FAQ/Help |
Calendar |
Search |
Legendary
Member Since Mar 2018
Location: United States
Posts: 10,760
(SuperPoster!)
6 10.6k hugs
given |
#181
I hope you make it through the night ok. You sound like you have been doing really well resisting the urges.
|
Reply With Quote |
SlumberKitty
|
SlumberKitty
|
Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Jul 2018
Location: CA
Posts: 27,329
(SuperPoster!)
5 117.7k hugs
given |
#182
Quote:
Tonight I have a Zoom session with my T. I want her to be able to take away the pain. But I know she can't. I want her to wave a magic wand and make me feel better. But I know she can't. So it all feels very hopeless. Feels like I might as well give in and SH. __________________ Dum Spiro Spero IC XC NIKA |
|
Reply With Quote |
Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Jul 2018
Location: CA
Posts: 27,329
(SuperPoster!)
5 117.7k hugs
given |
#183
I ended up giving and and self harming. I couldn't handle the urges anymore. I was cowardly and did it before my therapy appointment instead of giving my therapist the chance to make things better for me. I feel stupid now. I lost all that time I had built up. I wish I could cry.
__________________ Dum Spiro Spero IC XC NIKA |
Reply With Quote |
Anonymous32448, Bill3
|
Legendary
Member Since Mar 2009
Location: USA
Posts: 10,926
15 24.1k hugs
given |
#184
|
Reply With Quote |
SlumberKitty
|
SlumberKitty
|
Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Jul 2018
Location: CA
Posts: 27,329
(SuperPoster!)
5 117.7k hugs
given |
#185
Now I want comfort. I know I have to comfort myself but how? That is the question.
__________________ Dum Spiro Spero IC XC NIKA |
Reply With Quote |
Bill3
|
Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Jul 2018
Location: CA
Posts: 27,329
(SuperPoster!)
5 117.7k hugs
given |
#186
Thank you, T, for not asking to see the wounds.
__________________ Dum Spiro Spero IC XC NIKA |
Reply With Quote |
Bill3
|
Legendary
Member Since Mar 2009
Location: USA
Posts: 10,926
15 24.1k hugs
given |
#187
|
Reply With Quote |
SlumberKitty
|
SlumberKitty
|
Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Jul 2018
Location: CA
Posts: 27,329
(SuperPoster!)
5 117.7k hugs
given |
#188
I feel guilty because I found out my 17 y.o. niece is on antidepressants. I'm sure her parents messed her up. But I still feel guilty/responsible/like I caused it or contaminated her someway with my Schizoaffective disorder. Then that makes me feel bad and like I need to be punished. I typed this out in a text to Julieanne (my T) and asked to SH contract with her for 28 hours.
__________________ Dum Spiro Spero IC XC NIKA |
Reply With Quote |
Bill3
|
Bill3
|
Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Jul 2018
Location: CA
Posts: 27,329
(SuperPoster!)
5 117.7k hugs
given |
#189
23 days today. Can't wait until I can get past 100. It seems impossible but I am wanting to get there. My goal is to make 2 years which is 730 so 707 days to go.
Today I am having some admittedly kind of weird SH thoughts that I have had before and acted on before. I was scared to tell my T in case she thought I needed hospitalization. I don't know her that well yet so IDK, I'm not sure what would trigger that "hospitalization button" that T's have. But since I felt like I shouldn't share it, made me think that I should share it. Since I had contracted with her to not self harm the day before, I was to let her know if we needed to extend it today. So I texted her and in the text I brought up the weird SH thoughts that I am having and also the fact that I don't NEED to be hospitalized, thank you very much. She responded very kindly. She told me yes I absolutely should tell her about those thoughts. And that she's not worried I will try to do anything to myself but she is sorry that I am having those thoughts. This hit a cord. I think it is a sadness cord because it made me want to cry. Maybe I am feeling of no value today. I don't know. But I am also really emotional today. I don't know why that would make me sad. But maybe I am getting the crying thing mixed up with sadness. I don't know. It's very confusing. I just know that T said the right thing at the right time. She's a keeper! __________________ Dum Spiro Spero IC XC NIKA |
Reply With Quote |
Bill3
|
Bill3
|
Legendary
Member Since Mar 2009
Location: USA
Posts: 10,926
15 24.1k hugs
given |
#190
((((((((SlumberKitty))))))))
|
Reply With Quote |
SlumberKitty
|
SlumberKitty
|
Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Jul 2018
Location: CA
Posts: 27,329
(SuperPoster!)
