[ComingBackDown]

I don't know if this is the right place to post this or not. But sooner or later I think I'll end up with suicide if I can't figure out what to do.

I'll try to make this as simple as possible and might end up being a little long, so I apologize in advance.

Since about twelve after having a falling out with my parents I've lived off the streets, in a way. I always roomed with friends or did drastic things like sleep in stores if my parents wouldn't take me in or I couldn't crash with my friends. I had no allowance so I always ended up stealing my food from stores or fast food places since my parents never really had any of their own when I was with them. At first I was pretty depressed in life and started to not mind it cause I just thought that's how my life was going to be. I made a clique with several cool people while skating and we've been all pretty tight until up-to a year ago.

I never done drugs except some weed now and then plus the occasional vodka or beers on the weekends at parties. At about seventeen this one dude I was chilling with had oxy's and offered some. So we snorted it up and I fell in love. All my troubles went away when high and became slightly addicted. After that ran out I went to heroin about a year ago (the bags, not needles). Overtime I slowly started realizing that's when my life starting falling apart. I stopped caring about what was around me, starting loosing my friends, and lost employment. Once I lost my job I totally became a different person. I went to completely depending on the streets hustling money to feed myself when I didn't have food and to buy heroin. I think when I realized I finally lost all my friends I had for years and was the last one standing is when my world really crashed on me, like literally. I went into deep depression and anxiety for months and just felt disconnected from the world, like DP or something it's called.

I finally managed to pull my life together, got another job, managed to stop heroin for awhile, and start saving for school. Sadly school took up all my time and that job let me go. I was pretty pissed since I didn't really have any money coming in, so I once again went back to dope. Obviously it made me lazy and I lacked outta school like it was nothing and got kicked out. Once again I was living off the streets hustling to stay alive. Until my grandparents let me stay with them after breaking down in front of them.

So I started living outside of the city with my grandparents. A nice bed, food whenever, and a dope free life. But as I look back on my history I become more and more depressed and angry with myself for being such a failure. I lost all my friends for acting like a total ****** towards everyone, spent every dollar I had on food and dope, and couldn't ever hold up a job or stay in school. It's like regardless what I do everything goes back down the sh*tter and I think it's made me even a colder person. Like I could careless about anyone's feelings, I revolve around lying to myself to stay happy so I don't end up harming or killing myself, and generally have this empty feeling inside of me. I go through mood swings from being happy to being extremely depressed. I am currently trying to find work to send myself back to school but I have no luck. So nowadays I just skate around trying to keep myself entertained and try to make everything seem like it's nothing.

So I need advice. I need advice on how to stop feeling so empty, how to become sympathetic / feel again, how to get my friends back (that all think I am psycho cause of the drugs), and I need to know what's really wrong with me (as far as disorders go). I am so tired of feeling stuck regardless how much I try lying to myself because I fear the one day will come when I am no longer able to lie to myself anymore and I realize maybe my ****ed up life just really was a mistake.

thanks

[FallingTears]

Originally Posted by ComingBackDown

I don't know if this is the right place to post this or not. But sooner or later I think I'll end up with suicide if I can't figure out what to do.

I'll try to make this as simple as possible and might end up being a little long, so I apologize in advance.

Since about twelve after having a falling out with my parents I've lived off the streets, in a way. I always roomed with friends or did drastic things like sleep in stores if my parents wouldn't take me in or I couldn't crash with my friends. I had no allowance so I always ended up stealing my food from stores or fast food places since my parents never really had any of their own when I was with them. At first I was pretty depressed in life and started to not mind it cause I just thought that's how my life was going to be. I made a clique with several cool people while skating and we've been all pretty tight until up-to a year ago.

I never done drugs except some weed now and then plus the occasional vodka or beers on the weekends at parties. At about seventeen this one dude I was chilling with had oxy's and offered some. So we snorted it up and I fell in love. All my troubles went away when high and became slightly addicted. After that ran out I went to heroin about a year ago (the bags, not needles). Overtime I slowly started realizing that's when my life starting falling apart. I stopped caring about what was around me, starting loosing my friends, and lost employment. Once I lost my job I totally became a different person. I went to completely depending on the streets hustling money to feed myself when I didn't have food and to buy heroin. I think when I realized I finally lost all my friends I had for years and was the last one standing is when my world really crashed on me, like literally. I went into deep depression and anxiety for months and just felt disconnected from the world, like DP or something it's called.

I finally managed to pull my life together, got another job, managed to stop heroin for awhile, and start saving for school. Sadly school took up all my time and that job let me go. I was pretty pissed since I didn't really have any money coming in, so I once again went back to dope. Obviously it made me lazy and I lacked outta school like it was nothing and got kicked out. Once again I was living off the streets hustling to stay alive. Until my grandparents let me stay with them after breaking down in front of them.

So I started living outside of the city with my grandparents. A nice bed, food whenever, and a dope free life. But as I look back on my history I become more and more depressed and angry with myself for being such a failure. I lost all my friends for acting like a total ****** towards everyone, spent every dollar I had on food and dope, and couldn't ever hold up a job or stay in school. It's like regardless what I do everything goes back down the sh*tter and I think it's made me even a colder person. Like I could careless about anyone's feelings, I revolve around lying to myself to stay happy so I don't end up harming or killing myself, and generally have this empty feeling inside of me. I go through mood swings from being happy to being extremely depressed. I am currently trying to find work to send myself back to school but I have no luck. So nowadays I just skate around trying to keep myself entertained and try to make everything seem like it's nothing.

So I need advice. I need advice on how to stop feeling so empty, how to become sympathetic / feel again, how to get my friends back (that all think I am psycho cause of the drugs), and I need to know what's really wrong with me (as far as disorders go). I am so tired of feeling stuck regardless how much I try lying to myself because I fear the one day will come when I am no longer able to lie to myself anymore and I realize maybe my ****ed up life just really was a mistake.

thanks

Wow Coming Back Down

That's a pretty amazing story!

As I am no doctor, I can't diagnose you but firstly you're an amazing survivor and secondly no wonder u feel a bit pi**ed about how your life has been so far!

You could put this post in "depression" but i'm glad u put it here so I could read it.

Can u get into a therapy program somewhere? Go to a medical doctor and ask for help/ referral with depression/suicidal thoughts?

I think yr way too tough to need to kill yourself. You just need some serious help right now. I reckon you have a right to sit in a therapist's office and get angry and sad about your family life (or lack thereof) and I'm sure there are aspects of living on the streets that haunt you!

A good therapist can help you develop a better more stable life and learn ways of coping with all the issues that are making you feel so desperate. There's a bunch of stuff on here on how to choose one that's right for you.

I think everyone has regrets in life. I have many. You have to learn to focus on the future. (I know - easier said than done. If only I could actually follow my own advice!) But - You seem to have some goals for yourself like getting back to school and trying to recover yr friends so that's a start...

I'm really sorry you have had such a tough life so far. I hope you find other people's stories and support here helpful, and that the resources on this website help you find yr way back to good mental health!

Good luck

Falling Tears

i would recommend you seeing a therapist. in the meantime, you're strong for coming through all of this. keep fighting