Sister's a cutter (kinda long)

I don't know what to do. My sister used to scratch herself with stuff when she was in high school. It only lasted a couple weeks or so, and was obviously an attention seeking thing. She started again, only now she's going deeper. I thought it was an attention thing, because when she told me, it was kind of a bragging thing, and she was giggling when she told me. But it's getting more serious. She told me a couple days ago that she almost killed herself last week. The way she is, and the way she told me leads me to believe it's an attention thing still. However, if it's not just an attention thing, I don't want to assume, and understate it, and then have her kill herself. I would never forgive myself. My boyfriend is convinced it's just for attention, but I know my sis better than he does. I think there may be a portion of sincerity to her want of death, but I don't know how much, or how strong. What should I do? I've been really supportive, and my bf and I are giving her a key to our apartment in case she needs to get away (because she lives at home and our mom is most of the problem). But if something happens to her, even with everything I'm doing for her, I'll still feel like it's my fault. Is there anything more I can do for her or me? I have my own issues that I'm arguing with mental health "professionals" about (they don't believe I have problems, a whole other post). Adding her stuff to my load makes it really hard for me to deal with my stuff and know how to help her, you know? Any suggestions?

((((Hunnygirl))))
You are doing so much for your sister and your love for her is just beaming out of the post. Your sister needs professional help..While cutting for me was a lot about crying out for help it is also a sign of danger. You are doing all you can for her by being support, but you have to take care of your own needs as well.
I know that this has to be painful for you and for that I am sorry. We are here and I hope you find help and advice from this place.

Jessica

<font color=blue> You are in this snowglobe. It is encovered in glass and secure. But one day someone comes and shakes the globe and the pieces go flying everywhere. Now they will eventually settle but they won't be the way they were before and they can never be that way again. </font color=blue>

She's seeing a therapist, but I'm not sure how much she's actually telling her. They just changed her meds, and they started her on the second one before the first was out of her system, so the first one has her not sleeping, and the second one makes her tired. She's really tired, but can't sleep. That doesn't help her much. I'm hoping the meds work themselves out soon so she can start getting better hopefully.

I am sure that they will. The beginning of taking meds can be a difficult time but the benefits are better then the cons. Just tell her to hang in there...stuff should start leveling out soon. If not then it is important that she tells someone.

Jessica

<font color=blue>The worst is over now and we can breathe again
I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away
There’s so much left to learn, and no one left to fight
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain</font color=blue>

You are a good sister to care about your sister and want to help her. It sounds like you both have grown up in a difficult environment, and since she is still living with your mom, it is still ongoing for her. You didn't say what it is about your mom that makes living with her hard, but even "little" things like invalidation and being controlling have a big impact.

I am glad that both of you are getting some professional help, but it sounds like you are even having something of a struggle there with getting the kind of understanding and support that you need. Sometimes you do have to do some shopping around to find the right therapist for you. One thing that you could do is talk to your sister about her therapy. Ask her if her therapist knows about the cutting, and other things that are important that she might not be sharing, and encourage her to talk to the therapist about those things. It is scary, but we just don't get anywhere with therapy when we are keeping secrets. You might even ask if it would be okay for you to go with your sister to one of her therapy sessions. Your support might make it easier for her to open up about things she has not been able to yet.

Even if self-injury is a way to get attention, there is some reason why that attention is so desperately needed. Sometimes I think cutting can be a way of communicating, "hey, I need some help and I don't have a better way to ask or to show anyone how bad I am feeling!" Smiling and giggling while showing you or telling you about it don't make it less serious - that is most likely a sign of nervousness. The good news is, even if she has been thinking about suicide, she has stopped short of that and scratched or cut herself instead. She has not given up, but has found a way to deal with her desperation instead, even if it is not a healthy way. Sometimes SI is an alternative to suicide. There are so many things that it can mean, and every person is different, but whatever it is that is compelling your sister to hurt herself, this is something serious and too big for her to handle by herself, and she does need support. You do not need to take on her burden yourself, but she needs to be taken seriously and making sure that she is getting the help she needs is the best thing that you can do.

<font color=orange>"If a light beckons to you, follow it. If it leads you into the quagmire, you'll probably find your way out of it again; but if you don't follow it, you'll be plagued for the rest of your life by the thought that perhaps it was your star." Friedrich Hebbet</font color=orange>

Excuse the bitterness in my post for just a sec, it isn't directed at you, your love for your sister is obvious. It just drives me nuts when people say that people injure themselves to get attention. Well DUH! Of course it is to get attention. It is like a cat peeing in the corner of the living room when normally she would go in her litter box. The cat goes in the corner too get attention because something is wrong. It is the same with self injury. Something is definately wrong that needs attention. Sometimes it is the self-injurer who is trying to get her own attention, to wake up and move on. This is a secretive act that many people will never know about. Sometimes it is the to get the attention of other people because the self-injurer can't cope with her pain on her own and needs others to help her. It makes me sad that this second group is accused of "Just trying to get attention". Of course she is but it is obvious that something is dreadfully wrong and should be addressed.

