[sujunew]

It is the middle of summer, I have just been given some lovely clothes that I never buy for myself, and I can't even wear them... It's not that they are too big or too small, it is the fact that they are sleeveless tops and singlets, and my arm is so severely scarred from all my SIing I cannot wear them. The temperature is somewhere mid 20's-low 30's(oC) and I am HOT! There is no-one to blame but myself but it is SOOO frustrating on days like this...

[Kiya]

=( can you wear them in the house? so you can sort of treat your self? You don't need a reason to treat yourself - kind like the opposite of SI - to remind you that you are still there and that you care about you.

It's the middle of winter for me and looks like snow tomorrow. Good reasons to wear long sleeves (for which I am grateful)... though i do miss being warm.

Can i ask where you are located? Kiya

[sujunew]

thanks kiya. (I'm in NZ btw). No, I can't wear them in the house because I hate my daughters looking at them. I do let them see the scars now, because I felt so guilty hiding myself from them. They don't even bother asking me about the scars now- they must've got sick of the 'nothing much/it doesn't matter' replies lol. I thought i'd try the clothes on tonight, just for the sheer hell of it, then maybe save 1 or 2 "for a rainy day"!!! Hope you warm enuf where you are!

[bchlyn]

that must be really hard for you... do your scars fade with time...maybe next year... i am really fair... and as long as i keep them out of the sun... i am ok... i have a few that don't fade... but, no one asks...last summer i couldn't wear short sleeves...it's great that your daughters know ... lyn

[Christina86]

((((((((((irishsj))))))))))))

[Kiya]

Heh - my poor betta fish are sooo cold, i have their little tanks wrapped up with scaves and sitting under lamps!

you know, i wonder - just for the sake of wondering - what it would be like to have the scars be seen by others and to have the attitude of "Yep. I was in a lot of pain. You're staring does not effect me because I know who I am, what I went through, and what I had to do to get through that time in my life." I wonder if i'll ever reach that point.
When i worked in a women's DV shelter, one of the workers had several deep scars across her shoulder. She always wore sphegetthi strap tang tops and I certainly never asked about them. But her demeanor was one (seemingly to me) as indifference. They didn't outwardly effect her and how she was in the world. Just in that, I found I respected her. She was one tough cookie and I didn't try to get to know her just out of keeping myself to myself. But i found it interesting.
Kiya

[sujunew]

"you know, i wonder - just for the sake of wondering - what it would be like to have the scars be seen by others and to have the attitude of "Yep. I was in a lot of pain. You're staring does not effect me because I know who I am, what I went through, and what I had to do to get through that time in my life." I wonder if i'll ever reach that point."

That is exactly what I was thinking to myself last night as I was trying on my clothes- I have been hiding my scars for...I don't know- well over a decade anyway- and I am no-where near that point of being 'proud' of my 'badges'. I hate even looking in the mirror if I have no top on and seeing them. The ones on my lower arms (all cigarette burns so quite noticeable) are shown all the time, but that is just coz I could not wear long sleeves 24/7. No-one has ever asked about them though...
My scars do not seem to fade, probably coz they are so deep (the cuts AND burns). I know it is all my own fault, I am just really hating this position I have got myself in, hence this whinge and whine session!!

(Kiya, make sure you don't warm your fish too much; I keep getting images of cooked fish in my mind lol!!!)

[Kiya]

I know - but really, to say it is our fault is to undermine the situation - yes? Yes, we are the ones who did the act of self injury, but the reason behind it is ____________. Dealing in a way with pain that couldn't be dealt with another way. Is that our fault? It is a dicey subject, I understand fully.

No worries on the fish - I won't poach them =) I keep checking their little thermometors on the tanks. They're suppose to be 72 instead of the 66 they are currently. =( poor little fishes.

[BalishBun]

have you ever thought of getting a tattoo over the scars? Sometimes you can make a scar look beautiful that way.