5 117.7k hugs
given |
#191
24 days today. I have to be able to make it longer than this.
I'm having massive urges today. Cravings. To do serious damage to myself. Sigh. I'm currently contracted with my T so technically I can't do anything. I'm not sure if contracting is making it worse by keeping me focused on it or if contracting is actually making me safer. I'm not sure what if any I should tell my T. I don't want her to push the hospitalize button. I don't want to be hospitalized. It would also jeopardize my place in aftercare if they found out. I don't want to lose that. __________________ Dum Spiro Spero IC XC NIKA |
Reply With Quote |
Bill3
|
Bill3
|
Legendary
Member Since Mar 2009
Location: USA
Posts: 10,926
15 24.1k hugs
given |
#192
Hang in there SlumberKitty!
|
Reply With Quote |
SlumberKitty
|
SlumberKitty
|
Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Jul 2018
Location: CA
Posts: 27,329
(SuperPoster!)
5 117.7k hugs
given |
#193
I told my T. She hasn't responded yet. I sent her a text. I'm okay for a while because I'm at work and there is nothing harmful I can do to myself while I am at work. This gives time for the urges to dissipate. This is what I am hoping for. I feel bad contacting T again. It's like sheesh. She should get paid an extra session for all these text messages I am sending her. I wonder if I should Zelle her some money. I guess she will tell me if so. I hope she doesn't decide I am too much work and bother and dump me.
__________________ Dum Spiro Spero IC XC NIKA |
Reply With Quote |
Bill3
|
Bill3
|
Legendary
Member Since Mar 2009
Location: USA
Posts: 10,926
15 24.1k hugs
given |
#194
Good job staying in touch with her when you find that you need some additional support!
|
Reply With Quote |
SlumberKitty
|
SlumberKitty
|
Legendary
Member Since Mar 2009
Location: USA
Posts: 10,926
15 24.1k hugs
given |
#195
. |
Reply With Quote |
SlumberKitty
|
SlumberKitty
|
Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Jul 2018
Location: CA
Posts: 27,329
(SuperPoster!)
5 117.7k hugs
given |
#196
My goal is to get to 2 years. I have 700 days to go. My T says putting it that way sounds depressing. I think saying I am at 30 days sound depressing too. At least I have been making it through this last round of urges. Riding the wave. Riding the wave.
__________________ Dum Spiro Spero IC XC NIKA |
Reply With Quote |
Bill3
|
Bill3
|
Magnate
Member Since Feb 2015
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,868
9 |
#197
Quote:
I'm having a tough day with urges. Sometimes it is just so hard. Sent from my SM-G991U using Tapatalk |
|
Reply With Quote |
Bill3, SlumberKitty
|
Bill3, SlumberKitty
|
Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Jul 2018
Location: CA
Posts: 27,329
(SuperPoster!)
5 117.7k hugs
given |
#198
UGH. Kind of having a tough day with the urges. They don't want to shut up in my head. I don't even know why I am having them. They are just there, under the skin, bothering me. I wish they would just go away and leave me alone. Don't they know I don't want them? I asked one of my friends for help with the urges but she wasn't much help. She tried though. I can't fault her for not knowing the right thing to say. Afterall I don't even know the right thing to tell myself so I will feel better. I just wish that I did indeed feel better.
__________________ Dum Spiro Spero IC XC NIKA |
Reply With Quote |
Bill3
|
Bill3
|
Legendary
Member Since Mar 2009
Location: USA
Posts: 10,926
15 24.1k hugs
given |
#199
|
Reply With Quote |
Guest
Posts: n/a
|
#200
I hope you feel stronger soon slumber kitty hugs
|
Reply With Quote |
SlumberKitty
|
SlumberKitty
|