[subtle lights]

I'm so angry.I can't ever ask for help because my fear of possible embarrasment is bigger than anything.
So the only way is to continue this.
I don't want to go back pretending I'm okay.
I could stop SH and just nicely pretend to live waiting to die as I always have but I'm tired of this. So tired.

There is so much pain here...now I started cutting on visible parts. I know I will hide it, even in my most painful moments I'm doing it in a calculated way. I can't lose it completely apparently so everyone can be happy, I will pretend to be functional until I die.

Sorry for this.

Also, one day I had some scratches on my arm and they were visible and I felt so good and free that I felt people were looking at them and finally saw my pain. I don't know, all this might sound crazy.
I just can't take it anymore.

[subtle lights]

I really think I don't deserve help. Like, I need to get over my stupid covardness and fears and only then I will deserve help. But apparently I can't so then this is it, I'm destined to watch myseld wither away. But maybe I'll get over it and end all this sooner.

[Gr3tta_0]

I am sorry you feel so sad and hopeless. I wish you strength in allowing yourself help when you are ready, if that is your wish. I hope you feel better soon.

[AmandaBroken]

I understand the intensity of your emotions. I understand being overwhelmed. Try not to let this take over. Is there someone you can talk too? Have you tried distracting yourself?

Please be Safe... Contact me if you think talking to someone will help...

Amanda

[subtle lights]

It's extremely triggering to me that my therapist doesn't take my SH seriously. Not saying that is the only reason I cut, or even the main one, but it sometimes gives me urges to do it.