regretting my promise

hi everyone. after my relapse in may, i called my T and i said i wanted to promise her that i wouldn't cut again. i meant until i saw her again, but i didn't clarify that so i think i'm still bound by my promise. i have been wanting to si ever since, and often the only thing that has stopped me has been that promise to her. now i really, really, really wish i hadn't made that promise. because i will never break a promise to her, i can't cut. but i want to so bad. i wish i hadn't promised her. i really really want to cut. i've even thought about just letting her know that i meant that promise as a temporary thing, and that i want to cut again. but that thought feels wierd to me. telling my therapist, oh by the way my promise to you has expired and i'm going to cut again! lol! that sound a little off to anyone else?

i don't know why i'm writing this, or what i expect or hope anyone says back. i just need to share, and i haven't for quite a while. so thanks for being there.

SweetCrusader

"Blessed be the cracked, for they let in the light"
-Author Unknown

How would you feel about it if you did that? And also, how did she accept your promise? Do you feel like she requires that promise of you? It was you who wanted to promise her you wouldn't cut.

How do you think she would respond if you wrote to her and told her that your promise had expired? Would she tell you not to cut, or that it is your choice, or ??? Do you think she would offer suggestions for avoiding it?

<font color=orange>"Success is the ability to go from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm. - Winston Churchill "</font color=orange>

her response, when i told her i wanted to promise to her was "i will hold your promise." she fully supports me, and she has more compassion and understanding for my relapses than i do. my issue isn't solely with what that promise means to HER. it's what it means to me. i told her and myself that i would not break a promise to her. i am trying to trust her, and i need for her to trust me, too. right now she does. i made the promise to her because i didn't care enough about myself to keep a promise to me, yet i cared enough to make a promise for my own safety. if i told her i wanted to cut, she would probably ask me what's going on and why i want to cut. i don't want to tell her all the answers that i'm aware of, and i'm not aware of all the answers. and because i haven't even gotten a response to that last email, that makes me want to tell her even less than i already wanted to tell her. i don't feel like telling her how much i want to cut. i just feel like doing it. but i know i shouldn't. so what do i do? it's a double bind!

"Blessed be the cracked, for they let in the light"
-Author Unknown

That's rough. Unfortunately, you know what I would do, but I wouldn't have made that promise. You will feel better about yourself if you make it through this without cutting. And the reason I was asking how you thought she would respond was because maybe if you can come up with responses she might give you, maybe you can give those responses to yourself. I wish I knew what to tell you.

<font color=orange>"Success is the ability to go from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm. - Winston Churchill "</font color=orange>