<font color="#000088"> It always calmed me down,and I've been fighting it for too long.I am fighting too many things right now.The only thing that will actually help me feel better is if I cut!So I give up,that's one fight I'm done with! </font>

[Fuzzybear]

Please be safe

Thinking of you, I know this stinks

[Direction]

That is the way I felt yesterday...If you want to talk about it...I'm here.

<font color="black"> I wanna go home,back to California! My neighbors ambushed me yesterday just for going outside to check my mail,and started yelling at me,saying I came out to harrass them,when I was just checking the damn mail,and throwing the junk mail in my trash can.The landlord came out and yelled at all of us when I didn't do anything wrong.Then later the landlord said that he heard the other tenant threaten me,and said he was sorry for having to yell at me to,but he had to stop the fight before it got out of control.Then today,I find out that the test results on my gallbladder were normal,that means that my being sick for all these 2 1/2 years has gone back to unsolved,other than the COPD,but the illness from the past few months was thought to be my gallbladder,and it's not,so now I have to start all over again with running tests for this and that,while I'm just getting sicker and weaker by the day,when nobody can figure it out,and I can't take all this %#@&#! any more ,all these %#@&#! mormons won't leave me alone! </font>

[Direction]

Sounds like a lot is going on...

By the way not all "M" are that pushy...If you don't want to be bothered I can help with that.

[mlpHolmes]

And cutting is going to vanish all the bad, all the unwanted, ahhhhh if only, are "&amp;%$#*@%&amp;" the magical words that will make everything all better??? Well Justice, not in this universe that I know of, sorry buddy you're stuck with the rest of us but guess what ?? Together were awesome!!! Do I care about you? You better believe I do!!! You're feeling nasty? Do I care?? You better believe I DO!! Will you be in my prayers &amp; thoughts the rest of today &amp; tomorrow &amp; tomorrow &amp; so on! Absolutely!!!! Can I tell you I care so much about you, to please not cut or hurt the precious human being you are. Justice, you are 1 of a kind, and very special in my book.

(((((justice))))))

take care
try to be good to you
ur number 1

<font color="#000088"> I can't handle being in Utah anymore,I know not all Mormons are bad,just most of the Utah one's that were raised here.And that is what I'm surrounded with,hippocracy,my nieghbor threatening to frame me for drugs,when I'm on probation!These cops already are after my brothers for drugs,it wouldn't be to far fetched for them to believe her that some drugs she planted somewhere were mine.But she's already gonna get dealt with,I took care of that!She keeps forgetting that I'm in a real gang out of California,that has ties in Salt Lake City,Utah.She's screwed!She drives to Salt Lake on the weekends!
The other one,she's a cutter to,that is only alive because of her cats,she told me if she didn't have her cat's she would kill herself. Doesn't seem like to hard of a job,to get rid of her.Plus blood triggers her,and I love blood,I could just go over and ask to borrow a bandaid,and the wheel is in motion!

I really don't think I could try to get her to do anything to herself,but when I get mad,my mind starts thinking evil %#@&#!,and I can't control my thought's,but I wouldn't really go over and try to get her to off herself,I'm just venting!!! </font>

[Direction]

I am glad you were able to vent here and wouldn't try to cause harm...Revenge is never a good thing...

Why would your neighbor threaten you like that? Did or Does your brother live with you? Are you using street drugs?

Are you sure belonging to a gang is a good idea?

No,my brothers don't live here,and never have.They're not even allowed in my house because of thier drug activities,and me being on probation.I haven't used drugs for 7 years!Or drank an alcoholic beverage for 7 years!
The gang thing,was when I was a teenager,I was jumped in,in California,once your in,the only way out is death.But I don't usually do gang activity up here in Utah,I just hang with my crew,when I'm in California!I'm an OG,so they respect me!

I don't even have anything on my criminal record that has anything to do with drugs,or paraphanelia,nothing,just a couple speeding tickets.Then 8 years after those tickets,I got in this huge high speed chase because I was having a bad day.No drugs,or alcohol involved,I wasn't trying to hide anything,I just didn't want to talk to them!Now I'm on probation because of that bad day!

[Direction]

It sounds like you have made a lot progress from that bad day...

I have,and my neighbors are pushing me on purpose hoping that I'll snap,and break probation.I have to defend myself under the cops radar.I know how to do that.

[Rapunzel]

Justice, do you have a therapist? I'm in Utah too. I might be able to help you find someone. I've lived just about everywhere by now. PM me if you like.

Thanks for hearing me,I think I will reach out to you,I know I need help!I don't really want to go back to that,I was upset when I posted this!I'm just scared about a lot of things right now!

<font color="#000088">I'm not thinking of cutting right now, I was just really stressed out when I posted this.
Right now I'm so sick of people knocking on my door non-stop!
These 2 guy's came saying thier related to the new guy that moved in downstairs. Then asked if I was the one they spoke to on the phone the other day. I said no,maybe it was the other neighbor that was hanging out with him the other day.
Then they came back and said that he said he got some pain pills from his neighbor,and was wondering if it was me,since my brother sells drugs,and if I have a couple more.I told them it wasn't me that he got anything from,that I don't sell drugs, that my brothers problems aren't mine.
Then the manager comes to the door asking if I'd seen his dog,and I said,yeah,he was just by the mailboxes a minute ago,so he left.But why would the new neighbor that doesn't know me,make it look like he's getting pills off me. I remember the neighbor that's harrassing me said she's going to try to get me busted for selling my pain pills,when I'm not.And she's friends with the guy that just moved in,she knew him before he moved in.I think she's behind all this,these guys coming to my door,how else would they know my brother is a drug dealer,unless she told them.See, this is the kindof harrassment I have to deal with. It's nut's,and I didn't even do anything to this neighbor,it's the one that's manic that's doing this! Not the jealous one! Well they get together sometimes and plan things,thier like kids! Just unnecessary stress! </font>

[Direction]

Glad your thoughts are clearer now...and gosh that is so weird for neighbors to get so caught up in your life when there is probably plenty for them in their own lives...

