same thing. If you have already quit don't turn back to it please. Try to find another healthy coping skill to use. Hugs

Be safe,

Celtic

[NoddaProbBob]

I think what Celtic said hits it right on the head. After stopping and going back to it, things just get insanely out of control. I stopped for a long time and ended up turning to burning when I started again. Something I had never done before.
I stopped and started again after that. I went back to cutting and in one sitting would cut in excess of a hundred times in one sitting.

It's a slippery slope. An evil, slippery slope.

You need to find other coping skills, but more importantly, you need to reach out for serious help. If you feel as if you're seriously going to end your life or have a plan then you need to go to your local ER. They will be able to assess you and refer you to the proper resources. Their doctors will know how to help you and where to send you so that you can receive the help that you truly deserve.

There are better options and better ways.
Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. It may not feel temporary, but I promise, with the proper care, you will start to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Be kind to yourself

[TheWell]

Do you have a therapist? Sounds like it's time to talk to someone.

[ifst5]

The issue is self harm gradually becomes ineffective as well...so what's left, suicide? You deserve help regardless of your troubles and whilst i have BPD too and know what a nightmare it is to get properly treated, it's not totally hopeless. Just to point out as well, people with BPD don't generally 'manipulate' - i certainly don't, and there's been research conducted that proves it's not the basis of certain behaviours. If you think about it, we're quite direct a lot of the time so our intentions are more easily 'found out.' To my mind, manipulative people are successful in getting what they want. Are you successful? You say you've been rejected for help twice - doesn't sound like manipulation to me

Please don't give up, i know it's hard to remain inspired to carry on, but you don't want to be another statistic that proves how awfully we're treated or how much research BPD still needs - fight the good fight and as they often say on M.A.S.H, don't let the ******* win

Originally Posted by Jane102

......... SI is bad but not as bad as suicide.

I have said this same thing countless times to my therapist. I totally agree with your concept Jane.

That said - I hope you find a better way. I do not want you to be hurt physically or mentally. I would love for you to find happiness, to find joy, to find peace.

But if the choice truly is a few cuts versus life - it is a no-brainer.

[puzzclar]

Those of us that have been in the same spot say the same thing. Yes SI is bad, and suicide is worse. The memories behind every thought are worse.

There are other things that can help. Therapy groups, therapists, counselors, friends, family, PC, distractions, healthy behavior, exercise, and if none of that works, there are books, movies, crafts, good quotes and anything else. Think of what has helped before and that may just change your mind.

Was your SI thoughts always a replacement for suicidal thoughts or actions? If so, then there is something else that is tying them together, and professional help is the best answer. Writing can help as well but it will take work, hard work.

Life is hard work! Never give up!

[ThisWayOut]

I'm sorry you are struggling with so much right now. I can't say that I agree you should return to self injury, but I have been where you are and have made the decision myself to return to it as the "lesser of 2 evils". It gives me a chance to find other coping skills and work on things with my t... I recently (like maybe 1 week ago) stopped again, but only because none of it feels effective (not that, not the thought of suicide, nothing). I am also terrified of winding up inpatient because of it...
I think if you have the resources to reach out to, it would be a good idea to have that conversation with your t. Many times I have prefaced a statement with "I'm not exactly sure how to say this, but I will say what I know how to say and you need to help me figure out how to say what I mean to say"... For me, that generally translated to my T knowing I'm about to disclose suicidal thinking, but need to talk about it. Then we go from there.