Self Injury

Ive thought so many times, why is it that i cant go on with my life? Maybe i deserve this for something that i did in the passed. Maybe its the way that its suppost 2 be. I remember spending days and nites just thinking "what did i do 2 deserve this?" I dont know yet, and ive been thinking about it for so long. I had a mental break down and just went upstairs 2 release everything, but its not really releasing everything, cause when scar tissue builds up it doenst let everything come out... I dont know im just ranting. I dont want anyone 2 get hurt, i dont want anyone 2 feel the pain that i do. I dont know what the hell is wrong with me......

You deserve better. I deserve better. I don't understand why we self injure. I asked my T why and he gave me the line about how it is a learned response the provides comfort. Yada Yada. I already know this because I feel the pressure release when I hurt myself but WHY do I hurt myself. "What is wrong with me?" I have been in therapy for damn near 3 years, learned tons of new coping skills, am mentally stable 95% of the time, I AM ACTUALLY HAPPY MOST OF THE TIME so why is it I still hurt myself? It is beyond me. I am convinced that there is some way to beat this, there is some way to NOT seek physical pain to release emotional pain. I am absolutely positive we can learn how to move past it all.

Don't know if this all helps, it is my form of a hug. Take care.
Carrie

<font color=green>Should you shield the canyons from the windstorms, you would never see the beauty of their carvings.--Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

i too hurt myself, not like you guys, but i do, and i think its just that we dont know any other way. everything in life is pretty much a new language to us and weve just learned the self- injury life. Its not just that it relieves us, its just a part of us, were use to it, so we make it a new language or a way of life, and we just haev to say no and stop; its not even that we want to hurt ourselves, it just is. *this is just what I believe*

Through each others weaknesses we find comfort.

My T insists that it is also a way to express myself. I can't say the feelings inside so I show it on the outside gaining a measure of relief that way. Unfortunately I sabotage my expression by not letting anyone know that I do hurt myself. My husband had no idea I hurt myself for the first 15 years of our marriage. It took a major break down on my part and shoving the wounded hand in his face for him to see my pain. I hide from my T as well. These last couple of days has shown me how I have been operating in child mode with him. I want so much to be good for him, to make him proud, that I hide what I do, only showing enough to make sure he knows I still need to see him. Not a very productive way to conduct a theraputic relationship.
Carrie

<font color=green>Should you shield the canyons from the windstorms, you would never see the beauty of their carvings.--Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

aww, youll make it, sometimes we just hide ourselves b/c were too scared to do anything else, we want so much for people to be happy for us. Im sorry about the breakdown, although I wish it would happen to me so that I could stop hiding everything. Anyways, things WILL turn out okay.

Through each others weaknesses we find comfort.

Hey thankyou for all the replies.Its nice to know that there are others going through this and its not just me.Its really weird cause I even find myself wanting to hurt myself when Ive had a brilliant day.I just keep thinking to myself "You dont deserve a good day must punish yourself" Crazy or what.I have been self harming for 9 years now,all my therapists said Id grow out of it boy were they so wrong.....I seem to have grown more into it and its the only lifestyle ive ever known.....I would not say Im happy far from it but I feel I have to do this to myself to keep me feeling normal if there is such a word......Im currently not having any help at all I was refered back to my local mental health team but they have told me that they cant help me so It looks like Im gonna have to deal with this alone....Im sorry if ive babbled on its just sometimes I have to talk otherwise I feel like my head will explode....Thankyou for reading this........

I'm sorry everyone has shoved you away, i can tell you right now that we here will not though. I understand what you are saying about moods not keeping you from harming yourself and what you mean when you say its your lifestyle. But I still believe that we can get through with this even if we do end up hurting ourselves 'til our time on earth is up! (((cryingchild)))

valbends

Through each others weaknesses we find comfort.

We can grow out of it? Wow, someday when I am an adult maybe I will be better. I have been dealing with SI for 24 years now. I am hitting middle age and still haven't grown out of it. On the other hand I never tried to do anything about it until just a few years ago. Never admitted I had done it at all. Which means that I have only been working on this problem for 3 years...ok only facing it seriously for...uh...7 days. But hell, what can I say I had other things to worry about at the time. I am just getting far enough past that crud that I can move into this crud. Life is a process not a destination.
Carrie

<font color=green>Should you shield the canyons from the windstorms, you would never see the beauty of their carvings.--Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

Life is a process not a destination.
very true!

Through each others weaknesses we find comfort.

