[lenjan]

So, I did it.

I couldn't take it anymore, I withstood as much as I could of wanting badly to cut but finding other things to do instead.

I had a really, really bad night Saturday. I live half a mile from Lake Michigan, and although it was dark and I was safely in my apartment, all that kept running through my mind was an image of me standing at the water's edge, looking out into the vastness, and how incredibly alone I felt. I still do, kind of. I know I have friends, but I just lost a bunch recently and it's still bugging me. I just got to feeling swallowed up in the dark void, empty, and I wanted to FEEL something, you know? Something besides the empty black hole that lives in me.

I have to go to therapy Tuesday and confess to my therapist, who has put his heart and soul into getting me not to cut. I couldn't care less about myself, but I feel horrible for letting him down. I kind of let myself down too, I guess -- this is the first time in months, maybe a year, I've lost track, that I've done this. I knew that it would never be over, that I would always consider it as a first resort instead of a last, but up until this weekend I've been able to find healthier coping methods. Actually, Saturday the first thing I thought of was journaling, but decided not to bother and just give in to what I've been wanting to do for months now.

I feel like a totally lame, weak, nothing.

Candy

<i>There used to be a real me, but I had it surgically removed. -- Peter Sellers</i>

[Rapunzel]

{{{{{{{{{{Candy}}}}}}}}}}}}

So you had a set-back. You still had maybe a year that you didn't give in, and that is a great victory! You can do it again, and maybe next time it will be even longer. It's not to late to journal about your feelings, learn from this, and use it to get better.

Wendy

<font color=orange>"If we are going to insist that people pull themselves up by their own bootstraps, we must ensure that they have boots."</font color=orange>

[Zenobia]

Old habits die hard. But you did think of journaling. That is awesome. And a year under your belt is fantastic. You have something to be proud of and you have experience under your belt so when you go into you therapist and tell him about this you can hold your head up high and take credit for what you did accomplish. A YEAR! Then you and he can work on what caused this to happen this time. It will be easier because you have eliminated so many things that made you cut before. You have learned to deal with hundreds of little triggers that before caused you to spiral down. Now you get to eliminate one more trigger with the help of a therapist that is dedicated to helping you get well. Once you work through this trigger, who knows, maybe you will go two years before you hit another insurmountable trigger and need that kind of help again.
Carrie

<font color=green>But the implicit and usually unconscious bargain we make with ourselves is that, yes, we want to be healed, we want to be made whole, we're willing to go some distance, but we're not willing to question the fundamental assumptions upon which our way of life has been built, both personally and societally.--Bill Plotkin, Soulcraft