[5chatzi]

Hi everyone,

I’d like some opinions on something that’s been nagging at me for a long while.

Ever since my teenage years, when I get intensely frustrated or overwhelmed I had the urge to hurt myself. Normally in my head I fantasized about bashing my head into a wall. I was always able to push those thoughts aside and avoid doing anything. A few years ago, when I was really upset, I would start hitting my head with my fists.. not hard but just a few smacks.

Blood makes me extremely squeamish and honestly the thought of taking a razor or knife to myself is kind of unthinkable.

Well, about a year ago, I discovered a way to “injure” myself that I could handle. I was feeling low and decided to try something. I made a few marks over the course of a few weeks.. nothing major. Essentially I (without going into too much detail) could make a mark perhaps 1/2 inch long, just scraping away the top layer of skin. It left a stinging wound that scabbed over and they have left some light scars. I these near the crook of my elbow near the inside and managed to hide them. Felt stupid for doing it and panicked when i saw the light injuries actually left scars and was petrified my family would notice and say something. Didn’t do anything for months.

Fast forward and I felt some urges again.. discovered I could mark my very upper thigh because my pajama shorts are long enough to cover it. Over the course of a few months I’ve made perhaps a dozen marks.. most being 5 in one day. These one are smaller.. only perhaps 1/4 inch long.

Does this qualify as SI? I mean.. obviously it does since it’s an “injury” on myself.. but you know.. does it REALLY qualify. Honestly I feel pathetic calling it SI..

I have a best friend that really SI.. bad. Traditional cutting and she does it.. a lot when shes going through a rough patch. Like.. dozens on each arm.

So I guess.. I mean.. mine doesn’t count right? Like I can’t possibly equate it to what my friend does. And I’m not addicted to it. Frequently I think about it but just can’t bother to do it.. so I don’t. And right now.. well my best friend isn’t talking to me right now because she’s coping with something and told me that when she gets this depressed she can’t handle using her phone to communicate (it’s a long distance friendship so that means phone is our only option).. so essentially she’s not talking to me while she’s coping with her situation and she just said it will be a while that she’s not going to be talkative. All that to say that I’ve made the conscious choice to make a set of marks each day we go without talking...

Idk. This is long and I doubt anyone will read it. I guess I’m just posting this to say that I think I’m just a SI faker/poser.

Just to note.. I was seeing a psychologist but “graduated” because I’m all better.. never shared about this “SI” since I didn’t think it counted enough to be brought up. I mean.. is it normal? Does everyone just SI a tiny bit and that’s normal.. and only a lot of cutting is concerning?

[possum220]

The most common form of self-harm is using a sharp object to cut one's skin, but self-harm also covers a wide range of behaviours including burning, scratching, banging or hitting body parts, interfering with wound healing (dermatillomania), hair-pulling (trichotillomania) and the ingestion of toxic substances or objects.[2][4][5]Behaviours associated with substance abuse and eating disorders are usually not considered self-harm because the resulting tissue damage is ordinarily an unintentional side effect.[6] However, the boundaries are not always clearly defined and in some cases behaviours that usually fall outside the boundaries of self-harm may indeed represent self-harm if performed with explicit intent to cause tissue damage. (Definition from wikipedia)

Yes. It is self harm. Some people hide it. Others don't. The fact that you dont cut yourself doesn't exclude it from SI. Do you do it to transfer the focus of your emotional pain into a physical one? You are not a fake/poser.

Why do you feel you need to make a mark for everyday you go without talking? Would it not be possible to make a mark in a book or on the wall or put a stone in something to remember this rather than self harm?

[5chatzi]

I’m not really sure why I do it.. previous times I’ve been sort of depressed.. but I’m doing ok in general right now. Not happy, but just.. ok.

And I’m not sure why I need to hurt myself for each day.. something about seeing tally marks on myself is comforting I guess.

[possum220]

Whenever our bodies are physically damaged in some way our brain release endorphins to heal the affected area. Those endorphins help us to feel better in the moment. Like anything else it becomes habit forming.

Maybe it's time to check back in with a psychologist and have a chat with them.

[Skeezyks]

I'd say what you're doing is self-harming. Maybe not to the degree your friend is. But self-harm is self-harm. I also find the idea of using a razor or knife to cut myself difficult. However I'm a long-time hair puller. I've also pierced my skin with needles, I've ingested mildly toxic substances, & I've beat my head against walls to the extent that, over time, I developed Meniere's Disease (a condition of the inner ear) & tinnitus. Despite all of this, I don't typically think of myself as having been a self-harmer. (I'm not doing any of this anymore.) But when I actually think about it... I clearly have been.