[TM2K]

My daughter has cut, used to be worse when she was going through bullying in jr high. She is in counseling & on meds for depression & anxiety. She is 14. The other day she came to me and told me she cut the day before and showed me. She hadn't cut for probably almost a year. She said she doesnt know why she did it, had the urge, but after felt disappointed she did it because it didn't help anyway.

I try to be very supportive and we are very close. Im on top of her meds and making sure she sleeps enough etc. I just hugged her and told her thanks for telling me, made sure they were superficial, told her it was ok, I loved her, etc.

What can I do to help? Or what is the best way to handle it? What do your parents/friends do to help?

Thank you!

[PumpkinPieHead]

I'd like to congratulate you on being such a great parent. If she is telling you, then you are doing the right things already.

I'm no expert and I'm not a parent either so I hesitate to dole out any advice. I speak as a someone who cut as a teen and never felt like I could talk to my parent, though.

[TM2K]

Originally Posted by PumpkinPieHead

I'd like to congratulate you on being such a great parent. If she is telling you, then you are doing the right things already.

I'm no expert and I'm not a parent either so I hesitate to dole out any advice. I speak as a someone who cut as a teen and never felt like I could talk to my parent, though.

Thank you! I'm a single mom...so those words mean a lot. Thanks!

[Skeezyks]

Hello TM2K: I'm not able to offer any advice here. From what you wrote, it sounds like you're doing wonderfully. Since your daughter is 14, I wondered if you are familiar with California therapist Kati Morton. Kati uploads mental health related videos onto her YouTube channel. She's young, very knowledgeable & enthusiastic. If your daughter is not familiar with Kati's YouTube channel, I think she (and you as well) might find her videos to be of great value. She also answers viewers' questions.

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCzB...zlkRdDOSobbpvw

[Denni]

I too have a daughter who began cutting at age 14. She has done it on & off, since that time, & is now almost 19. She does come to me & tell me when she feels like cutting, or has had a slip. It upsets me so badly that I can only manage to beg her not to, & ask her to promise me that she won't follow through with it, which may not be the best answers.
She's been in therapy, & on many different types of meds, many of which caused her projectile vomit, (Depakote, Latuda, & a few others). A few have worked, but only for a short time, & the crying jags & depression start up again. We're on the second therapist, & she now attends cognitive therapy as well. (I've notice that premesttral & menstral issues seem to worsten the situation).)
What meds, or combinations of meds, are usually RX'd for a combination of anxiety, depression, & self-harm, & possible BPD, for people in her age group?

[a2468jh]

I second the recommendation for Kati Morton's channel from Skeezyks! She actually has a bunch of self harm related videos.

Here's my take on it...for what it's worth.
a) you are doing something so great for her to come to you after she cuts, that says a lot.
b) you cannot make her stop. as much as us moms want to be able to fix things for our kids, it's not up to us, unfortunately.
c) the most helpful thing for me when I was cutting was for people to just hang out with me - not to talk about it or be concerned, not to 'watch me' to make sure I wasn't doing it, but to just want to be near me for company's sake. So see if she'll watch a movie with you - make some yummy snacks for it. Or plan a fun craft night. It is tough as a single mom to find time and energy to give more of yourself. So try to make sure it's something you'll enjoy and benefit from too - win/win!
d) one other thought... when she told you about this latest incident, it sounds like you were super loving, concerned and caring. Is it possible that she was looking for that reaction from you? I'd try to be those things without the drama of the self harm for awhile so that she is feeling the love and validation from you without needing to hurt herself.
e) maybe also see if there is anything that could have triggered her to start it up again now after a year of not. Did she watch a movie or show that brought back her bullying emotions?? Or did something happen at school (even if it happened to someone else and she just saw it)? Or could it be the time of year or a specific date? It's easier said than done but if she can figure out what brought it up again, it might be helpful...

[TM2K]

Thank you all! I appreciate your info & kind words! We've come a long way with cutting over the last few years. I will definitely check out the videos, i know she has seen some, I can't remember if it's the same person or not.

Yes, this time of year is tough. Her dad usually comes around and right now she's very angry at him. Last year they had a fight. So I'm thinking that is coming back up to the surface. We have counseling tomorrow night so will discuss it more.

Denni..i will send you a private message soon...she has been diagnosed with PMDD too. Getting her on a bcp has helped A LOT!

[i dont matter]

support her no matter what.

if she is already getting professional help, then you are doing all that you can without you making yourself the enemy in your daughters eyes. Hug, love, support. Do NOT judge. Just pound the concept that you are there no matter what.

Just my opinion (speaking as a SHer).

[random_emotion]

You are doing a great job! The way you reacted was great! They way you supported her without shaming her or making a big deal out of it. When I was a teenager and I cut I did not tell my parents. If they did find out they usually made a big deal out of it. Which made be more and more secretive. As I have grown I have still hide my cutting from my parents but this last time my mom found out I self injured last month she was very supportive and non-judgemental.

[AlittleUnsteady]

People self harm for different reasons. The big ones for me are as a punishment and also to numb my intense emotions. Self harm is a coping skill, not a healthy one, but it has it's purpose. When someone doesn't know how to handle emotions, they go to what they know. I'm not sure of her reasons for self harm, but I think a lot of times it is a way to find release from pain. Her not self harming for 1 year is a big thing. This might be why she was disappointed as well. It's also good that she has noticed that it did not help. That might make her think twice next time she wants to. I think you are already doing great with how you handle this. Being non-judgemental and supportive will help her feel safe enough to tell you. Something I've learned to do is find a safe person, which for her could be you, and going to them before i act on the urge to self harm. That gives me the chance to tell someone, which makes me accountable to someone else, and then more likely to not do it. It also gives me the chance to talk through what I am feeling. A lot of times I just feel alone and like no one cares, and having someone take the time to listen to me or be with me helps ease the urge. I'm not her, so I can't say these things would definately work, but for me it helps just knowing someone is there and really cares.

[TM2K]

Thank you all! Sometimes I think I need the reassurance I am doing an okay job.