Scared

I kind of freaked myself out the other day. I haven't cut or burned in just about a year. I haven't even had any major urges or anything. Then all of the sudden I get this huge urge....and I acted on it. I feel so stupid because I thought I was free from this. I told my T about it and he asked if I acted on the urge....I told him I didn't. Back when I used to cut and burn almost every other day I would lie and lie and lie about it, even to my therapist. I'm terrified of the mental hospitals, I've been there three times so far. But if this turns into a problem again, how do I get help when everyone just tries to throw me in a hospital. I'm really scared.

Hope you get better.

I haven't cut in about half a year, so you have done better than me. lol. But, I know trying not to cut is hard especially when you get sudden urges. Lately I have started feeling like I want to cut again, but I haven't yet. I too lied to the therapist my parents made me go to. the first time I cutted they emailed the therapist and he said don't worry about it and if I did it again then to bring me in. That made me feel so unimportant. I hate the therapist, but hearing that made me feel like I wasn't good enough. But I lied whenever I was there just so my parents would stop bringing me. I want to cut but my parents almost threaten me. like somehow they can tell when I do, even when it isn't noticeable. As if they look for any cuts while I sleep.

I have never been to a mental hospital, but how I feel, I probably belong there, but will do anything to prevent it.

And I know how hard it is to resist cutting, and I don't want to be a hypocrite, because I want to cut so badly lately. Just try hard to not do it. Just find things to do instead. Like I listen to music which helps somewhat. Holds it off at least for a while longer.

Dancer, what was going on that made you want to SI?

Zloppy, I hope you find a way to stop the urges...if you do please let me know!! Congrats on the half year. I dont think you're a hypocrit, you're just trying to help another with something you're familiar to.
Sannah, I am still trying to figure out what triggered me. My depression has been getting worse, but when I used to cut all the time I could identify my triggers. This time was different than the others, its almost like it was spontanious. I am going to talk with my T next week, I trust him but its the fear of those hospitals that keeps me from talking the truth with him. I'm still scared, but Im going to try to overcome my fears, at least for that one hour in our session.
Wish me luck!

I was afraid if I told the truth to the therapist guy, he would tell my parents. I am paranoid like that.

I think it is easier to identify stuff when you cut more often because you can see the reason immediately, unlike what it may be now, where it seems like everything together and you can't identify it as easy.

Dancer, do you know what is making your depression worse?

It will be very helpful to be honest with your therapist......