i want to hurt myself bad ++trigger++

i've been scratching my arm for about a week now

i want to <font color="red"> HURT </font> myself worse!!!!

i don't feel ANYTHING right now

my cat died last week

next week i'm either going to get fired or reprimanded bad

i have an appt with a therapist wednesday

i haven't been to a therapist in over a decade

i <font color="yellow"> HATE </font> that i'm going

i'm going because my boss is impossible and i'm sooooooooooo STRESSED at work

but i'm gonna get fired soon and then won't have insurance and won't be able to pay the bills

i've thought about <font color="red"> burning </font> down the place where i work!!! i wouldn't....but it's fun to think about

i don't feel anything right now

nothing....nothing....nothing....nothing..........................

what if i go to the therapist wednesday and she doesn't take me seriously and she thinks i should just deal with my boss & my work stress??

what other option is there? just deal with it....

WELL I OBVIOUSLY CAN"T.............blah...............................................................................................................................................................blah.........

i want to <font color="red"> burn </font> myself...i used to <font color="red"> burn </font> myself with my curling iron (to clumsy to do my hair with it....had to use it for something, right!)

burning really hurts though...scratching doesn't - just makes an ugly on my arm

(((((((((((((((((((((gostryter)))))))))))))))))))))))))) I am sorry things are so hard for you. I am glad you are seeing a t on Wednesday. Maybe they can help you come up with some ideas for work? Please try and be safe. You are not alone.

BB

candles burn
music plays
flirting with pleasure
finding pain
cold steel
bare flesh
increasing heat
burning desire
heart pounding
deep breathing
seering flesh
climaxing agony
quiet
watchful
blissfully birthing
bashful blisters
pain

with all that you'd think i'd feel something....still nothing...was nice for a moment....fleeting....guess maybe that's what sex is like?

no laughing. no crying. how can i burn my arm and be completely unaffected???? what kind of freak am i????

((((hugs bipolar bear)))) thanks for checking in with me!

ouch....

who's dumb idea was that?

(((((HUG)))))

Here is a list of things that helped me.

When my kitty died I wrote a list of the good times we spent togeather and made a small memorial. (May be a trigger to some though)

Deep breathing

Help someone else. Volunteer at a hospital maybe.

At really bad points dump a bunch of coins on floor and flip them to all heads or tails, or sort them by years.

Make collages of your feelings or anything you want with old newspaper and magazines. (Use childrens saftey sizzors though)

Journal about good things that have happened. Or accomplishments in your treatment you have made. Don't write about or dwell on bad stuff in journal. If you know someone on livejournal.com that has a invite to share ask them to invite you there. (I don't have any more or I would invite you.)

Paint, Paint and Paint. Paint your feelings. It don't have to look like anything.

Go on a long walk and count your footsteps until you get back. If something comes in and you loose count- Oh Well- Just start again. The point is to keep you distracted as much as possible.

Clean and concentrate on details. (Kinda weird but it worked for me)

Lay down in a dark room and imagine a room. It does not have to be a room in your home. Picture in your head every detail of the room.

Do deep breathing with a twist. I breath in while thinking I am, and breath out thinking OK. You can put what ever helful phrase you want though.

Hope some of these help. Just remember that these will not totally fix the problem or make you feel nice and bubbly inside. But if they get you through a bad moment then they were successful. (Sorry about my spelling)

(((((gostryter))))

I'm so sorry you're hurting. You are making the right choice to see a T. Please think of calling a crisis line the next time you feel the urge. Just talking it out can help sometimes. It almost doesn't matter what the person on the end of the line says. Just vocalizing your feelings can disapate enough of the pain to enable you to get through without burning.

We're here for you.

Hugs,

Loth

thanks bipolar bear, twirls and loth

i can't sleep now cause the pain. little sick to my stomach

i'm so scared the T won't see the fear and pain

i'm scared i'm gonna be fired soon and not have money to pay bills or pay for help

i was able to keep it well enough together for years...but i feel like everything is falling apart

sad now...

((((gostryter)))) hang on hon. I know how it feels when things seem to be falling in. Try, if you can, to breath and know this will pass. You have a job at the moment so try to not worry about what hasn't happened yet and focus on you.

Don't feel you have to SI to "show" your pain, we know you hurt but tell your T about it. Don't rely on SI to speak for you. I can tell you want help, so ask for it. You will find your strength.

