[ThisWayOut]

My t wants me to track my si. She wants me to track the times, since most days I do it several times a day. In tracking though, I've found it's got an ebb and flow to it. I can go for days or weeks with several times a day, then I hit a lull and I do not do it for a few days. Eventually I'm back at it again multiple times a day.
Does this happen to anyone else? Does length of history with si impact this possibly? I've been doing it for over 20 years. I'm pretty sure I don't remember this pattern at the beginning of my history with it, but I'm not sure if this is really recent (the last few months) or more of just in the last few years? I do know I've admitted this past year that I do not want to give up my si at this time. The only thing that has gotten me to stop in the past has been outside consequences. This time around, it's not feeling the overwhelming need to do it every day, it's more internal stimuli stopping it. Does this mean I'm on my way to giving it up for good? (That may or may not be exciting, I have not decided yet)
If you notice a similar pattern to your si, how long have you been doing it? Has your attitude around si recently changed? Has the internal push to stop si become more prominent for you if this happened?
I'm just trying to figure out where to go with this. I'm sure t and I will be taking about it in the future, but till then, I'd like some other perspectives. Thanks in advance!

[CANDC]

I have tried hurting myself but it feels so unnatural to me. I have a feeling of remorse. This innocent body is being hurt by my willfulness. I just don't see how it helps. What about pounding a pillow. What about digging a 2 foot deep hole in the backyard and then filling it in. What about trying to help other people?
Just my thoughts. Hope you find peace with your own.

I relate a lot. I can go for ages and ages without doing it (March-August was my longest stretch) and then suddenly I do it, and do it really badly over and over again several times a day.