One of the websites I looked at gave statistics that said that most people who SI are in their teens and twenties. So what happens with most people who SI when they get out of their twenties? Do they resolve their problems or not live that long or what? I just figured that I must not be typical. I started when I was 5 and now I'm 33 and still do it, but usually only every 1-3 years or so. I do more damage each time though. The last time was in February and I had been really depressed all winter and I used SI to break free of the depression. I started feeling better after that. Not completely, and I think it will always come back, but that was what worked. Just today I told my therapist that I used it as a tool and it worked and he agreed. Of course he had to add something about it not being the best way. I wish I could remember exactly what it was that he said... Anyway, what I am realizing right now is that I use it as a tool. I do it more than I think too (without being aware of it even) if you count stuff that doesn't actually leave a mark for very long - like if I am trying to concentrate on something but part of me would rather drift away and dissociate, I start jabbing myself with my fingernails without knowing it just to stay focused. I caught myself doing that during therapy but didn't say anything.

There are some very good websites out there with good information and explanations of why we SI. If you haven't found them, write to me and I'll share my links with you. It wasn't until recently that I even knew about other people who did it, and knowing that you're not alone and that there are people who can understand really can help.

I started when I was 12 and now I am 36. I do it at least once a month, sometimes it escalates to daily. I would love to think that one day I just wouldn't do it anymore. Guess I missed the memo on how people stop doing it in their 20s.

I sound a little bitter.
Carrie

<font color=green>Should you shield the canyons from the windstorms, you would never see the beauty of their carvings.--Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

Carrie,
That was just a statistic I saw describing typical self injurers, although it also said that there aren't truly typical self injurers as there are always those that don't quite fit the pattern. I'm sorry that you feel bitter about it. I understand that, and maybe it means that you want to (and maybe are getting ready to) stop?
I have to admit that I am unrepentant about it at this point (although afterwards I am embarassed and feel bad for my husband because it bothers him so much), and I would do it again if I needed to. It bothers me that the scars from last time (February) have faded more than I wanted them to, so I will likely be looking for a reason to do it again.

I am not bitter about the statistics or anything you said. I just thought I sounded bitter. I am actually glad that for the average person this is not a life long thing. I am just frustrated at myself. I know there are better ways to cope with life but I am not at all sure that I care to find them. The only reason I want to stop doing these things is because of the way they are percieved by the people who are close to me...though I would seriously like life to be wonderful enough that the need for such drastic coping was unnecessary. I am not even sure if life was perfect I would stop. That is something that is hard to admit. Life doesn't suck booty right now so why am I still hurting myself? That actually kinda scares me because it probably indicates some deeper psychological problem that my T and I have not uncovered as of yet. No doubt he already knows what it is and is waiting for the appropriate time to bring it up in session. Ok, I thought that last line in a very bitter tone. I am a wee bit pissed at him. He hurt my feelings. *Carrie sticks out her lower lip in a big pout* He didn't call me when I asked him too and had his secretary call me instead. Sigh. Guess I am just a pain in the *** or something. I try to be good, really I do. If only he knew how many letters I don't send and how many times I listen to his voice mail message then hang up. Ah well. I am whining now. Totally off topic...or maybe not.
Carrie

<font color=green>Should you shield the canyons from the windstorms, you would never see the beauty of their carvings.--Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

I understand. I think I sound bitter when I write about certain things too, and when I notice that I sound bitter I tend to assume that I must feel bitter.

Does your T let you write to him too? That is the thing that is finally working for me. I would go to therapy and just sit there not being able to say anything. This stuff is just too hard to talk about. But I can write about it. My T gave me his email address when I asked if I could write to him, and now I can finally tell him what I need to. I'm getting better at talking about it face to face too. But I don't ever call him. I do worse on the phone than in person, but besides that, I live in a rural area and he only comes out here every other week. The rest of the time I don't usually know where he is.

Having the secretary call me (more than once, and not following up) was why I quit therapy for about a year and a half. I went back after February because he was the first one I found who was doing me some good, and I really do like him, but I know about having your feelings hurt too.

There are some reasons why you might still SI when otherwise things are going okay. One possibility is that you want the endorphins that are released. There is a medication for that - it blocks the effect of the endorphins. (Naltrexone - Revia is a brand name). Another possibility is that it has just become a habit. In certain circumstances or even at a point in your routine it is just what you do. It has worked for you, so you just do it again.