Hugs,

Loth

sorry...gonna kinda ramble...don't bother reading this one....

i can't sleep cause the pain so i'll type

my arm feels like there are a bunch of little cenitpedes wearing ice skates with razors for blades skating along on my arm.

it had been a looong time since i burned myself...forgot how freak'n much it hurts

making good use of the bags of frozen brocolli though!

strange....i feel so totally normal one minute...then i think of the fact that i can do something like scratch, cut, burn myself?? that's not normal is it

on the one hand i could describe myself and my life and you'd think i was completely together...on the other, i'm a nut

i don't know if i have a problem or not...

i want to go out on short term disability...my company has that...but then i think am i just being lazy, not wanting to deal with my boss (think 'the devil wears prada')

of course if i'm fired next week won't have to deal wiht her

i don't know im tired of feeling so incompetent

i want someone to help me ...i think i need help?

i feel stupid

why can't i keep it together

sorry if anyone bothered reading this ...its after 2am and i'm grumpy and sleepy but can't sleep

i hope if some one does read this that you are in a happier place than i am

thnx loth

i do have enormous difficutly talking...i think maybe thats why i;ve been si lately..i'm afraid i won't be able to tell anyone how bad i feel

loth your comments help - thank you

I wish I could jump to the computer screen and give you a real hug. ((((((((((((((HUG)))))))))))))))
I don't know how long you have been struggling with SI. Have you ever considered applying for Social Security? If you have been bad off for a while it may be something considering.

Also if you can't work There are places that will help with most bills (utility, rent, morgage) Some places to try:

Salvation Army (Utilities, Food, Rent or Morgage)
Catholic cherities (Utilities, Medications, Medical Bills, Rent, Morgage, and Food)
Job and Family Services ( Rent, Food, Medical, Cash Assistance,)
United Way( Not sure but worth trying)
Local Churches usually help with food and meals

If you rent sign up for metro housing if you are not already on it. (Wait List where I live)

Both elec. and gas companies have budgets, but try signing up for pipp It makes your bills based on income.

The phone companies have something called lifeline. If you have a medical condition they can't turn off your phone. Your condition qualifies. It will lower your bill low.

Hope this gives you some peace of mind.

hi twirls01 ~ thank you for your posts!!!!!

it definitely helps ease the panic feeling to think that maybe there are ways of helping ease some expenses!!!!

never thought of SS till recently - fear of losing my job has made me think...especially if i take a turn for the worse.

i've actually been suffering with SI....to be honest i can't really remember when i first started - i know by 12 or 13 i was cutting - add to that over the years ....well maybe shouldn't list all the ways..

i stopped for the most part after college...just turned to eating compulsively - seemed more acceptable i guess??

but some issues in my life have just sent me over the edge with the SI....just from what i've done in the past week or so - there's going to be some definite scaring on my left forearm. and if i lose my job - what will keep me from not continuing....what will i care....that's worrying me. i don't want to fall into a downward spiral!!!

thanks for being here twirls!!!! it means a lot!

<font color="#000088">I'm so sorry you're feeling so miserable right now, and so afraid at the same time, it's no wonder you're feeling numb. I've felt the same way before, when you feel that your whole life is crumbling underneath your feet, and you think that there is nothing you can do about it, but watch your life get flipped upside down. It makes you just want to end it all.
But there is something you can do about it, you can talk to someone, like your Therapist, and tell him/her how you feel, and ask for help. Tell them exactly how you are feeling so they can help you, if you are'nt completely honest with them about how you feel, then they won't know what to do to help you. I know how scary it is worrying about losing your income,and not knowing how you're going to pay the bills,because that's your stability, your home,and safety nest,you know? And the fear of losing that can be terrifying, but there are programs that can help you with your bills,if something like that were to happen,and your Therapist should be able to help you incase something happens.

But don't just give up! Fight the fight! I think you can beat this! I started cutting when I was about 9-10 years old,and now I've made it 7 years without cutting,because even when times got rough,and my life did get flipped upside down in 2005 and I lost my home,and my car,and my Dad, but I still kept fighting,and now I have a home again, no car, and ofcourse my Dad's still gone.But I didn't give up, and things turned out in the end. I became a survivor,and so can you! I believe in you! </font>

thank you Justice!!! its encouraging to hear that even though things get bad you can pull through!!

& i'm sorry about your losing your dad! my dad's my best buddy!

<font color="#000088">You're welcome,I've been there,and I know what it feels like,and I don't want to see you give up! And my Dad was my best buddy to!So I really did lose a lot,and still pulled through,and I really believe that you can to!You just need to believe in yourself as well,and I know how hard that is,because I used to think it was impossible,but it's not,you are your own strength,and you can get through this, really!
J</font>

Dear Gostryter,
I've wanted to respond to you and opened up the reply box, started, and then cancelled a few times.
What I want to say sounds strange and could be taken wrong, I havent been here long and I get exited about all the possibilities of communicating with others. I've been in recovery for many years for a certain kind of addiction which is like self harming, but the injury is mental/ emotional/ soul damage, not phyisical (tho it ends up physical potentially anyway).

Did you ever get a chance to go deep with a really understanding person, to get to all the things beneath whats been happening for you?

I wanted to try to set up a website and eventually a fellowship for schizoids, that what I am, but could maybe eventually be one for other pds (or equivalent), as well, that way people could reach out to eachother, like here, but actually work with eachother, like they do in AA.

Maybe we could help eachother, let me know if you'd like to talk more.
Hope your pain is easing, and stay safe!


River.