[Daeva]

December 2, 2015 was the last time I cut myself. A year before that the T I most loved noticed a pattern in my behavior and actions, wrote it down for me. I was always aware of it, but I never caught on until after the fact usually. But on 12/2/15 for some reason halfway through my cutting session it was like a switch was flipped in my brain and I just stopped. I put my blade down and cleaned myself up. I caught myself in the act, instead of after. For some reason it was enough. I haven't cut since.

I thought about it alot, weekly every week for the last few years. I still think about it, lately its been daily. I feel so adrift, like I'm in a storm, with all these different but brutal winds from all directions casting me all over. There's nothing familiar, nothing to latch on to, nothing to stabilize myself with. And I can't help but want it. I keep holding my blade, it's kind of a comfort. I mean trying to explain to my therapist for the last few weeks why I was panicky cause I couldn't find it even though I hadn't used it in years wasn't fun. I mean, it's an option, one I know for sure will work. Without it there's no option, there's no safety, it's all left to chance, and it's leaving me to just suffer and be torn apart and scattered.

And I want to give into it so much. It's so funny, after I stopped I had really bad impulses for a few months but it went away. Even after those "Withdrawals" I still thought of it immediately when something went wrong but said no. And yet it's still the first thing I think of. I just can't find a reason to say no anymore. Well I never really had a reason before either. There's just nothing left in me to fight it. I have nothing left to give.

[Rive1976]

I am very proud of you that you havent cut. Its not safety really. Not healthy safety. Try some meditation when you feel like cutting. Create a safe place in your mind and go there. Like the beach. Imagine the waves, the water on your skin, the sand etc. Have a safe place in your mind to go to.