My self harm journey

SlumberKitty · Feb 08, 2021 at 12:18 PM

My T made me promise her on Saturday that I wouldn't Self Harm. She wanted me to promise two weeks. (I see her every two weeks) but I wouldn't. So she asked me to promise a week. So I did. I think if I hadn't promised she would have made me go to the hospital and even though I might need to be in the hospital right now, I don't want to be so I did what I had to do to stay out of the hospital.

Bill3 · Feb 08, 2021 at 12:22 PM

What would be the pros and cons of being in the hospital atm?

SlumberKitty · Feb 08, 2021 at 01:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bill3

What would be the pros and cons of being in the hospital atm?

Pros:
1) have a rest from outside life
2) communicate to others that I'm struggling. I appear well enough on the outside so people don't really get that I am struggling but being in the hospital definitely communicates that
3) I wouldn't be able to self harm. Might be good to be at the hospital while I am really very actively wanting to self harm.
Cons:
1) Covid. Hospitals have covid.

2) Loss of freedom/control
3) I wouldn't be at work/I'd have to take time off.

Bill3 · Feb 08, 2021 at 03:30 PM

What (if anything) did your therapist say to you about the hospital?

SlumberKitty · Feb 08, 2021 at 03:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bill3

What (if anything) did your therapist say to you about the hospital?

To remember that I didn't like being at the hospital before.

SlumberKitty · Feb 09, 2021 at 01:53 PM

I'm in such deep pain. My past experiences with self harm tells me that only self harm can deal with this deep pain that I am in. I don't know if that is true, just what my experience tells me. Only I know that self harm will just add another problem onto my life. It won't actually solve anything. But oh that sweet relief. Just for a little while. It seems worth it but I know that I can't listen to that. I have to stay strong. I have to fight it. Fight it. Fight it. But what happens when I run out of strength?

Bill3 · Feb 09, 2021 at 03:32 PM

Where does your strength come from?

SlumberKitty · Feb 09, 2021 at 03:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bill3

Where does your strength come from?

Trigger for Christianity.

Possible trigger:

from God.

SlumberKitty · Feb 09, 2021 at 06:21 PM

I was running a blade up and down my arm mostly my wrist today, trying not to SH but trying to get a little sensation, and I ended up with three little marks. Not cuts. But marks. I wasn't intending to get them. I didn't even think the blade was that sharp. I took a picture and texted a friend and asked if he thought it was SH and he said no. And then later I sent the picture to my T and asked her if she thought it was self harm and she said no. So I feel relieved. Because if I would have meant to do it, it would have been a right mess, not a few pale marks on my skin. So I am looking at it as a near miss. I need to be careful from now on what I do to try to not SH. T said I need to get rid of my blades someday. I said I know but every time I do I just get more and that maybe we could talk about that next session.

SlumberKitty · Feb 10, 2021 at 10:59 AM

Today I put some anointing oil on my wrists and on my forehead. It smells good. Rose of Sharon from Jerusalem. It made me feel good to do that.

Bill3 · Feb 10, 2021 at 11:22 AM

.

SlumberKitty · Feb 10, 2021 at 04:04 PM

I usually call my parents on my lunch break and today was no exception. During the call I told my Mom that I was wanting to hurt myself (self harm) and she thanked me for telling her. A year ago I wouldn't have but I have gotten much more open since then. My Mom says I can get through this. She says she knows it's hard but I can do it. I don't know. I don't have that optimism. Even the little near miss that I had yesterday is triggering me today. And there is nothing even to it. It's good that I can be more open with my loved ones. But does this ever get better or is it always this hard?

SlumberKitty · Feb 11, 2021 at 06:25 PM

I almost self harmed last night. But before I did anything I needed to check to see if I had any gauze or athletic wrap and I didn't. So that squashed the whole act of self harming because I have to have something to wrap up my wounds with afterwards. I was thinking about going and getting some today after work but I'm not going to. I happened to get an appointment with my therapist (because she scheduled me on the wrong day) for this Saturday instead of next Saturday. So maybe I can hold out until then and not crash and burn.

SlumberKitty · Feb 12, 2021 at 06:09 PM

Anybody ever self harm when you're totally calm, cool, and collected? Please say someone else does this. It's like I whine and complain when I am in the throes of urges. But then. I get out of that stage and come to a place that is very extremely bad calm. And in that calm place I usually do a lot of destruction to myself. I'm in that calm place now. It's not that I want to go back to the urges place because that is horrible too. But you can fight with urges. How do you fight calm? I'm stopping on the way home to get some bandaging materials because I don't have them at home. I KNOW THIS IS BAD! I know it. And yet I am extremely calm about it. Like the eye of the storm maybe. And I feel just as powerless to stop it as when I am in the throes of urges.

