Why do you SI?

I had a realization once that revealed more of the after-effects that SI has on me than I had previously been aware of... but not until immediately after a self-injury.
All I knew when I was younger was that SI brought me relief.
The realization that I had was that it also made me feel like I had just as much right to exist as everyone else does.
I did not write this thread for help or advice for myself so please don't offer me any as it would be a huge trigger for me.
I am writing this thread in hopes that It may be able to help someone to prevent from acting on their urges to self-injure.
I self-injure because I have not yet resolved childhood abuse issues and I trigger easily.
I think maybe if one thinks back and tries to remember in detail the after-effects on their minds from self-injury actions that they might be able to address more underlying causes of their urges to SI than they had previously been aware of.

Punishment and Relief. Sometimes I feel like dobbie from harry potter. If I've done or said the wrong thing, I feel such a strong urge to sh. Other times it's out of anger, which I don't know how to express so I take it out on myself. It brings relief from feelings I don't know how to communicate to others.

Because of the illusion that it'll make me feel better. In my mind, it's like bloodletting.

Or because I feel something so strongly that I want to see it also - so I cut the words into my skin.

I do appreciate the responses in this thread.
I do read it because I'm interested in why other people SI.

But those "hugs" and "thanks for this!" things are hard (for me anyway) because it is hard for me to tell exactly what I'm being "hugged" and "thanked" for and they often are yet another trigger.
So I am going to stop "hugging" and "thanking" posts that may appear on this thread.

Hugs and thanks removed! Sorry about that...

Oddly enough, Lonesome Tonight, when you did the "hugs", "thanks" things on the OP it made me feel better.
What I wanted to convey was that I don't want to do the "hugs" and "thanks" things on anyone else's posts because I fear they might be triggers for other people too.
Hmmm... should I "hugs" and "thanks" you for this post... (Well, I just said I wouldn't)...

There is a particular "thanks for this!" on one of my posts from quite some time ago that still evokes paranoia in me. That's when it came to mind that the "hugs" and "thanks for this!" might in some cases do the same thing to someone else. Also, however, (less so recently) if no one thanks me or hugs me for some posts it feels like no one cared.
Your hugs and thanks to my OP actually resulted in happiness that someone took the time to read it and it seems this person actually might be a caring person too.
I hope you read this, Lonesome!
I think the phrase 'double-edged sword' might be a shorter way to put that, but I'm not positive what that means.

I SI when I am numb to make me feel alive again. I also do it when I am angry and don't know how to let it out. Right now I am fighting urges and I don't know why. I think it is because I'm "too" stable. My meds make me feel dissociated and that is triggering me. I think that is the reason, I'm not sure.

ive SId since a young toddler.
i am prescribed padded helmets on the NHS partly for the SI and partly for epilepsy.
i have had many brain injuries caused by serious head banging without helmets and have even demolished a wall with my head in one residential home i used to live in.
i bang my head when i get frustrated because i cant communicate something or someone is putting words into my mouth,i also bang my head out of sensory seeking;ie i love the feeling it causes.
many times of the day i will involuntarily cluster punch my head but luckily i have been getting myself into a habit of wearing the helmet more,it causes itching so it puts me off.
im left with chronic pain.

i also cut,ive scratched myself since a toddler and fully cut myself since 19, i only cut left arm and left leg and i have no feeling left in my arm.
i cut because i cant cope with the inside feelings i feel,or i have become extremely upset,i also cut because i have no pain threshold and it gives me a sense of feeling.
i havent cut in a long time,and all the scarring and hypertrophic scarring is getting better,i wanted a tattoo on that arm to stop me looking at the scars but the tattooist said its to raised and rough but recommended using bio oil to get it better.

mainly because I hate everything about myself and my life, I hate how everything for me has turned out,hate that no one really cares, hate my constant thoughts, my constant anxiety, it's just 1 big release for me

sad thing is I know it's rong, and I know I rely on it far too much.

but can't help it

for me it's like the only way to keep going if that makes sense

nothing else I can think of can give me the same relief