Hey, I just might stop using this username and get start a new one. I like opening up here and talking about stuff, but I have started to be afraid that someone might recognize me if I am using my real name. I took my picture and my website URL off of my profile for that reason too. I want people from here to be able to find my website, but if they click on it from here the referral from this site shows up and I'm scared that either my DH or T might follow the link back to here (they both look at my website) and see what I am posting, and that makes me nervous. Not that I think they would go so far as to join this site or go snooping around looking for me here, but the thought that they could is making me uncomfortable. So if I switch that's why and you're welcome to visit my url (it's ddiamond.net). I just wanted you to know why.

I just started using my real name at the end of my posts. It took me a long time to be able to do that. Thanks Deepthinker, you helped me in that. I see what you mean about it becoming part of the routine. I don't think it is routine. It happens at random times. But I do think the endorphines thing could be spot on. It feel good. Just like running feels good after I get going. Unfortunately I can't run everytime I feel like I need to feel good...I would be in great shape if I could. SI is quick, it is easy, it works...and it makes me feel like [censored] afterwards. Guilty as all hell. That in itself is a comfortable feeling. I have always felt that there was something that I must be guilty about, must hide from someone. Now I am telling people about me, about what is up, I am not hiding everything. I am being honest. That is totally out of my element. So it makes sense that I would continue doing what I am doing because it places me in the same old position and as awful as it is it is still a comfort zone. Thanks for helping to turn this cog.
Carrie

<font color=blue>The important thing is this: to be able at any momeent to sacrifice what we are for what we could become.--Charles Du Bos

wow this thread has made me think a *lot*
i've been si'ing in some way since i was 6ish (wow i thought it was 14, but when i actually thought about the broader spectrum, and not just cutting, its 6yo! eek.. am now 25, and yes its a big part of my life.
i understand about the expression.. the scars.. and the confusion when the urge is there for no aparent reason.
just wanted to say i relate in so many ways.
i also cant use my full name in posts.. >damn paranoia<

~M

Well, I am writing this without reading everyone else's posts. I used to be in the same boat and in a way, I still am, I spent countless nights trying to figure out what I did wrong, and I was a cutter myself... One day I guess I just stopped, it is hard to get aware from like people and tobacco, or alcohol.... I feel where you are coming from and when I thought there was nothing else to do, but die, someone pointed out to me that it is my job to live this life no matter how bad it sucks... You are important to someone even though you refuse to notice... It is hard... It really is... I would say at this point, that I am not going to tell you to stop hurting yourself, because it is addicting... But, think about it before you do it, think about it, and each time you do do it, do it a little less than before.... Pretty soon, you will find your way out.... You have to spend your time in this world for the sake of others... You are also important, but I don't think i would feel very good taking my own life knowing what it is going to do to the people around me....

Be safe. I am here if you need me.
-Brandon

I've wondered myself if there is some point that SI'ing just disappears or fades away, whatever. I find it discouraging that so many people think this is a Young Person's Thing. I'm 38, only started in my early twenties. Think i missed that magical point where it just disappears??? I know one thing: i don't want to still be doing this twenty years from now.

I don't think it will go away until we find some other way to cope and address the real problems. It seems to be almost an epidemic among teens, and I think that some of them might just experiment with it the way that some experiment with drugs and alcohol, or any other way that they can remove themselves from their normal teenage challenges or make a statement of independence or a plea for help. Maybe that kind of experimentation is pretty much normal. Some of those young people will find their way, get the help they need, learn how to deal with their problems directly, and no longer need such coping strategies.

But some don't get whatever it is that they needed, and continue in self-destructive patterns well into adulthood. I'm not sure it matters what the method is. Some kids experiment with drugs and get addicted and struggle with addiction for many years, while others experiment and decide they don't need that. Maybe it is the same with self injury.

I was also surprised to learn that it is fairly normal for college-aged young women to develop eating disorders, and that the majority of them move on and leave that behind and are fine. But some don't.

Just an idea that came to me. What do you think?

And for those of us who didn't grow out of it, how do we learn those coping skills that we missed? Therapy seems essential. What, exactly, are those skills?

Rap

i'm not sure how to explain this but i'll try. Don't know if it will make any sense...
i think one of the problems in finding accurate statistics is that there are so many people who are afraid to reach out or open up to someone. There are too many voiceless, unaccounted-for groups (or individuals) either because so many of us are afraid to speak up honestly or because we're in a grey area and the polls we're responding to & the articles we're reading are black & white.
Ok - sorry - losing where i was going with this. if i made any sense let me know.