[njgirlatheart78]

Okay so I completely screwed up today....I think I ruined a REALLY important friendship and to boot my husband was yelling at me for 2 hours today in the car in a parking lot of a store b/c I asked him to be sweeter to me like he used to be.

First and foremost the friendship....I really can't believe how BADLY I screwed this one up. Someone I actually bonded with, clicked with, read each others minds, felt a HUGE connection too, and I screwed it up....When I left seeing my friend today I seriously just wanted to run though a red light and get slammed by the huge truck coming down the road.....I don't know yet where I stand with this friendship, but if I loose it I don't know what I will do....

Secondly, the husband thing.....everyone tells me how much poison he is to me and how much better I could do, etc....and everytime I start thinking that I could....he is verbally abusive to me and he keeps me down. He makes my "protector" come out and she takes the brunt of his abusive behavior, but when she finally leaves me I am so drained and in so much heart pain along with head pain all I want to do is slice my skin or take a pair of scissors and just cut....like you would pig meat (which is fitting for me as I am one)...today I really thought the minute I get home from this distaster day with him I am going to go grab my hidden knife and just slice away in the shower so no one will think anything until after I am gone...finally peace will be had.....

Alas, I am here journaling and typing this post in hopes to wait for the drugs to kick in to just get me to sleep so I don't do that....I did not O/D on them, but I just wanted to take a swig of the bottle. They are my Knights that will rescue me from this hell.

[Rapunzel]

I have had thoughts like that too many times. It gets better though. Please talk to someone. I don't know if you are in therapy or not, but it really can make a difference. The things that seem so overwhelming right now won't always be such dominating thoughts. You can focus on making changes for the better in your life, and you can get there. You can find people who will support you and love you for who you are.