hmmmm

This seems dumb to me, but I have a dr.s appnt in a week and that puts the pressure on to try to *not* cut. I haven't a few weeks now; the last of them on my leg still show, but somehow when i am getting close to a time when i know an area that often gets attacked is going to be seen i feel like i have to fight more *not* to. Being DID/MPD it is dificult to know the "mind" of those that do attack. But I don't believe any of them want anyone to know they cut. Well... i do know that some sort of wish some professional would find out - but i also know that they work hard to not have anyone find out. Doesn't make a lot of sense to me (host) at the moment. I know the dr wants a blood test that day and i know that the lab tech always looks at *both* arrms to see which she wants to use - even though she always picks the right one. the left is usually the one that gets attacked. but the marks on that arm just finally went away and i really don't want my dr to know. i know if there were some, the tech would go get the dr. it is enough that my t knows and i don't think she's communicated that to the dr.

alas.... just my thoughts for the morning. kiya

(((((kiya)))))
firstly, I SI on the left arm. I usually do it above the elbow but did do it on the inner elbow right where they take blood. So now I ONLY give the techs my right arm- I refuse to let them see my left arm!! if they want to know why I just say that my right arm is the best.
2ndly, I hope you stay strong. Having an incentive to not SI can add more pressure but makes you feel so much better when you get past those urges without needing to...It can be such an achievement.
Sorry, gotta go. On shared computer and I have ppl waiting!!!
irish

thanks irish. =( it is odd how it adds more pressure internally. i have thought about just refusing to show my arm. the tech is pretty uptight and i really don't want to cross her. i have already had a mini tangle with her originally because i am so fearful of needles (isn't that a laugh - fearful of needles, but can use a razor?) - well it isn't the same "person" internally. but still. my dr tries so hard to help me out - i can't have her know. i can't have her think of me "differently". ok - i can get through this. i can get through. Man, i even found that "part" considering it at work again. boss was saying she had an empty tape gun. has the gun, but it's no good w/o the tape. and the through there was, but it is good for a slice or two... second week on the job and we found that out pretty quick. ahhhh see, these thoughts i must keep away from me. put myself in a protective barrier... kiya