TW: SH and passive suicidal thoughts

It's been a week now that I've been actively SHing again and now the passive suicidal thoughts are intruding; like, I think that part of the reason I SH is to punish myself for being alive. I have been using the 988 hotline and have had 2 therapy appointments this week--with another one scheduled for Wednesday--but I'm literally surviving minute by minute at this point. I'm not sure what to do other than keep taking my PRN and texting the hotline. I'm also working on distractions, but they're difficult at times.

I don’t think we are supposed to discuss that topic but if we do might be good idea to change the spelling of the word. But I won’t tell if you won’t tell.
It’s always a good idea, no shame in it at all to contact the crisis line(text or phone), that seems to be where people go, or even the ER of the local hospital/ they are supposed to have a trained psych doctor on staff.
It sucks to feel that way and they will let you know that you are not alone. No one is immune, I read in a book 15 years ago that 90% of the population of the whole world can feel that way at least once. As for me I am about to seek a new therapist, for grief trauma…

(((( @daas619 )))) I would go to the ER to see a psychiatrist, as arich suggests. Since you can't stop SHing, you urgently need professional help.

I agree with you.

I don't even know what to say anymore. I'm still SHing at least every other day despite taking my PRN and trying distractions. I don't know if I'm not trying hard enough or what. I don't care what happens and I'm punishing myself for being alive or not doing things right or something. I guess I'll keep talking to people, posting here, etc. and journaling. Making it through work is becoming harder; I'm glad the weekend is coming, but not sure what I'm going to do other than stay home. I just want to sleep.

So sorry that you're still SHing...

I responded to your other thread, but you didn't answer.

Are you in therapy right now? Consider EFT-tapping, EMDR (or maybe hypnosis even), in addition to talk therapy.

As I said in the other thread you need professional intervention, please seek help.

Yes, I'm in therapy. Sorry that I didn't respond. Today is okayish so far. I'll check out the things you suggest. Thanks.

Are you able to go somewhere quiet and listen to some calming music and agree not to move or do anything harmful for 5 minutes? Set a timer.
Then try another 5 minutes. Small steps..

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Good idea. I'll try something like that. Thanks for responding.

My therapist is aware that I am SHing and is working with me to figure out why and what to do about it. I am currently trying to figure out what to do between appointments. I appreciate all of your advice and suggestions. Please keep them coming. Thanks.

Hi daas,

I see your 2 threads have been combined now... it's really good you've come back to respond... I was wondering how you were doing...

It's good to hear you have a therapist.

I wonder, though, if this behaviour has become a habit? How can you stop or bypass behaviour and replace it with a new positive habit?

How long have you been SHing?

Is it a matter of thinking deeply to find the genesis of the impulse towards SH, or is it a question of bypassing it?

I don't know what type of therapist you have, but is she a trained psychologist by any chance?

Do you have a pdoc and, if so, what meds are you taking? How often do you see the pdoc? (psychiatrist)

This time, it's been about a week and a half, at least every other day that I've been SHing. It's been years though off and on. I think I need to figure out why I'm doing it but for the meantime bypassing it might be enough. Giving my hands something else to do, for instance. I believe my therapist is a LISW or something like that. He works out of an office of other therapists. I do see a pdoc through the same office, he's a doctorate-prepared ARNP. I take pristiq, rexulti, buspar, hydroxyzine, lorazepam prn, and topiramate. I see him every 6 months when I'm doing well, but I have an appointment scheduled in 3 months.

I see you're taking a lot of meds for anxiety and MDD. Is the topiramate for epilepsy or migraines, or something else?

What is you diagnosis?

I have severe major depression with psychotic features and I take 3 antidepressants (Prozac, Wellbutrin, Remeron), plus the antipsychotic Abilify and also Ativan/lorazepam PRN. The Remeron takes away the SI, and I find it works very quickly, too, when I take it... it's like the SI evaporates.

Have you heard of gabapentin? Have you ever disucessed it with your ARNP? I've been curious about that drug for anxiety.

I would see whether you can get the appointment that is scheduled 3 months from now with your ARNP moved up soon... as you're not doing well.

As for the LISW, what therapeutic approaches are you using? Psychotherapy, CBT, DBT, ACT or something else?

The hydroxyzine you're taking is known as Atarax, no? That's an antihistamine that can be used for anxiety sometimes, no? How long have you been taking it and what are you taking it for?

So getting to the nitty-gritty, you say you need to figure out why you're SHing... and I read that you started in your 30s, did anything happen in your 30s that could be considered a triggering event? If you were to brainstorm for someone else (why they could be doing it) what reasons would you give?