[NoddaProbBob]

It seems like I just keep upping the ante when it comes to self harm.

After graduating from cutting to burning, I really tried to get things under control and I stopped self harm all together. I haven't cut in 151 days and I haven't burned for about a year. For whatever reason, I lost it yesterday and was feeling horrible. I keep a multipurpose tool (it's like a knife, pliers, screwdriver pocketknife thing) in my car and instead of using it to cut, I tried to break my fingers. When folded up it's rather heavy. It's made of a durable stainless steel. So I just kept it folded and started hammering away at my fingers. It hurt so bad but it felt so good...

I felt myself getting to this dangerous place and I eventually stopped. The more I hammered away at my fingers the less pain I felt and the better I felt. But I was getting to this dangerous place where I knew had I kept going I was truly going to break them. I realized I didn't have an excuse for how I would have broken them so I just quit.

I'm so frustrated with myself. I just wish the urges would go away and that all of this would be done. I think I hate self harm just as much as I love it.

Sigh.

[ThisWayOut]

There must be a lot going on to bring it back after so long. Ares you in therapy? Or do you have someone supportive you could talk to about this outside of pc? I'm glad you were able to stop yourself before it got too serious.

[TheWell]

Start from day one again. I totally understand where you are coming from.
((((Hugs)))))

[NoddaProbBob]

Originally Posted by ThisWayOut

There must be a lot going on to bring it back after so long. Ares you in therapy? Or do you have someone supportive you could talk to about this outside of pc? I'm glad you were able to stop yourself before it got too serious.

Yes, I have a T but I won't see her for a couple of weeks. I was thinking of calling to talk to her but I don't know. I think I'm just overwhelmed. There's so much going on right now. I am tired of how I'm living and I have just been bottling up everything. I just want everything to go away.

[NoddaProbBob]

Originally Posted by TheWell

Start from day one again. I totally understand where you are coming from.
((((Hugs)))))

Thanks so much
I'm probably not going to reset the cutting counter. I have a count going for each individual way I've hurt myself. So I think I just need to start a new counter for this.

[jazzbella18]

I am glad that you were able to stop yourself. I think that it may be a good idea to contact your T. I mean it will not hurt. If you have a lot going on right now, maybe you just need to talk to someone about it for a bit. Best Wishes.

[ThisWayOut]

I second contacting your t. There's nothing wrong in asking for more support when you are overwhelmed. It's good self care.

[NoddaProbBob]

Thanks for the replies everyone. I was thinking about calling but I don't know where to start. Plus, she's kind of hard to get ahold of so I'm not sure if it's worth trying to reach her.

[NoddaProbBob]

Don't know why I even bother anymore. I called her and she sounded interested, but the only advice she had for me was to use the coping skills. She said she wished she had a magic wand to make it all go away and be better, but that I just had to use my coping skills.

**** it. And **** the coping skills