It sounds like you are already doing what you can do. You are giving her your support by listening. You are showing her your concern and a place to be to get away. You are being a good sister. I know it is hard to see her going through this and not be able to do more to help her but it is really up to her to take your support and comfort and use it to get better. You sound very concerned about her safety. I would suggest that you call her therapist and let him know your concerns. He can't tell you anything but letting him know what is going on will help him help her. The only problem with this is that your sister may get furious at you and life could get uncomfortable. In the end she will be most likely be thankful but at this point she will probably tear into you and blame you. Most important thing is that you take care of yourself and don't allow yourself to get TOO wrapped up in her problems. That will make your work more difficult and you may start resenting her which isn't good either. know she is taking steps to get better. You said she is seeing a therapist and getting on meds. Trust in that effort.
Carrie

<font color=blue>If you have two dollars, spend one on bread and the other on flowers. The bread will feed your body and the flowers will feed your soul."--Arabic Saying

I don't think the sister will get furious, if the therapist handles the situation tactfully. Having the knowledge that his/her client has si-d doesn't necessarily mean that the therapist has to launch a direct confrontation. If her therapist is skilled, s/he will know how to manuever and work with her without letting her know that she's been "reported," ya know? I think it depends a lot on the tactfulness of the therapist.

HOWEVER before doing that, I think you should try talking to your sister. Ask her if she's told her therapist about the si. Because si is a VERY personal thing, and if I was aware that someone else told my therapist about it rather than me being able to, I would feel devastated and violated.


-comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable-

Sorry if my post was taken the wrong way. I was simply refering to my own experience..that is why I said "with me." I know that it can be stating the obvious, but not everyone knows that. I felt it was better to rely what I knew because that is all I know.
I did not claim to be a doctor....

Jessica

<font color=blue>The worst is over now and we can breathe again
I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away
There’s so much left to learn, and no one left to fight
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain</font color=blue>

Jessica,
I thought you expressed it very well. Do you ever feel narcissistic? I mean, I do what you do, I express my knowlege through my experience--you know, I felt this, when this happen to me, blah blah blah--by the end of the day sometimes I wonder if everyone thinks I am totally stuck on myself. But I don't know how anybody else feels so how else can I express it and be real?
Carrie

PS Please don't take this wrong. I by no means think you are stuck on yourself and I definately treasure the fact that you share your experience with us. Thank you.
CK

<font color=blue>If you have two dollars, spend one on bread and the other on flowers. The bread will feed your body and the flowers will feed your soul."--Arabic Saying

what better way to share your knowledge about si than through personal experience? sometimes i answer posts by talking about what i've learned from this book or that, or from a psych class, or my T. but honestly, i prefer to be able to help people from a more personal experiential place most of the time, if i can. part of what this forum is about is support. support others involves relating to them, and sharing your own experiences as well as hearing about theirs, right? besides, i think if this person was looking for something other than personal experience, she could've consulted a book. she asked this question in the si forum for a reason: because she wanted the viewpoints of those who si. that's my take.

i think everyone's responses were appropriate. no need to judge anyone elses, nor question your own!

Angela (SC)

-comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable-

Carrie,
It is weird because I never talk about myself to anyone in my life. I am usually so focused on others feelings and emotions around me that I never feel "right" in talking about how I feel or anything to people around me. When I come here sometimes I feel at a loss to give helpful advice to people who really seem to need it. I guess the only way I feel I can help anyone is to give personal examples when they are applicable. I know that I started feeling less alone here when I heard others tell stories that were very similar to what I experienced in my life. I just want to help others the same way...especially since I feel as though I never have any "real" answers.
I do not know if that made any sense....

Jessica

<font color=blue>The worst is over now and we can breathe again
I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away
There’s so much left to learn, and no one left to fight
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain</font color=blue>

you know i within the last 48 hours one of my friends tried to kill himself and i found him. i don't with that upon you or anyone else for that matter. for that reason i would strongly agree to get your sister some major help. i realize know you can't take these things lightly. my friend was also a cutter, i knew he did it for stress relief or something of that sort. i knew that he sometimes didn't want to live and thursday i guess he just gave up. i don't want this to happen to you. talk to your sister, make sure she knows you love and care about her and that you are there for her, but please tell someone else you can't be the only one who knows. you're in my thought,
collegefriend

<font color=red> It's hard being a snowflake in a world of Cheerios!</font color=red>

being a cutter doesn't necessarily mean suicidal also, though. don't be too quick to assume that just because she's cutting, she's suicidal.

-comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable-

i know im sorry, still kinda in shock and all that, still having to deals with all the thoughts that are coming into my head, and thats all i have been thinking about

<font color=red> It's hard being a snowflake in a world of Cheerios!</font color=red>