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Legendary
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#161
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Legendary Wise Elder
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#162
I've been in IOP since September 9th so about 2 months. I had a really great T who I attached to in those two months (we mostly met twice a week). But she had to leave to go on medical leave for six weeks. So we had our termination session yesterday. I cried afterward. But I told her I wouldn't self harm for 30 days as a way to honor our work together. I feel proud of that but also kind of scared. I know I can do it because I have done it before. But I just also feel like, why did I say that?!!
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Bill3, downandlonely
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Legendary Wise Elder
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#163
It's almost time for those 30 days to be up that I told IOP T that I wouldn't self harm, and I haven't. I've done really good through some pretty big sized urges, and lots of little ones. I feel proud of how far I have come. I know it can all come crashing down in a minute, but I just hold onto hope that as I am growing and changing I am becoming stronger. I feel really good. I have felt really good for a couple of weeks. Maybe it is the new medication. I don't know. But things are looking up. Hang in there, my friends. We can get through this together.
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Bill3
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Legendary
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#164
Well done SlumberKitty!
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SlumberKitty
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SlumberKitty
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Legendary Wise Elder
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#165
Made the 30 (actually 31) days for my former IOP T. It feels good to have honored that commitment and to honor the work we did together. Next week I should hit 3 months without self harm so that's awesome. I want to get back to having a year plus so I have to work hard with the urges and not mess up. It's a bit of stress but I did it before I can do it again.
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Bill3
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Legendary
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#166
Hang in there SlumberKitty!
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SlumberKitty
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SlumberKitty
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Legendary Wise Elder
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#167
I wanted to self harm today. I was kind of close. Closer than I have been in a while to actually acting on the urges. But I didn't. I looked at some of my scars and asked myself if I wanted more scars. I massaged my arms instead of hurting them. I texted my therapist and even though I am not in crisis, she wants to schedule a session. I'm like, okay. Whatever. I was fine not seeing her but maybe it will be good to talk about things. I am trying to feel my emotions. Not let them get bottled up. Not push them away or aside but just feel the emotions of disappointment and being let down. And maybe my ego is bruised. I don't know. I feel a little teary eyed but not like I can cry or anything like that. Just a bit of moisture in my eyes.
I have aftercare from IOP tonight. I am kind of looking forward to it and kind of not. It's on shame and resilience which is a tough topic and I think I am feeling some shame about myself today. Like I am not good enough. I am not pretty enough. I am not smart enough. I am not worthy. So I am recognizing this. And knowing that those statements lead to feeling shame and I am not wanting to get stuck in shame. Shame leads to self harm. And I am worth not self harming. This is what I am telling myself. It's kind of dumb. But maybe it will help me. __________________ Dum Spiro Spero IC XC NIKA |
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Bill3, downandlonely
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Bill3
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Legendary
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#168
Good job recognizing those statements, and recognizing that you are worth not self-harming.
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Legendary Wise Elder
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#169
Urges are bad today. They are coming in waves. Like I'll be fine. Then I'm not fine. Then I'm fine. Then I'm not fine. I work in an office that is attached to a manufacturing plant. I am trying to stay in my office and not go out to the manufacturing plant because if I did I might find something I could use to hurt myself and I don't trust myself to leave it alone. I feel like a junkie right now. Needing a fix. UGH. You think after three months it would get better. Not worse.
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Bill3, byfnvy, downandlonely
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#170
Hang in there SlumberKitty!
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#171
Struggling to feel............acceptable today.
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Bill3, downandlonely
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Legendary
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#172
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Legendary Wise Elder
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#173
Urges are hitting big time! Wanting to sacrifice my forearm by giving into SH so that the rest of me can be okay. Warped thinking, I know. But it's what I want at this moment. Trying to hold off so more rational thoughts can come into my head. It's not easy though.
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Bill3, downandlonely
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Bill3
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Legendary Wise Elder
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#174
The thoughts and urges are taking over my brain. I feel like I am going to relapse. I don't want to but I feel like I am going to. I don't have time before Aftercare tonight to reach out to my T or text a crisis line. This sucks.
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Bill3, downandlonely
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#175
I'm sorry you are feeling so bad @SlumberKitty. Remember what you said here the last time you felt the urge to SH?
"And I am worth not self harming." You are worth looking after and taking care of. I hope you can ride the waves like you did before and be kind to yourself. Sent from my SM-A526B using Tapatalk __________________ To the world you might be just one person; but to one person you might be the world. |
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Bill3, SlumberKitty
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Legendary Wise Elder
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#176
Quote:
Thanks for the reminder @East17 Anyone else I would tell them they are worth not self harming so why am I considering doing it myself? Argh. Stupid urges. They lie to me and they make me feel like crap and they get stuck in my head. Thanks for being there for me today. __________________ Dum Spiro Spero IC XC NIKA |
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Bill3, downandlonely, East17
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Bill3
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Legendary Wise Elder
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#177
I didn't SH. I contracted with my T from 3:30 PM yesterday to 9 AM today that I wouldn't engage in any SH behaviors. It was hard because I am still getting to know this T and I was putting trust and faith in her....well really in me that my promise to her would stand. It was hard for a bit because I was like, I don't care if I break my promise to her--because I don't really know her yet, but I made myself hold onto the promise and I kept the amount of time intentionally short so that way if I changed my mind after 9 AM and decided to SH I could. I told her on text that I made it through. I might need to contract again this weekend but we'll see. I don't like contracting unless I am at the absolute end of my rope because it takes my options away and I don't like that. But sometimes it is the only thing that can get me through.
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Bill3, downandlonely
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Bill3
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Legendary
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Location: USA
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#178
Great job carrying yourself through, SlumberKitty!
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Jul 2018
Location: CA
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5 117.7k hugs
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#179
Thanks, @Bill3
I still feel like crap though. It's a feeling in my stomach all the way to my throat and my forearms are crying out for relief. The urges are still there. But they are waxing and waning some which should make it more tolerable....at least it's not a constant pounding. Except sometimes the waxing part get spikey and that hurts! So I hope it is a tapering off kind of waxing and waning and not an unpredictable waxing and waning. I have some painting I want to do tomorrow and I forgot to study for my religious class tomorrow so I texted the lady I do the class with and asked her if it was okay if we just have a chat session instead of doing the lesson, since I didn't do it yet. Totally spaced it! She said that was fine. So at least some pressure is off. I did let my parents know, so they are clued into what is going on with me. That will help, I think. At least it is better than me hiding it from them. And maybe they can be a support. HUGS Kit __________________ Dum Spiro Spero IC XC NIKA |
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Bill3, downandlonely
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Bill3
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Legendary
Member Since Mar 2009
Location: USA
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#180
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