[Erro]

I have been trying very hard not to cut myself.

But I am finding that when I do not do so I quickly begin to lose my control.
I can feel myself fading away and these thoughts keep getting louder.
I cant shut them up without the blood.

I am afraid to try and stop because when I do begin again, the wounds are
deeper each time.
It's as though I am outside of myself attacking a puppet when I don't cut at the first sign of these thoughts that invade my mind.

And when I'm done

Possible trigger:

with the blade and the can see the blood drip to the floor.

It's all quite.
It's just me again.

I don't want to die.
But if I stop. I am afraid I will lose this battle.

I've tried to seek help before, but it seems that part of me doesn't want it.
That part somehow convinces me to turn back.

Please advise.

[Ad Intra]

There has to be something deeper that is making you do this. Nevertheless, you could benefit from mindfulness. When I'm stuck in those thoughts too I'll eat something spicy or sour. I may listen to fast, loud music. However none of this will work if I'm not in therapy. I just use mindfulness to augment the help.

[Erro]

Thank you for the advice Ad Intra.
I have found that I can distract myself as well.
But my distractions only seem to work for the time that I am doing them and then
I return to the same state when I stop.

I will look into mindfulness.

[Ad Intra]

Ya, that's one catch about mindfulness. It helps in the moment, but not too much after the fact. This is why I said I have to use it to augment therapy. More long-term, self-soothing techniques I use get me through the night but they are hardly a cure.

Please do seek help. Whats the worst that could happen?

[Erro]

That is why I have come here and written of this 8888an8888.

I do desire to seek out assistance.
Though I am as of yet unable to force my own body across the threshold.

I seek what lies in your signature line.
I wish to find that which I may hold in my mind that will give me the resolve to do so of my own accord.