I'm glad you are keeping a level head through all this...

<font color="#000088"> Well they really don't have anything else to do, but go to thier AA meetings, and since I'm one of the only tenants that isn't an alcoholic,or a recovering alcoholic,and a part of thier AA program. I guess some of them just think I shouldn't be in thier social life. Like being an Alcoholic is something to be proud of,that's the way they act. They used to try to get me to go to thier meetings with them all the time,and I just told them,I had no reason to,because I wasn't an alcoholic,I don't even drink.Even when I did when I was young,it never got out of control,it was at parties with friends.I never became an alcoholic. So there was no point to it,and I didn't want the reputation.People seeing me there and thinking I was an alcoholic,when I was proud of myself for not being one.
But we all have our problems, and if I was going to a CuttersAnonomous meeting,and since thier not cutters,I wouldn't be constantly trying to push it on them.I would respect thier bounderies with the reputation thing!
But AA meetings and events are pretty much all they do,other than shopping,and Dr.s appt.s. Thier both disabled,the ones that harrass me,so it's not like they go to work everyday to give me some time off!The manic one carries a mini recorder around with her now everywhere,hoping she can get me saying something illegal!
I just avoid both of them,all together! </font>

<font color="#000088"> One of the harrassing neighbors,when we were friends, she tried to claim that she was a cutter to,just to try to fit in more with me,and she showed me these really faded scratches on her arms,you could barely even see them. But I asked her what she cut with,and she said she just used her fingernails and scratched herself until it broke the skin,and then she would wait until it would scab up,and pick at the scabs. I couldn't help but laugh,cause I'd never heard of that.And calling herself a cutter over just scratching herself on occasion just made me feel like she was mocking me. When I've never cut to where it didn't need stitches or even staples,so a scratch to me,isn't considered a cut. I told her she was more like a scratcher, than a cutter,and she got mad like she wanted to be a cutter like me. I told her it's not a good thing,or something to be proud of,but if she really wanted to be considered a cutter,then I'll call her a cutter if it would make her feel better. I couldn't believe her,it was nuts! </font>

[Rapunzel]

Scratching was how I started. Well, actually, no - I did other things that didn't leave a permanent mark that I started as a young child, but I have scars from scratching too. In fact, the time that I was put in jail because I scratched my face up severely and was considered a danger to myself, that was all with my fingernails. The first time that I scratched and my skin actually tore, it surprised me, but that was my primary method for a long time. I guess it's what it means to the individual person, but self-injury takes many forms. There is a danger if we make comparisons that some could get competitive and try to match what someone else does. That's not good. But I know that when a friend told me that for her it was all about lots of blood, I responded by trying to do that too, even though for me it was the pain, and knowing that I could find a way no matter what, without needing tools that could be taken away. We're all different, but the differences aren't what matters. We all hurt, and we all struggle to cope.

<font color="#000088">Yeah,I agree there are many different forms of self-injury. Like some people burn themselves with lit ciggarette's,and some people poke themselves with pins,just because it's the pain that helps them feel better. And now I learned something new,some people scratch themselves.I don't see where they get pain out of it,and if they are wanting blood to ease their pain,they sure aren't getting much.But if just a little bit eases their pain,then that's a good thing,it's a lot safer. People like me that need a lot of blood to ease the pain, actually have to cut in order to ease the pain in that way! So it's a lot more dangerous. That's why I have worked very hard to avoid it,and try to come up with other ways to cope! And I hope to be able to continue to be cut free,for many more years. </font>

<font color="#000088">Well I made it through my birthday without cutting! But I really owe a lot of thanks to all the support I've gotten from a lot of the members here. I really believe that it would have been much harder to get through it, if I didn't have the support that I do here. So Thanks everybody for helping me through this!</font>

[gostryter]

good for you justice!!!!!

((((((((((Justice)))))))))))

I feel for you. I can definatly understand the not so nice neighbor thing. It got so bad here that I got a no stocking menicing order on one of the neighbors, but it was only temp.
My landlord is just as much part of the problem though. Good luck to you.

<font color="#000088">Yeah,my landlord sticks up for the manic one that harrasses me the most,and still is harrassing me. The other neighbor is staying away from me now,and avoiding me. But the landlord just told the manic one to stop,and to stay away from me,and if she heard her threatening me again,then she may be looking at an eviction notice on her door. But when the landlord talks to me,and I try to tell her what she is still doing,she just sticks up for her too much,because for one thing,they are both recovering alcoholics,and the landlord just happens to be her sponser. So she keeps giving her way too much room to harrass me and get away with it. Because she feels sorry for her over the things she knows about her history that she can't repeat out of confidence,over being her sponser in AA! I don't expect the landlord to tell me her history, but I expect her to be as strict with her as she is with all the others,and not favor her,because of her being her sponser,which that's what she's doing! It's not fair to me! She's still keeping me up until atleast midnight almost every night,talking and laughing outside my bedroom window. I already talked to the managers about it,and nothing was done,and it's still happening.But she keeps her little mini-recorder with her out there,just incase I get fed up and open my window and yell at her,or say something to her about it.Cause I'm supposed to not talk to her either. That was part of the agreement with the landlord,that we just leave eachother alone,and don't talk to eachother,and I agreed! But the mini-recorder doesn't say what time it is when it would have been recorded. So she would claim that I got mad at her in the middle of the day,for not keeping it down for me to sleep! </font>