I've cut just a little- how do I keep myself from going down this road?

I've been grappling with wanting to hurt myself off and on through my whole life but have hardly acted on it until this past year. I'm 28. In the past year, I have been hospitalized three times, twice for wanting to overdose and once for actually taking an overdose. I called for help all times. It seems as soon as I decide not to do one thing to hurt myself, I come up with something else. This is so hard to understand because I've always been a perfectionist strait-A student and I am very successful in a very competitive career. I've got great friends, great hobbies... I have so many things going for me - so why do I do this?

But I digress. So about a year ago I had a couple episodes where I scratched at my wrists with blunt knives but didn't draw blood. A couple months ago, I was in a stressful situation. I was thinking about it at home, and before I knew it, I took a razor out and did one quick cut across my wrist. When I saw the blood I started freaking out, almost like I didn't know what had happened, like someone else had done this to me. I was crying and washing myself. It was a small cut but it scared me... but it also made me feel good because it was a physical expression of how torn up I felt inside.

So my question is this. I know this is not a good road to get started on. Right now I feel fine, but how do I avoid this the next time I get really distressed? I seem to always resort to either wanting to kill myself, wanting to injure myself or not eating. I am seeing a therapist and working on things but when push comes to shove, this is where I end up. Any advice from those who understand this better?

First - Welcome to PC!

I think you will find that a lot of us trade one thing for another...the hope is that the trade is a healthier direction. I know that when hard times come around healthier is not our first choice.

On the external everything seems to be fine - I've felt that before - generally doesn't seem real to me when this happens as inside I feel so much pain.

I think a emergency support list can be helpful - key people that can come over or you go over. I have one and only one person that knows all...I have an open invitation to drive to this persons house anytime day or night whether I'm in need or not.

Something to think about...

Augustana, that sounds very much like how I got started too. It's better if you can stop now, and I'm glad to read that you are working with a therapist. Wanting to hurt yourself in any way means that you have emotions that you aren't dealing with effectively and you're avoiding them. See if you can find out what those feelings are, and learn a way to address them in a way that you will feel better about. You can also examine what you are getting out of hurting yourself (it may be more than one thing, but I'll guarantee it is something) and find other ways to get whatever it is that you are needing. I know it's not so easy, but it will be easier now than after you have settled in to this habit.

TC,
Rap