VerMOZZica · Feb 13, 2021 at 03:06 AM

Hi Slumberkitty

I haven`t posted much on this forum because I don`t self harm anymore. I used to and I have the scars to prove it. I just wanted to say I admire you for holding on this long. If I can do it you can do it. It`s been years since I last self harmed. I`ve read your posts and I understand the urges. I also used it as a way to comfort myself and I also thought I deserved the pain. I learned as I got older it isn't a solution and it may make you feel relieved for a little while it never lasts and you have to do it again.At least that`s how it went for me. I just want to say I hope you keep holding on . I understand the urges are difficult to deal with but you`ve made it this long. I just wanted to say you are very strong and again I admire you for holding on for so long. I hope I didn`t say anything to offend you . I just wanted to share a little bit of my story with you in hopes that it might help a little.

SlumberKitty · Feb 15, 2021 at 11:55 AM

Thanks @VerMOZZica

It does help to know that there is someone who has made it and doesn't act in this way anymore. I thought I was going to give in the other day but I held my ground and I hung in there. It's encouraging to know someone else's story. I'm debating about continuing to give it up for Lent. I don't feel strong enough but once I make a promise like that I keep it. It might just get me through this bad area that I've been in. Thanks for being encouraging. Kit

SlumberKitty · Feb 15, 2021 at 04:19 PM

I talked to T on Saturday. She asked me if I could give up Self Harm for Lent. I said no. First because I thought it was kind of cheating. I have a year + without self harm. But I talked to my Pastor's wife and a good friend and they made a lot of sense. They said it is still a daily struggle for me and a daily choice to say no, so I think I am going to think really seriously about giving up for Lent self harm. I'm not sure I can do it but I just did a year, surly I can do 40 days. What do you guys think? Kit

Bill3 · Feb 15, 2021 at 07:19 PM

I completely agree that giving up SH for Lent is well worth considering. This plan would not be cheating because, as you said, SH is a daily struggle and choice atm.

SlumberKitty · Feb 17, 2021 at 06:23 PM

I decided to go ahead and give up SH for Lent. Keeping the faith!

whisperingskye · Feb 17, 2021 at 08:40 PM

Good job on giving it up for lent. 40 days is another big step

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Bill3 Legendary Member Since Mar 2009 Location: USA Posts: 10,948 15 24.1k hugs given	Feb 08, 2021 at 12:22 PM #82 What would be the pros and cons of being in the hospital atm?
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Bill3 Legendary Member Since Mar 2009 Location: USA Posts: 10,948 15 24.1k hugs given	Feb 08, 2021 at 03:30 PM #84 What (if anything) did your therapist say to you about the hospital?
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Bill3 Legendary Member Since Mar 2009 Location: USA Posts: 10,948 15 24.1k hugs given	Feb 09, 2021 at 03:32 PM #87 Where does your strength come from?
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SlumberKitty Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Jul 2018 Location: CA Posts: 27,329 (SuperPoster!) 6 117.7k hugs given	Feb 10, 2021 at 10:59 AM #90 Today I put some anointing oil on my wrists and on my forehead. It smells good. Rose of Sharon from Jerusalem. It made me feel good to do that. __________________ Dum Spiro Spero IC XC NIKA
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Bill3 Legendary Member Since Mar 2009 Location: USA Posts: 10,948 15 24.1k hugs given	Feb 10, 2021 at 11:22 AM #91 .
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Bill3 Legendary Member Since Mar 2009 Location: USA Posts: 10,948 15 24.1k hugs given	Feb 15, 2021 at 07:19 PM #98 I completely agree that giving up SH for Lent is well worth considering. This plan would not be cheating because, as you said, SH is a daily struggle and choice atm.
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SlumberKitty Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Jul 2018 Location: CA Posts: 27,329 (SuperPoster!) 6 117.7k hugs given	Feb 17, 2021 at 06:23 PM #99 I decided to go ahead and give up SH for Lent. Keeping the faith! __________________ Dum Spiro Spero IC XC NIKA
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whisperingskye Grand Poohbah Member Since Feb 2017 Location: - Posts: 1,526 7 1,177 hugs given	Feb 17, 2021 at 08:40 PM #100 Good job on giving it up for lent. 40 days is another big step __________________ Tired of feeling lost, tired of letting go. Tear the whole world down, tear the whole world down. Tired of wasting breath, tired of nothing left. Tear the whole world down, tear the whole world down. Failure. Failure - Breaking Benjamin
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