[troubledteen19]

I've been clean for about 8 months now. Yeah, I've had urges every now and then but I've managed to suppress them. You know, distract myself, keep busy and surround myself with people I love. I've managed to stay strong for quite a while but I've started getting those urges to tear my skin apart and watch myself bleed like I deserve to. I don't know, these urges are stronger than before and it's all that I can think about and I'm running out of ways and reasons not to do it.

I'm sorry you're struggling. Congrats on making it to 8 months! That's a real accomplishment.

[troubledteen19]

Thanks Breadfish. It means a lot
I've just been staring at the blade in my hand for the past hour. I didn't do it. I don't know if I'll be able to stop myself next time..

[Lonesome90]

I'm not the best person to be giving out advice but my sister used to self harm too. When I found out, I didn't confront her. I waited for her to come to me and surprisingly enough, she did. And thats the best thing she's done for herself. She talked to me and even though it didn't seem like it then, she now knows how helpful that was. She's 3 years clean now You can do it too. I'm here if you need someone to talk to!

[Frankbtl]

Hi troubledteen, just something that really jumped out to me........."urges to tear my skin apart and watch myself bleed like I deserve to".
Is there anything/s that make you think you deserve it you want to talk about??
Naturally I'm going to say.........you absolutely don't deserve this whatever the feelings/situation..........but I know those feelings can be very real as well, so if you want to talk more.............

But for right now...........you are doing so well in trying to fight off those urges
Maybe you can increase those distractions, or change them or even mix some up?? Maybe you could get a bit more support from those people around you?? Maybe you could have a reward system for days you don't give into those urges?? Maybe you could do some real physical activities?? Maybe you could try mindfulness or some breathing/grounding techniques/exercises??
Just some ideas.............

And to finish...........I've really got to say a MASSIVE WELL DONE on the 8 months clean!!! Fantastic achievement!!!

Alison

Glad u came on line here first. 8 months that's a long time. Great job 🎉. Mind sharing how u made it so long?

[troubledteen19]

@frankbtl I don't know why I feel like I deserve it. I guess that was the part of me that hates myself talking. All the self hate and constant thoughts of what's wrong with me just make me feel like I'm not worthy of being loved or cared for. I just blame myself for everything that goes wrong in my life and I feel like I deserve to be treated badly
But yeah, I'll keep trying to stay busy and keep myself distracted. Thanks for the ideas I'll try those out! I'm probably going to start going to the gym soon so that might be somewhat helpful.
But I don't think the reward system would work out tok great because I don't exactly think I've achieved something. Like, it's something I shouldn't be doing in the first place. So not doing it is the least I can do, if that makes any sense
But thank you so much, it feels really good to be appreciated sometimes and thank you for taking out time to reply. It means a lot

[troubledteen19]

@cavaliers Thank you yeah, I hadnt visited pc for quite a while but it's the first thing I did when I was so close to SH-ing again
I just did what I mentioned earlier. First, I had to accept that self harm wasn't the answer and even though I thought it was making me feel better, it didn't. It wasn't helping anything. Admitting that took a while but after that, I got rid of all of my blades and just made a list of people that are very important to me and decided that if I wasn't going to stop to help myself, I'd stop for them. I surrounded myself with people that cared and even this website helped quite a bit. I've met really nice people here. I distracted myself by trying new things like art which I was surprised to find out that I'm not too bad at! So yeah. It got easier after the first few months. I had the urges but I had to fight them off just like I do now and hope to continue doing
Wow, your question really did remind me how I stopped in the first place and honestly, I don't want to start again. Thank you for helping me realise that

[Frankbtl]

Hi troubledteen,

I don't know why I feel like I deserve it. I guess that was the part of me that hates myself talking. All the self hate and constant thoughts of what's wrong with me just make me feel like I'm not worthy of being loved or cared for. I just blame myself for everything that goes wrong in my life and I feel like I deserve to be treated badly.............
Maybe time to instead think about all the things right with you??
And technically we all have things wrong with us from someone's perspective but they don't necessarily have to be termed as "wrong" they can maybe be more human characteristics..........you know the saying no-one's perfect (however well they may hide things!!)..........other "imperfections" can also carry positives e.g. being more understanding towards others.
Some "imperfections" we might be able to work on (sometimes it might take time but......) but with those and with "imperfections" we can't change.......well that isn't all there is about us, not in the slightest!!! There can be so much more, and much more important things.
So if you can (and need to!!) change things great, and we're behind you, but regardless and for other stuff.........well there is more to you

But I don't think the reward system would work out to great because I don't exactly think I've achieved something. Like, it's something I shouldn't be doing in the first place. So not doing it is the least I can do, if that makes any sense
And yes, it makes sense how you might feel like that
But I'm glad you've come to the right place- here!!!
Because there are going to be plenty of people here who agree.......that it can be a massive achievement not to...........when the urges hit...........
And it, has been a big successful coping mechanism in the past when things have been hard, when you've "had nothing else".........so it makes absolute sense that sometimes instinctively you might "crave" that............
Nevermind (!!), how addictive it can be, even after stopping!!!
But you've done 8 months, so you DO deserve massive kudos for that!!!
If you can hang in there it can gradually get easier........the urges less frequent.......less intense........sometimes only very fleetingly.........for some people they can vanish.............
So yes, regardless you've done GREAT!!! And whenever you're holding off.........you're doing GREAT!!!



Alison

[Bill3]

Well done, troubledteen19! Eight months is excellent!

I wonder if something specific is going on in your life that might explain or contribute to the renewed urges.

What sort(s) of art did you discover yourself to be good at?

Hang in there!

[troubledteen19]

@Bill3 Thank you so much
There's isn't one specific thing as such but various factors that keep me on edge and I'm like always stressed and afraid to disappoint and just really don't like the person that I am. I beat myself up over things that might not even me my fault because in my head, I'm always the one messing up
Haha I just tried my hand sketching for a while and it was pretty fun and relaxing I haven't found the time to do it recently
Once again, thanks for the support!

[troubledteen19]

@Frankbtl I'll try doing that, focusing on my plus points. It's just so difficult when the flaws are so prominent, practically screaming at me. But I don't think there is more to me. I'm just a bunch of flaws somehow made into a person
Thank you for the appreciation. It really boosted my confidence
I really hope they vanish soon! But until then, I know I can always come here and talk to amazing people like you!
Thank you all so much

[Bill3]

I'm like always stressed and afraid to disappoint

Who are you afraid to disappoint?