[Angelornot]

It's been a long time since I've been on here. I had a baby a few years ago and since then I've worked really hard to do better and just focus on him. And I've done really well. But I'm going through some stuff now and I've cut myself a few times in the last several months.

I don't want to share with anyone in my life, because everyone thinks that's all behind me and I don't want them to worry about me. And I especially don't want anyone to think that I'm not a good mother.

I've just been feeling so overwhelmed and anxious lately and I don't know who to talk to. I had one very close friend, but his girlfriend told him not to speak to me anymore and after years of friendship, he just cut me off on the word of a girl he's known a few months. It just makes me feel very disposable. I don't want to drive anyone else away by being depressed around them, but I'm struggling. I want to cut myself. I know that won't help for long. and I'm still constantly reminded that I lost all the progress I had made because I have bright pink scars on my arms again. I hate feeling like I have to hide. I constantly worry someone will see. But part of me finds it so much harder not to cut because I already did it. It's not really anything extra to hide since I'm already hiding fresh scars.
It's been so long since I've been in this position and it's bringing back all the memories of how I used to be and I feel so much more overwhelmed because now I have something to lose. I never cared about anything when I was cutting before.
Anyways sorry this is so long and all over the place, I just really needed to tell someone.

[MsSunflower]

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. It might not be the healthy thing to do but you're just trying to cope the best you know how. I don't believe any of that changes your ability to be a good mother. I've been struggling with relapse after a long time. I know what you mean when you said that it feels easier to do again after you feel like you've lost all your progress. But you know, we fought hard for recovery once and I believe we can do it again. This is such a hard thing to discuss with the people in our lives. I hope you find someone to talk to whether it be a crisis line or counselor or just on this forum. I'm here if you want to chat.

[Ember_42]

You're definitely not alone in struggling with relapse. I'm there too. It doesn't make you a bad mom and please don't put unrealistic expectations on yourself. Moms have problems and need emotional support too. It's stressful being responsible for someone who depends on you.

You have the strength in you to recover. You just need to find it again. We all three have faded battle scars to prove that we survived and got through this before. I'm here too if you need to talk.

[SlumberKitty]

I totally get when you said part of you finds it harder not to cut because you already did it. That's how I am when I cut. I really try to work on building up clean days of not SH-ing because it seems to help. I'm sorry you are in this position right now. Keep writing here if you want. We are listening. HUGS Kit

[Fuzzybear]

hugs

[Angelornot]

well I ended up cutting myself both yesterday and today.... I try so hard to distract myself but I just have no motivation to do anything else.

[SlumberKitty]

HUGS Angelornot....I'm sorry you ended up cutting. Try to be gentle with yourself, as you are able. Distractions are hard, and sometimes they don't work. But I've found for myself, it's good to keep trying different ones because sometimes one will work when another won't. HUGS Kit