[Typo]

I feel so lost, my head spins...where is up and where is down...I want to cry, but honestly I don't know how, it's been so long.
I don't want to do anything, just hide, just withdraw from the world. I am useless

I need this, I need this, I can't go on without it...
Knife to skin just to feel whole again, my dirty little secret...

I am so exhausted, I haven't been sleeping, can't to many bad dreams, to many memories, to many obbessive thoughts....
All the bad things are coming out, everything I"ve worked so hard to shove under the rug.
I just keep thinking, playing words in my head people have said to me, over and over again
"You dirty little *****" "Filthy pig" "Lazy"
"Your so selfish" "Your Pathatic" "Your worthless"

Stupid Stupid Stupid me, Not supposed to say these things...not supposed to.
I'm just a doormat, just a chesspiece, just a wittness to the world, useless...

The pain is my comfort, I'm so damn ugly, so damn horrible on the inside, why not make the outside match,
One scar closer to the truth....One scar closer to matching...

I hate me, I hate me so much, I hurt so much...so much...I'm trash meant to be kicked to the curb, throw me away, burn me, bury me in a landfill...I'm useless taking up space...worthless pathatic, lazy, selfish, liar, cruel, tratior, so many hurtful words...so many.

I'm so lost, no direction to guide me, no light to follow, no map to show me, pure chaos, thats my life, no stability, no ground on my ****ed up mind to stand on.

[purplebutterfly]

(((((((((((Silversparrow)))))))))
Im here if you need to talk.

[bipolar_bear]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Silversparrow))))))))))))))))))))))))) I am sorry that you are having such a hard time right now. Sometimes when difficult things come up so do all the feelings and memories that come with them. I hope you can see that what you were told were not who you are. You are not lazy, selfish, worthless etc. Please don't let these memories let you think otherwise. Do you have someone to help you work through all these feelings? I know it really helps to have someone help.

BB

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by Silversparrow

All the bad things are coming out, everything I"ve worked so hard to shove under the rug.

I guess this refers to your therapy session that you just had? I am sorry that too much came out that you weren't quite ready for.

Originally Posted by Silversparrow

I just keep thinking, playing words in my head people have said to me, over and over again
"You dirty little *****" "Filthy pig" "Lazy"
"Your so selfish" "Your Pathatic" "Your worthless"

Who said these things to you?

Originally Posted by Silversparrow

I'm just a doormat, just a chesspiece, just a wittness to the world, useless...

That you couldn't say no to the therapist to keep digging and talking?

Originally Posted by Silversparrow

I'm so damn ugly, so damn horrible on the inside

You are not!

Please stop punishing yourself Silver. You do not deserve it!

[Typo]

Sannah yeah the thearpy thing is bugging me, I guess it's also the fact that it kinda represents every time I've never said no, or stood up for myself.
As for all those things, lots of people have said them to me, my mom, my dad, my little sister, an aunt, and a friends dad I called the cops on because he was hurting his ex wife and my friend.

I just hurt so much right now, I don't know what to do to fix it, just so tired, no time to rest or catch up, keep fading out. Don't want to go to class..I just feel like throwing myself on the floor and crying...want to run and hide....

(((((((((((((((((((((((( silversparrow )))))))))))))))))))))))

I have been where you are. It makes me sad to see you going through this, and hurting so much.

I can tell you this....it WILL change. I know how horrible you feel right now, but you won't feel like this forever, I promise. Part of healing is moving through this stuff. It's dark and scary and hard and painful....and sometimes it's part of the process.

My heart aches for you. Would you consider calling your therapist and letting her know what a hard time you are having? She does not want you to suffer like this, and maybe she can offer you some grounding or containment ideas to help you get through to your next session.

(((((((((((((((((((( silversparrow )))))))))))))))))))) Holding you in my thoughts and wishing you peace!

[multipixie9]

((((((silversparrow)))))

Your name is more who you are. The bad people who hurt you taught you their lies. I know what Earthmama said was good, please read it again. Any thing you find that makes you feel better or feel hope, please cling to it.

Dear, my abusers taught me to take up where they stopped off. I learned to say bad things to myself and to verbally beat myself and tear myself down and rip pieces from my wounded soul. It was wrong. I did wrong to myself in imitation of them.

I'm learning to be kinder to me, let me practice with you. You have been kind to my alts on DID threads and other threads. You are gentle and sweet and you care about small and needy creatures. You are one of the good people.

When you learn to give the anger and shame back to the bad people YOU WILL FEEL BETTER. I can promise it will happen. It has been happening for me too. It will continue to happen.

It takes work to get well. You have helpers. You are cared for here. I care about you; I just do. Please stop saying mean things to yourself. I will agree to stop calling myself names too (I will work with my alts who still name-call)

Love is stronger than abuse and you are finding love. Keep coming here!

Leslie and Her Pixies

[Typo]

(((((((((Purple)))))))) ((((((Bipolar Bear)))))) ((((((Sannah)))))))) ((((((((Earthmama))))) (((((((Multipixie)))))

Thank you all for your kind words, they really touched me, I am okay today, finally got some sleep last night, Trying to use the grounding techniques just having a hard time, all the bad memories keep playing in my mind, I have a really hard time with obbessive thoughts, trying to focus on the good not the bad, but it is so hard to leave the past behind.

[Sannah]

Silver, please call your therapist. Many people with these issues don't want to "inconvenience" anyone and ask for anything (I used to be the same way). When is your next appt?

[Typo]

Monday is our next appointment, I don't think I can call, to scared, just can't do it, sorry.

[Sannah]

Scared of.....?

[Typo]

Talking, just can't it would distress me more I think,

[Sannah]

I don't mean for you to dig more but to talk with your T about how the last session was too much.

[Typo]

I think I can wait, I don't even want to talk about last session, too many mixed feelings, about parents and feeling ashamed of my scars. I think will journal about it, that is how i communicate in thearpy, I journal and we discuss the journaling, because I can't talk, just can't.

[Sannah]

Sounds like a good plan!

[bipolar_bear]

I think jounalling is a wonderful way to communicate things that we find hard to initiate. I am glad you found a way to bring up what is causing you pain.

BB