[alk2601]

Trigger warning for anyone who cuts or suffers from an eating disorder.

It has been several years since I've cut, and I honestly have only had a handful of urges since then. I thought I was over it for good this time. But today the urges are so strong, they just came out of nowhere. I feel more depressed than usual today for no reason. Why is it that self-harm is always the first thing I crave for relief when I'm depressed? I'm past the point where I have many negative thoughts about myself, which is what I thought was fueling my cutting behaviors before, yet this urge to cut is still so strong.

Also, it's not just cutting. I have had issues off and on with eating since I was a teenager (I'm in my late 20's), but never enough to actually be classified as an eating disorder. It's more that I just like the idea of hurting myself. When I make myself vomit my meals until I'm throwing up blood, or when I go on starvation binges, it's more that I get off on the fact that I'm causing myself pain than simply a desire to lose weight. I am currently struggling with a drug and alcohol problem also, and I've been taking a certain drug that helps curb my appetite just because I like the unhealthy, emaciated look it gives me.

I don't understand this about me. There is nothing logical about my current urges for self-harm, yet I can't seem to talk myself through this urge (and because it has been so long since I've cut, I don't have any nice, sharp razorblades to use. Damn).

[Crazy Hitch]

You "like" it because it causes your body to produce temporary hormones like a natural high temporarily relieving your inner turmoil. You've thought about it on and off but you've come this far without hurting yourself. What sorts of things do you do to help you feel better? A nice hot bath? A walk? Reading a magazine? We all have different things. Find that something you can use when you are going through urges and have it planned in advance so that you know when you feel like doing x you're going to do y.

You're punishing yourself and I'm not sure what the underlying reason is. You'd have to think about your sense of self worth and identity and what incidences, from childhood, school and adulthood have caused you to form your identity. Then think of arguments against it.

"Not enough to be classified as having an eating disorder" - that's a myth - you have one even if you've never officially been told that. Have you got any circumstances going on making you feel the need to punish yourself? Do you know what your triggers are?

Be well and know that you can work through this.

[i dont matter]

I can not speak for certain why you do this.... but I think most of us who do our form of self harm is linked to a disdain of ourselves......

It is very hard to learn to love yourself. I know that I still have not and doubt that it is possible.

Good luck to you.

[utellmewhat]

How do u deal with u. I hate me if i wasn't such a tit i would done be dead but i cant pull the tragger. Plz tell me how i am supposed to like me when i am the reason i have nothing cause life is my prison and i am my own worst enemy